Shy Bladder HQ

Day Twelve in my Gradual Exposure Therapy with my Pee Buddy Mike is pretty much the same as Day 11.

Throughout the day, I pee at the toilet with Mike standing directly behind me, facing my back. And when I say directly, I mean it. There’s probably less than a foot that separates us.

It’s a small bathroom, so it’s perfect for that claustrophobic feeling.

I peed about ten times today (with Mike), and every time was a success!

Sweet!

Sometimes I begin peeing in just 30 seconds, other times it drags on to 2 or 3 minutes before a stream begins.

One time I peed, then Mike peed, and then I had to pee again. I credit that to holding it too long, trying to build up more of an urge.

I still find it hard to pee around Mike, I really dislike it, but I know it’s the only way to recover from Paruresis.

I must face my Fears!

Mike does a good job keeping me on my toes. I don’t know what to expect from him. One time he’s half asleep and yawning. Another time he’s playing with the lights, the sink, thumping his shoes against the counter…

I find when it’s noisy or we’re chatting it’s easier to go.

But when it’s dead silence, it’s a killer!

I really have to concentrate then and it always takes me much longer to pee.

But I do Pee!

That’s the important thing!

Me and Mike talk about how long I’ll need to desensitize. How long will it be before I feel comfortable peeing around Mike and other people?

Is it like a habit? 21 days?

Or will it take a lifetime to master?

How long do I keep inconveniencing Mike into being my Pee Buddy? How long will he put up with it?

And what will happen to me when I stop?

All good questions!

For now, I’m not thinking much about it, I’m just pushing forward as long as I can.

Tomorrow I think I’m going to switch things up. Try some harder things. Like having him face me while I pee, or at least face my profile where I’m more exposed.

Maybe I’ll even have him stand beside me and pee at the same time like we’re at a urinal.

I think those will be a challenge since just thinking about them scares me.

I wonder if I’ll be able to urinate?

Who knows?

But until I make things harder, I’ll never be able to move beyond this point I’m at.

So tomorrow will be more difficult…

Will I be ready for the challenge?

We’ll see…

We’ll see…

Okay, now that my Vacation to Kauai is officially over, it’s time to continue my Gradual Exposure Therapy (GET).

It was not really possible to practice in Hawaii, with all my other friends around (who did not know about my Shy Bladder), but now that I’m back in the comfort and safety of my home, I’m continuing where I left off.

Day 11

I will have to say that I was worried about losing progress, after all, ten days off is a lot of time to let slip by.

So first thing in the morning, I grab my coffee and walk into the office (at home) and tell Mike (my Pee Buddy) that I need to pee.

Mike looks at me and groans a little. I think he forgot or was wishing that I wasn’t going to continue that again… ha!

No such luck!

He follows me into the small bathroom by the kitchen and sits on the sink directly behind me (literally like a foot away).

Will I be able to pee or will I have to retrace my steps and have Mike wait outside the door?

After about 1 1/2 minutes I get my answer:

I PEED!

Yahooo! I’m a little surprised at this. I really did think that I’d backtrack a little. It just seems logical. I figured it would take a couple of days to get back to where I was. NOPE!

I succeed right out the gate and lost no ground what-so-ever.

I’m a Happy Man!

Granted, I would have been happier to have peed on the plane, the airport, or in some of the locked bathrooms on the island, but you’ve got to take these recovery steps slowly. You can’t rush it!

2 Hours later, I need to pee again.

Mike resumes his squat on the sink and stares at my back. It took about a minute to begin, and then another minute to finish.

So far so good!

Lunch time rolls around. I pee again with no problems. In fact, throughout the rest of the day I pee about 9 more times (I drink lots of water), and I pee every single time.

Sometimes I pee quickly, other times it takes a minute or two to begin, but I do pee and I do finish!

What more can I ask for?

Every pee today was a success!

I still feel apprehensive at peeing in front of Mike. I’d rather not do it. It makes it harder to pee. I’d rather yank my teeth out… But that’s the goal right?

Difficulty?

If it’s not difficult I won’t progress!

I really would love to just close the door and pee by myself. But then, that would just lock me back into my Paruresis handcuffs.

I have to keep doing this, like it or not, until it becomes second nature to me. I need to learn how to pee without thinking about it.

They say it takes 3-4 weeks to form a new habit…

Will this be the same?

Let’s hope so!

I believe I’m on the right path!

I find my Paruresis is hit or miss.

Sometimes I can pee in a public bathroom, other times no.

I can’t really explain it either.

Like earlier today… We stop off at an ABC store to get coffee in the morning. It’s 8am and we’ve just witnessed a spectacular sunrise on the beach, and found some very cool sea glass (we’re in Hawaii, the island of Kauai).

The ABC store has a single user bathroom with a lock on the door (my favorite type). I know this because just yesterday I used it with no problems.

After shopping and snapping photos all morning, we are driving back and I stop to use this bathroom again. I pee with no anxiety and I feel good.

Later we eat at Bubba Burger’s for lunch… Awesome greasy burgers with cheese and onions! YUM! Plus, Onion Rings and Fries! Good stuff, a must eat!

Bubba Burger’s also has a single user bathroom with a lock on the door. You’d think that I’d be able to go…

I can’t!

There are 3 reasons why I can’t go (that I can tell):

• The bathroom is 2 feet away from the line people stand in to order food (and there was 6 or 7 people in line)
• The bathroom smelled strongly of urine
• Right as I was shutting the door to pee, someone came walking up to the door and is now waiting directly outside for me to finish

My Paruresis kicks in and I lock up!

If I wouldn’t have known someone was right outside the door waiting, I probably could have gone. But that one glance as I shut the door did it. I now have to hold it for another 7 hours until I get back to the condo.

I hate that feeling!

It really is all over the board whether I’ll pee or not. A single user bathroom is NOT fail proof! It depends on so much more: The sights, the sounds, the smells…

Plus whatever I’m feeling, nervous, anxious, upset… They all dictate my behaviors.

What will trigger it?

I really don’t know what triggers it until it happens.

The other day I peed at a urinal for the first time in my life, and today, I can’t pee in a locked bathroom by myself.

Go figure!

Like I said, if I could explain it, I would.

I don’t really drink a lot of alcohol.

I may have a glass of white wine here and there, but that’s about it. Sometimes I’ll have a Mike’s Hard Lemonade (Cranberry), but I’m really a light-weight when it comes to booze. Half the time I just drink Soda, Water or Tea.

I’m sure a lot of this has to do with my Paruresis and not wanting to drink much. But I often tell people it’s because I like to stay in control, which is true, but mostly it’s because I don’t want to have to pee every ten minutes or so.

That would be hell!

As I get older, I think to myself “Is this the best approach for my condition?“

Really, think about it. Drinking often drops your inhibitions and loosens you up. It makes you feel comfortable and lets your guard down. Would this actually help me?

It sounds kind of likely.

I mean, I’ve been around drunks before. Drunks Can Pee! They can pee anywhere and everywhere at any time with no problems in the world.

Like that dude from Twilight (Bronson Pelletier) who got so drunk he peed in an airport surrounded by tons of people…

Or, like my good friend Kay this evening…

She only drank 1/2 bottle of wine, on top of who knows how many beers. And when we get back to the condo, she had to pee really bad.

She runs in the closest bathroom and she’s too drunk to even close the door. She just runs in, drops her pants and pees.

Mike even says “Well don’t close the door or anything!” Everyone else laughs.

Kay laughs back and says that it’s not like he wanted to come in and see anyway.

“That’s for sure!” he replies.

It’s rather quite funny, but it makes me think that drunks really don’t care about peeing, who sees them, or where they are.

And I’ve had some friends in the past that could really drink anyone under the table. Me, I’m always deemed the designated driver.

I’ve seen people pee on the side of the road, on the beach, in flower bushes, in their pants…

When the urge comes, they just pee!

Now I’m not saying I’m going to run out and become a drunk, but it does make me wonder if drinking would loosen up my fears and social problems. ???

Would I be able to pee in public?

Would I even know I was still pee shy?

You see, I’ve never been drunk in my life. I don’t know what it feels like. I don’t know and frankly, I’ve never really wanted to find out. I’ve always hated alcohol because my Dad was a mean drunk…

But would it help me?

Would I be able to pee?

It would be interesting to test… Unless I peed on the floor at the airport. Then it’s jail lol. That wouldn’t be so cool.

Ground breaking maybe, but getting arrested is not high on my priority list. Especially being a Paruretic!

I guess I should just stick with Desensitization Tactics and not pick up any more bad habits.

So does a person with Shy Bladder who registers over the legal limit pee easier?

I probably will never know

But if you do, if you know the answer… Speak up!

It may be worth some honest discussion! :)

lol

Being on vacation with someone who knows you’re Pee Shy is interesting.

Because Mike (my Pee Buddy) knows what I do and why.

He knows why I don’t order another round of drinks.

He knows why I don’t have to go to the bathroom when everyone else does.

He knows why I have to pee right before I head out the door.

He knows

It’s all communicated with a look of the eyes. He gets it.

And he still tries to warn me about “SAFE” bathrooms that I can use, even while on vacation.

“You Can Pee in there!” or “You’d Never be able to use that Bathroom!“

He tells me after he goes into a public bathroom. And once he even said it where the people in line in front of us could hear it. AWKWARD! lol

One time he told me “It’s too primitive in there. There are no dividers on the urinals and they are very close together. And the doors on the stall only come up this high” he drags his finger across his chest.

NOT COOL!

Especially since I needed to pee after 1 1/2 hour drive. It’s not going to happen there.

Yesterday, we’re at a shopping center and the bathrooms are on the top floor. You have to walk up 2 flights of steps to get there (or wait for the elevator).

Both me and Mike go in at the same time. There’s one urinal and one stall. How odd!

So he takes the urinal, and I take the stall. With just us in the bathroom, and only 2 places to pee, I felt safe. I was able to pee pretty quickly. Not to mention the fact that we chatted the entire time. It felt pretty good.

That was a bathroom I could use!

Today, we found another one, it’s at a general store and he goes in the john. I didn’t have a strong urge to go yet, so I didn’t even think about it. But Mike comes out and tells me “That’s a bathroom you can use, because it’s a single user bathroom with a lock on the door“.

So, strong urge or not, I decided to go anyway. I don’t want to pass up on an opportunity to pee easily if I could help it.

I peed with no problems!

On the drive back to the condo, we stopped off for burgers and drinks. After that, I had to pee and by the time we got back and parked, I really had to pee bad.

I get in the condo, our friends were not back yet, and I go in the bathroom and shut the door (I had told Mike days ago that I wouldn’t be doing any desensitization during our vacation).

So I start peeing, and then I hear Mike knocking on the door.

“What?”

“Do you want me to watch?“

LMAO I really did laugh out loud. “NO!!!!” I say. I keep peeing.

I know he means to help me out, but it actually came across weird. I laugh. He laughs. That’s the end of that! ha!

I’m not going to put him in that position while we’re in Hawaii. That’s the last thing I want is for our other friends to walk in with both of us in the bathroom at the same time. Yeah! Explain that! haha!

Not going to happen!

They wouldn’t believe me if I told them, which I don’t have any desire to do, so I won’t!

I don’t want them to know I’m pee shy, plus I don’t want to embarrass Mike either. “YOU WATCH HIM PEE?” I can hear it now. NOPE! I just don’t feel comfortable with everyone knowing. I have a hard enough time accepting it myself.

So for now, it’s just Mike who knows about my condition. I trust Mike and know he’ll really try to help me out. He’s cool like that.

But walking in on someone already using the john is awkward. Just a little uncomfortable, right?

If it’s set up that way, properly positioned, and controlled, it’s fine.

But barging in while I’m in the middle of peeing… Sheesh, you’d think I was at a public restroom! ;)

Wouldn’t you say?

Me and Mike head off to the beach today.

It’s day 3 of our vacation and it’s been 83-88 everyday. Sad I know! ;)

I love it here and wouldn’t change a thing, except for the 45 minute drive.

You see, our condo is on one side of the island, and most of the attractions are on the other side (a 45 minute drive away).

This morning, I drink 2 cups of coffee and a Pineapple Juice, and it’s all wonderful. But I wonder why I drank so much… What am I thinking?

We head out on the road and of course, 1/2 way through, I have to pee.

NOT COOL!

We decide to stop at Costco once we get to the other side so he can get gas.

“I want an Iced Coffee” Mike says “You want anything?”

“I need to use the bathroom!” I say.

He looks at me (he’s my Pee Buddy) and says “So do I“.

So in Costco we go…

Mike follows me into the bathroom. He wasn’t really doing it for my benefit, he had to go as well. He knows and understands my condition and also knows that public bathrooms are the biggest fear of mine.

It’s so rare for me to even step foot in a public restroom. It seems weird and surreal to me.

We enter.

There are 3 urinals, and 3 stalls…

The urinals are empty. He heads off to the first urinal and I hesitate. I want to use a stall but I see that one person is occupying the center stall.

That is horrible!

Either stall I choose is next to him doing what I dislike people doing…

Mike glances at me as I grit my teeth and make a fist.

I really am frozen for a second. I don’t know what to do. I know I have a pretty good chance of failure if I use the stalls. I already know in my head that I wouldn’t be able to go. I’m terrified.

I almost just turn and leave the bathroom. That’s what my normal instincts would do.

But today, I do something totally different…

I desensitize…

I step up to the center urinal and unzip!

Mike looks over at me and raises an eyebrow. I shrug and smirk back.

It feels so odd just to be standing there. So foreign. Especially since Mike knows exactly what I’m thinking…

The good thing about this Costco is the placement of the urinals. They are further apart than most and have dividers separating them. You aren’t standing shoulder to shoulder. That’s a plus.

I try to pee.

Nothing’s happening

I was thinking I’d just stand there and act like I was peeing until the guy in the stall left. Then I’d head into the last stall and pee there.

But as I stand and wait, it’s clear that the guy in the stall was not leaving any time soon.

Mike pees, flushes and goes to the sink.

I’m very nervous just standing in the center urinal all by myself. Anyone could walk in and be next to me…

I glance back at Mike who’s now drying his hands. The dryer is loud and noisy and Mike uses it twice. I almost get the feeling that he uses it twice to make noise, since he knows that loud steady noises help me pee (like white noise)…

But I can’t go with him there. Why? I don’t know…

Mike finally leaves and it’s just me and the guy in the stall.

I keep waiting for someone else to walk in. It’s bound to happen. If someone were to bolt in, I’d probably just zip and leave.

I debate all this in my head. Is the guy in the stall ever going to leave?

I stand longer. No one comes in yet.

I almost give up and admit defeat, but I hold out and wait a little bit longer. What’s the harm, I think. The guy in the stall makes more noise. Gross noises…

I cringe.

And then suddenly, wouldn’t you know it…

I BEGIN TO PEE!

It about catches me off guard. I’m PEEING!

I’M PEEING AT A URINAL!

I’M PEEING AT A URINAL!

I’M PEEING AT A URINAL!

I’M PEEING AT A URINAL!

I’m speechless and dumbfounded. I’m actually peeing at a urinal. I can’t believe it. I’m peeing full force into a urinal.

The guy in the stall is still being noisy. And then…

Someone else enters the bathroom

I feel my heart beat faster…

But I keep peeing.

He steps up to the 3rd urinal. I’m still peeing! He starts peeing.

I pee and pee and it doesn’t stop until my bladder is empty.

I finish, flush, and head over to the sinks.

I really truly am dumbfounded. I’ve never in my life ever peed at a urinal with someone else in the bathroom (I have in single user bathrooms, but that doesn’t count).

NEVER!

EVER!

It’s a first for me!

(That I can recall)

And not only did I pee, but I peed with one person in the stall and one person next to me.

I PEED AT A URINAL!

I left the bathroom feeling so different. Mike was waiting patiently for me. We walked to the cafe outside and I told him I was able to pee. He couldn’t believe it either. He was very happy for me. I’m still in shock.

I PEED AT A URINAL!

I never thought that would ever happen.

I go from one of my worst experiences ever (peeing only once in 17 hours) to peeing at a urinal, next to someone, in a busy wholesale store.

What a surprising world this is.

Damn!

I PEED AT A URINAL!

All day traveling to Kauai, Hawaii, and this is how it goes…

I make sure I drink very little this long traveling day. I have 1 small cup of coffee, and some sips of water, and that’s it!

I ate very little as well, which is normal for me because I hate the feeling of being stuffed, and then stuffed into that little tiny airplane seat. Not very comfortable!

So it all begins early in the morning. I’m up at 6 a.m. and usually I grab a coffee for my normal routine… Today I have NONE! I don’t want to begin this day by filling my bladder.

That’s not good!

The last time I flew, I had to pee, and it was painful and miserable. I don’t want to duplicate that day.

So I drink nothing and make sure I pee 3 or 4 times before I head out the door. It may be my last pee for a while.

This day (after peeing with my Pee Buddy for the last ten days) feels different. I have more faith in myself and I feel pretty confident about using the bathrooms and stalls.

Needless to say: I was WRONG!

Very wrong!

I tried to go 4 times during that 17 hour trip, and I only succeeded ONE TIME!

Just once!

That’s a success rate of only 25%. Much less than I would have imagined.

I’m not happy!

The first time I try to pee is right before boarding the plane. We’re in this lounge at the airport, which has a rather secluded bathroom. And since there aren’t that many people in the lounge, I think I will be able to go.

I head into the bathroom, there are 3 urinals and 2 stalls. But of course, the first stall is taken (and right now, urinals are out of the question).

I head into the last stall. Fuck! The toilet is positioned close to the partition, versus in the corner against the wall. WHY do they do this??? I hate that!

So I stand at the toilet and try. It’s very quiet in there. No music. No noise. Nothing but me and him, who is now just sitting there quietly listening to me.

I stand there for a minute. I know he can see my feet. He grunts and shuffles a bit.

I’m frozen and locked up!

I try to ignore him and concentrate on peeing. That’s when he decides to drop some bombs.

Ugh, I hate that noise and he’s going to town…

I can’t take it. I bail.

I don’t want to be around that. Nor smell it!

I’m outta there. I know it’s a bathroom and that’s what they do in a bathroom, but I don’t want to be standing next to him while he’s doing it.

I give up and leave. Why did he have to be in there when I need to pee? Sigh!

I sit back down in the lounge and Mike (My Pee Buddy) looks at me. I frown slightly. He frowns back. He knows I couldn’t go!

I board the first of two flights. I’m nervous because it’s a 4 hour flight. That’s a long time…

I tell myself I’ll force myself to use the plane bathroom. I actually still feel like I’ll be able to use it since I’m by myself and it is a locked door…

WRONG AGAIN!

I stand there forever in the little restroom and try to go as the plane moves slightly back and forth.

I’m locked up again.

I tell myself that I’ll stand there all day if needed, so I might as well pee…

It doesn’t help. It knows I’m lying.

I can’t pee.

I stand there for 3, 4, 5 minutes. Still nothing.

I look at myself in the mirror on the wall. I plead with myself (in my mind). I need to pee… Please!

It wasn’t happening! I couldn’t go no matter what.

I gave up!

Now I’m unhappy. This is twice with 2 failures!

I tell myself it’s because the urge to pee wasn’t strong enough. I figure that’s the reason why and try not to dwell on it.

We land and have a 3 hour layover (not cool). It’s already been almost 7 hours since I’ve left my house and I haven’t peed yet.

Can I go another 3 hours and then another plane trip?

We head back to this airport’s lounge. All my friends go to the bathrooms… And I go too. Mike follows me into the john.

I’m very nervous. I don’t know what to expect.

I see it’s pretty full. There are guys at the urinals, which Mike gets behind, and there is one stall left empty, and thankfully, it’s the last stall in the corner.

I feel a little relief. I got lucky.

I head in and get lucky again. The toilet is butt up against the corner wall versus next to the partition (which was occupied). There was about 3 feet of clean space separating us! :)

You wouldn’t think the position of the toilet would make much difference, but it does. It makes a LOT of difference!

I stand there for a minute, and suddenly I’M PEEING! I get a stream going and it’s strong. I have SUCCESS!

I PEE!

After that we all head off to a restaurant for food and drinks (they need grease to ward off the booze).

I eat a salad (still staying light), and drink my couple sips of water… “woah, not too much!“.

After that, we still have about 2 hours of layover left.

I decide to try to pee again. I also decide that I should try a normal airport bathroom (versus the lounge), so while everyone else is in the waiting area, I head to the nearest restroom.

Sadly… the bathroom I pick (the one that my friends can see me go into) is NOT a normal airport bathroom. Generally airport bathrooms are fairly large: 17 stalls, 20 urinals, 2 rows of sinks… But NOT this one. I happened to pick a mini-bathroom. This one only has 3 stalls (which you face as you enter the bathroom), and a handful of urinals, tight together, next to the wall.

WTF!!!

AND the only stall empty is the center stall. Of course! :(

I enter apprehensively. The other two stalls are dropping kids off at the pool… And instantly I don’t want to be there. I stand my ground and try to pee anyway.

That is, until I happened to glance behind me because I hear a lot of guys coming and going in the bathroom. And what do I see?

There’s a huge gap in the stall door… I can see guys walking in and moving about. They are walking in facing me and seeing me stand there…

I give up again!

I can’t do it. Failed attempt #3.

By the time we landed in Kauai, I had to pee pretty badly. I tried not to think about it. I hold my urine and no one else is the wiser…

I don’t pee again until I’m in the condo. Which is a long, long time… Because we had the dumb layover, another 5.5 hour flight, then we have to wait for luggage, take a shuttle to the rental place, and then drive to the condo, which was 45 minutes away from the airport.

Not cool!

By the time I stepped foot in the condo, I thought I would explode. After a 17 hour day, I only peed ONE single time.

That’s a nightmare!

So much for progress!

The good thing is, the layout of the condo was awesome. My bedroom and my bathroom (that locks) is at the end of a long hallway, away from the rest of the house so no one else will walk down there.

I’m isolated!

Perfect for a Paruretic!

I loved it and had no problems using it.

I will say this, that’s the longest I think I had ever gone in my life without peeing. It’s actually pretty scary. I hate to see what damage I’m doing to my body.

What’s scarier is what my pee looked like after holding it for so long. It was extremely dark and gritty. It scared me to see it. It didn’t look right.

Ten minutes later I peed again.

And again.

And again.

My bladder caught up with me.

In fact, I peed for the rest of the night (making up for lost time).

By the end of the third pee my urine did return to a normal light yellow (especially since I drank lots of water to cleanse myself).

I hate long flights and hate layovers. It doesn’t bode well with anyone with Pee Shyness. It just makes the whole day dreadful.

I am surprised that I was able to hold it so long. It can’t be good on my kidneys.

Poor things!

So here I am writing this in Kauai.

I made it safely. It’s hot and very beautiful here. AND… I have my very own bathroom!

I can’t beat that!

When the hell are they going to invent teleporters?

I could really use one! :)

Looking back, I ponder. If the conditions had been a little bit different, I probably could have peed at the airport.

If the stalls next to me didn’t have someone going #2, I know I could have gone. I know it!

Usually in a bigger bathroom (these were both small), you have more odds at finding an empty stall with a vacant one next to it. That would have spelled SUCCESS!

So yes, thinking back, I was close… But no call!

The airplane bathroom is a different story. I really do think that was a lack of urgency. But those bathrooms, those are still a mystery!

I find that my progress is pretty much the same. I pee with Mike (my Pee Buddy) in the bathroom next to me (facing me from behind).

Most of the times I can start a stream within a minute or two.

Sometimes it takes me 4 minutes. It varies back and forth. Average time going is about 2.5 minutes.

I really can’t complain about that!

I leave for Hawaii in the morning, so this is the last day that I’ll be posting updates until I get back (see you on the flip side).

I’m sure I’ll be writing about my bathroom experiences no doubt, just not posting them (yet).

It makes me a little nervous writing about them since I write long-hand in a notebook before I type them into my computer. I wonder if my other friends (who don’t know I’m Pee Shy) will find the notebook by accident. “Hey, what’s this? Richard’s writing something…“

I can see that happening. Not that anyone is nosey or anything, but when you’re curious, drunk and on vacation, you tend to check things out.

Let’s hope for the best!

First things first… I have to deal with the Airport and Airplane…

Those are my favorites! Fun stuff! Yee-haw!

I’m not so worried as I usually am though. Normally I’d be climbing the walls just thinking about how I’ll survive… But right now, I’m calm and pretty content. I feel like I WILL be able to pee in a stall or in a locked bathroom with no problems. Seems like exposure therapy is definitely doing something with my brain. :)

We’ll see…

If I think I can handle the bathrooms with no issues, will my brain make it so?

Mind over Matter?

Or in this case; Mind over Bladder?

I don’t know what to expect, but it will be here soon. Very soon.

Here’s to a safe trip and a fun vacation.

I think come morning time I’ll skip my normal ten cups of coffee… don’t you think?

Seems wise to me! :)

I don’t need to apply any more pressure than necessary.

After all, I am a Paruretic, and there is a 12 hour traveling day ahead of me. Only time will tell…

The thing I’ll be more curious than ever to find out, is what progress I’ll keep or lose once my vacation is over?

When I get home will I still be able to pee in the bathroom with Mike watching behind me?

Or will I be locked behind closed doors?

To Pee, or not to Pee…

That is the Question!

My day starts out interesting. I stand at the toilet and pee with my Pee Buddy behind me.

When I’m standing there quiet, and Mike is quiet, it gets harder to urinate. When we’re chatting, it’s easier.

The silence highlights every sound I make.

Funny how just noise affects your feelings and behaviors.

After a minute or so, I flick on the ceiling fan to add white noise to the ambiance.

Mike tells me “You’re avoiding the situation“.

True. Tis True!

But I leave it on anyway. It helps me pee faster, which I do.

2 hours later, for my 2nd attempt, I leave the sound off. I also set my iPhone timer. It takes me almost 2.5 minutes to go, but I DO GO. That’s the most important thing.

I do notice that in the past week that I’ve been delaying when I pee. Like if I know I could probably pee, I hold it longer. I tell myself that it’s because it will make the urge stronger (which it does), but I’m sure it’s more avoidance and not wanting to face an uncomfortable situation.

I guess this is no different than water loading, or stopping and starting like they do at the workshops.

It’s all discomfort! It’s all to UP the URGENCY!

Why do these techniques work? Why must we face uncomfortable scenarios in order to desensitize?

It’s not natural!

But it seems, that’s when Gradual Exposure Therapy works best. The circumstances that we want to avoid are the circumstances that we must stand and face.

It’s kind of dreadful if you think about it.

No matter what, I keep moving forward. It seems to be working, and I do feel like I’m making quick progress. Good progress!

This is $5 Movie Tuesday, and this time I’m going to pass on the popcorn and the drink (Bye Bye Slush). The last 2 weeks have been murder on me and not been happy times. I don’t want to sit in the movie and hold my bladder for another hour or so. I want to enjoy the flick. So no liquids today!

We’ll see how it goes…

You know, as I sit here, I think of how my situation must be different from everyone elses. I guess all of us are like that, but I have it luckier than most. I am NOT on any time requirements when it comes to my Pee Buddy. I live with my Pee Buddy (and no one else). He’s been my Best Friend for over 17 years. I feel comfortable around him. There is no intimidation.

And the more I think about it, I see that I don’t have to do the tricks that most Paruretics have to do to practice. I don’t have to water load. I don’t have to start and stop…

That’s because most Pee Shy individuals only have a certain amount of time to practice in any given day (probably 2-6 hours at most). They meet up with their Pee Buddy, maybe only over the weekend, and then it’s game time. They have to make the most of those short days so it’s not a waste of time. They load up on water to up the urgency and stop their urine flow so they can keep practicing the entire time.

I don’t have to. I have access to my Pee Buddy 24/7. So when I need to go, I just ask.

I think of other people’s circumstances, like being married with children. That’s got to complicate things and make matters worse. It’s not like you could practice at home. You’d probably only be able to practice out in the field (or at a hotel).

And then what does your unsuspecting family think of you when you and your new friend “Shh Pee Buddy” start going out for hours at a time (you went shopping and bought nothing?). They’ve got to think that’s odd.

How do you even explain that?

Especially if you start secretly calling each other, going outside to chat (away from prying ears), meeting up…

I can’t even comprehend such a situation. I feel for you! It would seem impossible to accomplish even the slightest recovery without having to tell everyone around you (at home, at work) what’s going on. Plus, you have to make time in between your busy schedule. Insane!

So I guess I have an ideal situation.

I’m single and live with my roommate, and co-worker Mike (my Pee Buddy). We run several online businesses together, so I can practice whenever and where ever I need to. It really is perfect!

Being stuck with other people, family or friends that do not know, would be hell.

And I have been there before. I’ve lived with a bunch of other friends when I was younger. People that did not know I was pee shy. So heading off with some guy for a couple of hours each day would have certainly raised some questions and some eye-brows!!!

So how do you guys do it?

Straight, Gay, Bi, Trans, Man, Woman, it doesn’t matter. It’s got to add more stress to the already stressful event.

I should count my blessings!

This is probably why I’m progressing faster than I thought. I would have never imagined this just ten days ago.

I’d love to hear how others deal with crazy situations. Please write in and tell me. I’m sure I’m an exception to the rule… Like 1% of the 7% of the people that suffer from Paruresis.

How do guys in dorms deal with it? Jocks on the football team? How about Traveling Salesmen? Construction Workers? Teachers? Every person is different and I urge you to share your thoughts, feelings, behaviors and stories with the rest of us. We can all learn and benefit from these testimonials (I’ll post them on this website). The more we know and hear, the more we see that we are not alone, and that we are all in this together!

10:40 A.M.

I have a slight urge to urinate. I tell Mike. He stands behind me in the bathroom and sits there quietly. I set the time and wait.

And wait!

And WAIT!

5 Minutes in I get a little drop out.

2 MORE minutes go by. This is the longest I’ve ever stood here so far. It’s crazy.

Maybe it’s because it’s dead quiet, or that the light is too bright, or that Mike is motionless, tired and waiting for me to go…

But I couldn’t. I was locked up.

More than likely it was caused by not a strong enough urge. I usually pee when I really have to.

So 7 minutes in, I stop the attempt and we take a break. I’ll try again when the urge increases. I’m sure that will help.

1 Hour Later…

I have to urinate. We get in the bathroom, and 24 seconds later I’m peeing at full force. SUCCESS!

1/2 hour later, I have to pee again (I think all my morning coffee is hitting me)…

Same thing, it takes me 24 seconds to start and about a minute longer to finish. I won’t complain there. If all my attempts were like this, I’d be a happy camper.

9 P.M.

After an afternoon out, a movie (Escape Plan – pretty good movie) and dinner, it’s time to kick back and relax. I watch some TV. Drink a couple of beers. The funny thing is, I still don’t have a strong urge to urinate yet. It’s so weird. It’s been about 5 hours since I’ve gone.

So I decide to push my luck and to try to pee anyway. It takes me a couple of minutes, but I do go. I don’t go a lot, but I peed. I told Mike I’d probably have to pee again really soon.

I was right.

1/2 hour later, I feel the urge. Mike’s getting ready to hibernate in his bedroom and I tell him that I need to pee one last time (with him standing watch).

He follows me into my bathroom. I’m standing at the toilet, and instead of sitting on the sink facing me (like normal), he stands next to the open door. He’s actually facing away from me, but he’s looking into the mirror and can see me anyway.

He asks if he’s too close (1 foot away) for me to pee?

I say “NO” and seconds later I’m peeing.

Mike turns his head sideways really fast to look at me (attempting to startle me), then he faces forward again.

I laugh

He’s trying to catch me off guard. It doesn’t work. I keep peeing.

He does it again and again. I don’t stop.

Then suddenly Mike spins all the way around and is totally facing my profile (just inches away).

I don’t stop peeing!

He’s right there. I’m 100% visible. He can see EVERYTHING… And I peed!

I’ve never had someone this close to me and facing me as I’ve peed.

I feel on top of the world.

Fancy that!

I wake up this morning with a strong urge to pee (like always).

I lay in bed for another 1/2 hour just to heighten the urgency.

I have something in mind…

I walk into the office and tell Mike that I need to pee. He follows me to the small kitchen bathroom. He looks at me for direction because he never knows what I want to attempt.

“Stand behind me and FACE me” I tell him.

“Okayyyy” he gives me an eye like ‘You tried this last night and couldn’t go’.

He stands there. I stand there. I know I have to pee and usually early in the morning is the best time to go, since my guard is down (I’m half asleep), and I have to pee pretty badly.

I look to the side and see he’s facing down. I tell him to “look straight ahead at me“

He does.

Another 30 seconds go by.

And then… it’s a success!

It took only about 2.5 minutes for a small stream to finally come out. It came out testing the waters. Then it flat stopped again… which is also a pretty normal thing for it to do.

I wait. Mike waits. He now sits on the counter. When I look to the side I can still see him facing directly towards me.

Cool Beans!

Finally I start to pee again, and this time it goes full stream. I finish peeing, I flush. I am very happy.

“Now I have to pee” he says.

I step aside and he moves up to the toilet. “Pee next to me like we’re at urinals” I tell him (I know he won’t really care).

So I face forward like I’m standing at a urinal and he comes up next to me. Our shoulders are close and he doesn’t waste any time. He pees very strong, very fast and very loud.

It’s almost startling. It makes me jealous.

He pees with so much force that I make a comment about “needing a splash guard”.

We both laugh.

He finishes in 9.2 seconds (I didn’t time it, but it was done and over before you knew it).

In one week, I’ve gone from hiding and peeing quietly, to peeing noisily and being observed.

Who would have thunk?

9:20 pee attempt #2

Mike is behind me, but is facing towards me in the bathroom. I try to pee. So many times I can feel that it’s right there on the verge, but doesn’t come.

I’m keeping an eye on the stop watch this time. I want to see how long I’m actually standing here and how long it takes me to go.

1 Minute goes by. Then 2. 3… I almost peed. A drop or two comes out and then nothing.

4 Minutes and counting.

4.5 Minutes. I’m right there again.

Me and Mike are chatting about Hawaii. I’m trying to distract my mind.

5 Minutes go by and I FINALLY start peeing. WOW! That was a long time.

I pee in 20 seconds and finish. I realize that it really is all about time. Time is the enemy!

Because sooner or later, I will pee. I can pee… if only I can wait it out.

This is true for any public bathroom as well I surmise. If I can stand there long enough I will pee. No matter what. I know this! It’s only the time constraints that I give myself that makes me want to give in, give up and leave the bathroom without peeing.

I get too worried about what my friends or family will think because I’ve been in there too long. I worry about what the other guys in the john think, they’ll think I’m some kind of creep.

It makes me give up and fail. But if I ignore the urge to flee and let myself pee with no time restrictions, then it will happen. I will pee. No doubts about it.

Keeping an eye on the stop watch seems to help. You see that time is not an eternity, it’s just a minute or two. Not much in the grand scheme of things.

5 Minutes is no big deal. It may seem long standing there, but if I can void and leave the bathroom refreshed and happy, then I’m all for it!

Let the count down begin!

11 A.M.

I’m in the kitchen trying to set up my imap email (thanks for the dumb “Verifying” fun Apple!) and I have to pee. No… I HAVE TO PEE!

If I was a dog, I’d be running around in circles and whimpering…

I finally can’t take it anymore. Mike is in his room folding clothes, and I run in telling him that I NEED TO PEE!

He throws his hand up like “well…”

“I’ll pee in your bathroom” I say “It’s closer and I really have to go!“

So I stand at his toilet and he stands directly behind me facing me. I start peeing in 10 seconds. The urge was extreme. No waiting here! I peed for about 1.5 minutes. Relief at last!

Ahhhhh…

That’s 3 times today, and 3 Successes!

Very, very cool!

I’m happy with myself and almost giddy.

I really do feel like this trip to Hawaii will be a much different trip than any of the others. I’m not fearing the restrooms as much. If I can pee this close to someone facing me, then I should be able to pee no problems in a stall.

You think?

4:30 P.M.

2 more times, 2 more successes. The first time took a couple of minutes to go, the last, not so much.

I wonder how I rate with other Paruretics doing Home Desensitization? I guess it doesn’t matter much since everyone is different and a successful pee is a successful pee. Right? Either you go, or you don’t.

If I can go, I’m happy. What else is there?

11:30 P.M. Update…

I go out to eat with some buddies of mine. I get home at 8. I don’t have to pee. In fact, I don’t have to pee all night (haven’t peed since around 5:30).

I briefly wonder if this is this another kind of avoidance? Am I delaying peeing? Holding it forever so I don’t have to practice? It’s rather odd. I don’t think it is since I don’t have an urge to go, but it really is weird.

I watch a 2 hour movie and down a bottle of water to help me. Still nothing!

I decide to trick my bladder and at 11:00 I stand at the toilet by myself, in my quiet little bathroom, just to see if I can make the urge come. Make my body think it’s okay to pee…

After a bit, I can finally feel the urge kick in. I stop (before I started) and go knock on Mike’s door. He’s watching TV and I tell him I want to pee before I go to bed.

He follows me into my bathroom. My bathroom that is in the back of the house is large. The door swings in with the sink to left, parallel to the toilet on the right.

I tell Mike to lean on the sink and face me. He’s now facing my profile and I’m very visible. He can see just about everything. The open door is slightly blocking some of the view, but there isn’t that much to hide.

He laughs saying “You’ll never be able to go with me facing you like this” (thanks for the encouragement). He moves his head slightly to the right to obstruct the view some more. I stand there. Time ticks by. He’s still staring and chuckling…

It’s quiet

I try to go. I feel like I can, it’s right on the edge…

After a minute or two, I get a little out. I find myself talking to Mike to drown out the sound of my splashing… The quiet is getting to me.

I decide to flick on the ceiling fan. The constant hum is like white noise and helps me block the sound of my urine. I pee within a minute!

And not only am I peeing, I’m peeing in force.

Mike’s 3 feet away from me, facing me, seeing everything… And I peed!

Now that’s a good day!

Wouldn’t you say?