Shy Bladder HQ

Back on track.

I’ve peed two times today so far, with Mike standing right behind me in the bathroom (facing the mirror). It took me a minute or two to go, but I peed! :)

SUCCESS!

I realize that my Paruresis is all over the board. One time I pee quickly, another time I pee more slowly, and some times I may not ever pee (like last night).

What I also realize is that this is a controlled environment. I know what my bathroom situation is like. I know my friend Mike. I tell him exactly where to stand and what to do. It’s all very controlled.

In a real public bathroom, it’s far from that.

You never know what you’ll find in the restroom. Empty. Full. Someone in the Stall. Someone in the Center Urinal. Busy. Slow. Loud Noises. Quiet as a Mouse. Janitors Cleaning. Distracting Conversations. Smells. Plugged Toilets. Open Doors… It’s endless what you may encounter just stepping foot in the john. It’s out of your control!

So it’s easy to see and think that peeing in a restroom with other unpredictable sights and sounds may prove more difficult than it seems.

One can only imagine!

I’ll take that road when I get to it…

For now, I’ll keep on practicing at home. I would have never imagined I’d be peeing in a bathroom with someone else behind me, literally back to back. EVER!

So THAT is a HUGE accomplishment!

I just have to keep focused and stay on track (even after derailments). I only have a lifetime of feelings and behaviors to modify. Nothing big, eh?

1:30 P.M.

I’ve peed several more times today with Mike standing near. One time it took me 2 minutes to begin a stream, the next only 10 seconds. I can’t explain it.

Will I ever?

I’ve been thinking more and more about my upcoming vacation to Hawaii. We leave Thursday (in just 5 days).

I love love love Hawaii (actually going to Kauai – one of the more remote islands away from the Big Island). I love everything about these paradise places. Everything except the dreaded Airport and Airplane…

Those wreak havoc on a Paruretic!

I’m hoping that the desensitization (Gradual Exposure Therapy) that I’m doing at home will allow me to at least pee in a stall in the restrooms and to be able to pee in those little claustrophobic plastic porta-potties on the plane.

That would be sweet!

I don’t see how I couldn’t pee a little easier in them. After all, I will have more privacy peeing than I have in the last week. It sounds very plausible.

Peeing with no one watching should come as a huge relief to me. I’m hoping for no problems whatsoever.

(As long as I force myself to enter the restrooms in the first place)

Plus, once in the condo, I’ll actually have my own private bedroom and bathroom. SCORE!

3 of my other friends are going, Mike being one of them, the other two have no idea I’m Pee Shy, but it should be a pretty fun trip.

I’m looking forward to it and crossing my fingers big time.

ALOHA!

7 P.M.

After a couple of more successful urination attempts, I decide to make it more difficult. I had Mike stand directly behind me in the small bathroom and FACE the back of my head (like he was waiting in line).

I could feel his eyes bore into me, and practically could feel the breath on the back of my neck.

I tried to Pee

Minutes pass by.

I could tell I was on the verge of peeing many, many times. It was right there…

But for some reason it just wouldn’t go. I waited another minute or two. Mike finally sat down on the counter bored.

4 Minute go by. Now time is applying more pressure.

Still no pee.

I finally give in a little and had Mike turn around again and face the mirror. I figured I wasn’t ready for that yet.

“I can still see you in the mirror” he says.

“Yes, I know. But it seems to make it easier!”

A minute later, I was Peeing

And boy did I pee!

It’s very weird how the whole thing works. Standing there I just don’t know whether I’ll pee or not until I start peeing. You’d think you’d know, but nope.

It’s like a big surprise “OH Look, I’m Peeing!“

Will this ever become second nature to me?

Who knows? But if it allows me to pee, somehow, someway in public when I need to urinate, then it’s far better than holding it all night. I would be perfectly fine with that.

I’m not asking for much.

Just a little Relief

I think I deserve that!

Attempt 1: I peed in the bathroom with my Pee Buddy (Mike) a foot away. He was leaning against the open door way facing out.

I left the light off this time, so the reflection wouldn’t be in the window (it was still dark out).

I went in 20 seconds flat. No problems.

I can tell that Mike is really getting bored with this. He’s doing a lot of moving around, shuffling and foot tapping.

That’s good for me because it adds anxiety, but I do feel bad at having him stand there, sometimes minutes on end.

I forge ahead. I have to become comfortable with this.

The second and third attempt (why am I calling them attempts?) was a success as well.

It’s time to up the Difficulty!

3 P.M.

I tell Mike to stand in the bathroom directly behind me as I pee (facing away from me and into the mirror of course).

I pee, but I pee slowly. Every now and then he shifts his feet and I can feel his back bump mine. He’s that close!

You can’t really get any closer than that.

I pee and finish in about 1 1/2 minutes.

I feel amazed at this!

Especially since he CAN see me in the mirror. Granted I’m facing away from him, but he can see me standing at the toilet. He couldn’t actually “see” me peeing, but then no one else in a public bathroom would be facing me and seeing me pee either unless there happened to be a trough.

I will say that peeing this way does make things more difficult. It takes me longer to go and finish.

The next step after this one will be to have him face my back. That will add extra anxiety and heighten all my alarms.

I’m only a few steps away from taking this out in the field.

But for now, I’d like to get to the point where I can pee side by side with my Pee Buddy at the toilet. That’s the ultimate test! If I can handle that, I believe I can pee in public.

We’ll see. We’ll see…

4 P.M. UGH! I have to pee again! This is what I get for drinking so much coffee (I read that coffee ups your anxiety level, and I drink LOTS of it!). Not good!

So I’m standing at the toilet trying to pee. Mike stands behind me again facing away. It takes me a minute to go…

I finally start peeing slowly and Mike is getting really bored and restless. He’s facing the mirror and he starts doing stupid stuff: making faces, moving from side to side, pulling hairs from his chest… I’m trying to ignore him, but I can clearly see him in the reflection of the picture hanging on the back wall.

He’s now moving rapidly from side to side stretching his neck to see over my shoulder. It makes me laugh, but I keep peeing.

He says to me “What would you do if I suddenly turned around?“

“Probably lock up” I say. Whether this is true or not, me just thinking that would probably MAKE it true!

For now, I’m peeing with someone else in the bathroom with me. It’s only been 6 days.. what will I be like in a month?

11 P.M.

I spoke too soon!

What happened tonight totally floors me. I don’t understand it at all.

We meet up with some friends at a Mexican Restaurant. We’re there for 3 hours. Everyone else has to get up to pee… all except me.

(I remember Mike telling me “You won’t like that bathroom“)

Me not peeing in public is normal though. AND I didn’t have to pee, I had no urge in the least. So I didn’t worry about it. Plus, I knew we were only 5 minutes from home, so it’s no big deal.

We get home around 9 P.M. I still don’t have an urge to go (Now that’s odd!)

9:30 comes around…

Still no urge. I decide to drink some water, so I guzzle a 16 oz bottle. That should help!

I wait and watch TV. Ten o’clock rolls around. Mike has gone to the bathroom about 3 times since we’ve been back. Me: Nothing!

I decide to “try” to go, because I know that I would normally go, and if I was alone I probably would have gone.

I stand at the toilet. Mike’s behind me. And I wait. And Wait. And Wait.

4 long Minutes go by and all I get out is a drop. That’s it!

I cut the session short for now and tell him I’ll try again in a little while.

After 1/2 hour, I try again: NOTHING!

WTF?

I’m totally locked up. Mike’s really, really bored. He’s tired of standing there. He’s leaning on the counter and I can hear him yawning like crazy.

I pee another drop or two, then nothing more.

I know I have to pee now. I just can’t. I’m feeling like a loser!

Why is this happening now?

What changed? After all my progress this week, I feel like I’m back at square one.

I give up and drink more water. I sit back on the couch. I know I have to go. I can feel it. I certainly know if I went without Mike, I’d be peeing in seconds…

But I’m locked up and hating it.

I try to relax. Not think about it. I start looking for excuses. Maybe I’m too full? Maybe the alcohol locked me up? Maybe I ate too much cheese? lol Something, Anything???

Mike’s getting ready for bed. I decide to try one last time.

It’s 11:00 P.M.

This time, I back pedal and tell him to stand outside the open bathroom door leaning on the wall facing out. This should be easy for me since I’ve been doing this for 3 days now…

AND…

I can’t pee!

I get out a little squirt, that’s it! Talk about frustrating!

“I know I have to pee” I tell Mike “It’s like when I’m on the plane for 5 hours and I’m dying to go, but I still can’t. It’s horrible! I literally feel like I’ll piss my pants and yet my body still locks up. I feel like such a failure!“

“You’re NOT a failure” Mike says “Look at how far you’ve come this week!”

I know.

I have.

But not tonight!

He heads off to bed. I walk into the kitchen and ponder tonight. This blows! I’m not very happy with myself.

I walk down the hallway, step into the bathroom, and pee withing 10 seconds.

I wish I knew what caused my derailment tonight. Because I was doing so well.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Because not peeing sucks!

Day 5 of my GET starts out weird.

For some reason I can’t sleep, so I get up early. It’s 7 a.m. (usually get up around 8) and it’s still dark out (thanks to the new daylight savings time hours).

I ask Mike (my Pee Buddy) to stand there as usual and lean on the open bathroom door frame as I pee a foot away.

It takes me a minute to go, and as I’m peeing, I look over Mike’s shoulder and out the window.

What do I see?

I see Mike’s reflection in the window (since it’s still dark out), and I see him leaning on the frame and I see myself in the lit bathroom peeing in the toilet.

I hesitate!

Mike is facing out and facing towards this window.

He doesn’t say anything, but it’s pretty clear that he can see me. I start to pee again slowly.

I turn and face forward and try not to think about it. But then I glance over at the window and our reflections again. Being watched while peeing is scary. Granted the reflection is not crisp, but it’s just the fact that it’s me, I’m being observed, AND I’m peeing that does it!

Will I ever progress to the point where I will be able to pee with him facing me?

It sounds frightening!

But, unless you keep pushing your boundaries, you’ll never get there. You have to face it some day.

Maybe I’ll have to start chugging more bottles of water to up the urgency?

Be still my beating heart!

I find myself peeing with Mike there 3 or 4 more times today (he was gone for a bit).

One of the last times tonight he’s leaning against the wall. The door is wide open and it’s dark out again.

The bathroom light is on, and bright. And as I’m standing there trying to pee (it’s taking me a little longer today than it did yesterday to get it going), I see the reflections in the window again.

But this time I see Mike staring right at me!

He laughs as I make eye contact with him.

“NOT RIGHT!” I say and I quickly flick the bathroom light off.

Our reflections in the window disappear, but his laugh still remains.

Peeing around people is such a new experience for me. As I’m seeing, it’s pretty unpredictable. I don’t know what other people will do. I don’t know if urination will come easily or not. It’s all a big question.

I was thinking about upping the difficulty level today, but peeing was not so easy. Granted, I did pee every time, but it seemed like it took a minute or longer to get a flow going, where as yesterday the average was around 20 seconds.

My nerves keep telling me to give up. It’s too uncomfortable. But I’m sticking to my guns and pushing forward.

I have to get used to this, and the only way to do that… is to do that!

Pee under stress!

I have to pee in difficult situations until it becomes easy (easier). I need to keep pushing the Pee Buddy and I need to venture into public restrooms more frequently.

But this is the first steps of my recovery. I’m already making loud splashing noises in the toilet, and I’m peeing within feet of my Best Friend, with the bathroom door wide open!

That’s a lot!

Slowly but surely.

It will happen.

I just need to keep telling myself…

Don’t get discouraged!

Don’t get discouraged!

Recovering from Paruresis is an every day battle.

My entire being wants to fight with my inner feelings and behavior.

It wants to break me down and take the easy route.

The Path of Least Resistance!

I struggle with this conflict every second of the day. While I feel like I’m making massive progress, my internal fight adds fuel to the fire.

It wants me to quit. Give up. Go back to how things used to be. Go back to the safe way. The comfortable way. The way back into my Pee Shy Closet!

It’s amazing how much resistance it gives me

Every time I ask my Pee Buddy to stand as I pee, I struggle with it. I struggle before asking him, as soon as the urge to urinate begins. I struggle with asking (even feel myself wanting to delay it). I have to really force myself to confront it. Go through the motions and tackle this beast that holds me prisoner.

My Paruresis wants to roll over and I hear it whisper “You don’t need Mike. You’ve peed plenty of times with him standing there. You’ve mastered it. Practice is over. Take the easy route. Just go to the bathroom and pee without him. You’ll pee faster. It will be safe and secure. You’ll feel no anxiety what so ever…”

“Why go through all the fuss?” it screams!

Is it really worth it?

And I have to close my eyes and keep saying “YES! YES! YES!“

Fighting this urge to slack off and go back to my old ways is fighting avoidance.

I want to avoid all things difficult and uncomfortable. This is why I MUST persist!

I’ve been doing really good so far. It’s been four days and I can’t believe all that I’ve accomplished.

But I must NOT give in!

I must not give up. I must forge forward and keep putting myself in discomfort. I must battle my demons and stand proud each and every time. That’s the only way to WIN! That’s the only way this will start to feel second nature.

When your brain yells “NO“, and says “ENOUGH“, you need to push harder and say “YES” “I WILL ACCOMPLISH MY GOAL!“

If you want to pee at a urinal someday with other guys around… There’s only one way you can do this: Keep moving forward. Keep focused and keep your eyes on the target.

And what ever you do…

Never

Ever

Back down!

Pee Buddy and Gradual Exposure Therapy (GET) Day FOUR!

It’s only been 4 days of my Exposure Therapy, but here’s a breakdown of what I’ve accomplished so far:

• I peed with my Pee Buddy directly on the other side of the bathroom door waiting for me
• I peed with my Pee Buddy impatiently waiting for me on the other side of the closed door
• I peed with the door ajar (where it could have been bumped or pushed open) with my Pee Buddy on the other side
• I peed with the bathroom door open a crack and my Pee Buddy waiting (where I could see a sliver of him through the crack)
• I peed with the door open a foot and I could see my Pee Buddy facing away from me
• I peed with the bathroom door wide open and my Pee Buddy leaning on the door frame
• I peed with my Pee Buddy acting impatiently and shuffling his feet as he waited in the open door frame (facing out a foot from me)
• I stood at a urinal for the first time in my life at Target with one guy peeing next to me, one guy in the stall, and one guy waiting behind us (the intent was to just stand there without peeing, since I had no urge to urinate) and experience my feelings and behavior

That was all in 3 Days!

Today, I’ll do more of the same…

I peed in the morning with Mike leaning on the door frame…

This would have been impossible to imagine just a week ago. He stands there, just a foot from me facing out, and he can hear everything I do.

It’s quite exhilarating and refreshing to be so free.

Who would have known?

The trick will be to keep getting more and more used to standing at urinals and to eventually pee in them. Doing so around complete strangers will be the true test.

It’s still hard for me to picture that even in my mind’s eye. But one day, I should feel calm enough to go. As long as I keep practicing. It’s just a matter of time…

3 P.M.

It’s funny how sometimes peeing next to Mike is easy, and other times it’s difficult. Like the pee that I just had. It took me a good minute to even begin, and then I peed only a little and it cut off.

Then it took me another minute or so to begin again, and finally I got full stream. It was really odd.

I wonder what causes this? Why are some times harder than others?

Granted Mike was standing there scratching his head and talking to me the whole time, but that’s nothing new (he’s bored).

I don’t feel too anxious around him, I feel pretty confident and comfortable. So what causes urination to be more difficult?

It may be forever a mystery!

6:20 P.M.

I’m peeing in the bathroom with the door open and Mike leaning a foot away from me. He’s standing there with his back to me facing out. That’s when I look over and see something that almost stops my urine flow…

The Door Knob

For 2 Days I’ve been peeing like this, with Mike inches away and the door swung open… And there’s the bathroom door knob… All Shiny, Gold, and Reflective.

And I can clearly see Mike’s reflection and MINE in the surface…

Which also means, Mike can clearly see ME as well!

All he would have to do is to look down and I’d be there!

I keep on Peeing

First of all, my mind ponders, Mike doesn’t want to see me pee. He has no desire to even be there, let alone be a Pee Buddy. He’s only doing this because I’ve asked him to.

So even if he did happen to glance down and notice me, he wouldn’t stare at it or say anything. He doesn’t care in the least…

It’s all in your mind.

Your Phobia looks for things like that…

It’s crazy how the brain works.

It’s only a Door Knob. Nothing else. But yet you’re scared of your own reflection.

Go figure!

I close my eyes and shove it out of my head. Don’t worry about it. It’s no big deal.

I open my eyes and look up…

DAMN!

There’s a spider in the corner of the bathroom watching me… (like the other one here)

ARGGGGG!

Affirmations are things you tell yourself to keep yourself thinking positive and to retain your mind into achieving your goals the right way.

Like for instance, my goal is to pee in a public restroom, at a urinal, with other men around.

So what I have to do is to spoon-feed my mind affirmative thoughts and not negative ones (I’m so guilty of this).

I have to stay away from choice words like “Can’t” “Not” “Don’t” “Won’t” “Maybe” “Try“…

Instead, I need to constantly tell myself positive words like “Will” “Am” “Do” “Yes” “Accomplish” “Obtain” “Can” “Succeed”…

Which means instead of saying something like “I’ll try to pee in a stall tomorrow?” I’ll say “I WILL pee in a stall tomorrow!“

That creates an entirely different image

Instead of saying “I’ll never be able to pee at a urinal” say “I will pee at a urinal“.

It changes the way your mind interprets it.

Instead of “I always lock up when someone else enters the bathroom” you think “I will keep peeing when someone enters the bathroom“.

Leave all doubts and negatives out of your vocabulary!

Feed yourself only positive influences that will sway the mind into seeing it (Visualizing it) and believing it!

When you can positively see it in your mind, it will happen!

And you have to watch how you word things as well. You may think you’re being positive, but you aren’t.

If you say “I always lock up when someone uses the urinal next to me”, you can’t just say “I’ll never lock up when someone uses the urinal next to me”, because that’s still negative. “Never” is a negative word and sends negative images. When you think negative, you’ve already failed. You won’t be able to do it.

You have to think something like this instead “I will continue to pee when someone else uses the urinal next to me“.

Think it, See it, Do it!

Affirmations work wonders!

It’s not easy to recode your brain, but you CAN do it effectively.

Stand at the mirror and look yourself in the eye. Think positive thoughts and verbalize them. Repeat them over and over again day in and day out…

“I will go to the bathroom as soon as the urge hits me”

“I will be calm and cool and continue to pee when someone is waiting”

“I will relax as I urinate to feel how good it feels. It’s natural. Everybody does it!“

What you tell yourself and what you visualize becomes reality.

So get rid of NO’S, CAN’TS and WON’TS, and replace them with affirmative words that give your soul an uplifting experience.

It can and will change your life!

“I will pee until my bladder is empty!”

“I will pee without pause until the last drop is out!”

Because the first time you say “I think I can” or “I’ll try” or “Maybe”… you’ve already lost.

“I will do this!” “I will pee” “I will feel ecstatic and have a smile on my face as I exit the restroom!”

See how different it sounds? Feed your mind good thoughts. Good behavior will follow!

It’s something that we all need to commit to. We all need to remain positive, up beat, and to see the world through Affirmative Eyes!

You’ll be amazed at what you will see. You will see yourself at a urinal peeing in a crowded bathroom….

And it will happen!

And that my friends, will be a happy, happy day! :)

Day three of my Gradual Exposure Therapy is turning out pretty interesting.

I want to keep pushing my limits with my Pee Buddy Mike and see how far I can go, and still be able to pee.

Some are a success, some not so much. :)

First thing in the morning, I need to pee. I have Mike stand in the open doorway with his back to me. I peed in just 20 seconds flat. No problem!

A little over an hour later, I tell Mike I need to pee again.

I stand at the toilet with the door wide open, Mike comes and leans on the door frame facing me.

“NO WAY!”

I laugh, “turn around“. I make him face the other direction. I’m not ready for that.

I tell him to act impatient, shuffle his feet, say things like “Come On” “Hurry Up” and “You’re taking too long”.

He sighs “I have things to do so make this quick“. (Not bad)

So the Challenge Begins!

Mike is only a foot away from me and he’s shifting feet. “Pee already” he says “I have to pee myself“.

He starts moving and shifting faster.

It didn’t affect me too much. I still peed in less than a minute. He’s still shifting positions and once he even turned his head to the side and said “Are you done yet?”

He starts bouncing up and down. I couldn’t tell if he was serious or not.

I finally finish peeing. But before I could step out of the small bathroom, Mike comes pushing in, shoving me in a corner so he can pee. He WAS serious! lol

“Move” he says. I’m crammed up by the sink and he’s standing at the toilet getting ready to pee. It actually made me pretty anxious. I quickly turned around so I was facing the mirror. Talk about desensitization!

I’m standing there. Mike is in my space and his shoulder is pushing into my back. That’s close!

He pees with no problems of course, nothing phases him.

I can’t believe I’m doing things that I never thought I could do. It’s almost startling! But I’m feeling more at ease with the whole bathroom peeing thing.

The next time I pee, I’m going to up the ante!

I have something in mind that could raise the hair on the back of my neck.

Will I be able to Pee?

We’ll see… Soon enough!

I do briefly think to myself “I’m getting used to peeing around Mike, what happens when Mike isn’t around?“

Later in the day, I have to pee again. I tell Mike I want to try something difficult. I’m going to crack the door a foot and I want him to walk back and forth in front of the door, varying the speed, intervals and noisiness. I know this is taking things to extremes because he’ll be actually able to see me (not that he’d be looking).

So we try this. I’m standing there trying to pee and Mike suddenly comes flying by the door way. LOL He’s running so fast that the wind pushes the door further open. I laugh out loud.

Seconds later, he’s slowly walking by the other way. Creeping by.

He’s gone for a second, then I hear him skipping down the hall. He stops in back of the door (so I can’t see him) and then he goes back the other way Moonwalking…

I couldn’t stop laughing the whole time. It was pretty entertaining.

Needless to say, I couldn’t pee. Too much sensory overload. The distraction of him seeing me and me seeing him was too much.

It didn’t work!

After 3 minutes of this, I gave up and took a break.

We tried again 20 minutes later, but this time we went back to him just standing there leaning on the door frame facing out.

And you know what?

I still couldn’t go. That’s odd! (interesting that I find that odd)

Granted, even by myself I can’t go sometimes. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because my urgency wasn’t urgent enough, or that my anxiety was high, but I tried and couldn’t go.

I waited another 1/2 hour, and this time I DID GO! Finally!

I keep telling myself “It’s pee in front of Mike, or don’t pee at all!”

I’m not giving myself a choice. If you want to pee, that’s the only way! Like it or not!

Desensitization at Target

Now comes the fun part. We’re heading to Target to get some goods and I decide to do some Desensitization in their restroom (first time in the field). I normally would never set foot in the public bathrooms, so it’s a good day to try.

I didn’t have to pee, nor had any slightest urge, so it was a perfect scenario. My goal was to do nothing but stand at the urinal… My greatest fear!

We head into Target and I instantly veer off to the left to the restrooms. Mike says he’ll wait up front for me.

As I’m going down the narrow hallway I pass a guy who just gives me a weird look. I’m not liking this…

I go into the men’s room with my heart racing. I have no idea what I’ll find. I find that no one else is in the bathroom. I’m all alone. Just me and my anxiety! That’s cool.

I step up to the urinal (one of two without dividers), unzip, and act like I’m peeing.

I’m happy I don’t have to pee, because that would have made me really paranoid and stressed. I’ve never really stood at a urinal like this. I felt so open and on display. It’s very unnerving. No hiding there!

I stood there for 2 minutes (I looked at my watch) wondering if someone else would enter or not…

Suddenly I hear footsteps down the hall (yep) and seconds later the door bangs open. The guy quickly steps up to the other urinal, unzips and he starts peeing pretty quickly. Me, I’m just staring straight forward frozen in fear. This is such a new experience for me. I can’t believe I’m here and that some stranger is peeing just feet from me.

That’s about the time that the door opens again and someone else enters. GREAT!

He walks in and I hear him hesitate behind us, he sees that there are no free urinals. He goes beyond us and heads into the stall. I can hear him fumbling with his pants…

The guy next to me farts!

That ain’t right! I stand there trying to ignore it and I think to myself “How long can I do this?” I’m just standing there and not peeing. Surely someone will notice?

It’s been 3 minutes already…

Just then another guy comes into the bathroom. Full house! He just stands there looking at us and waits…

Now the small men’s room feels very, very crowded. I can feel the heat on the back of my head.

I can’t take it anymore. I decide to bolt!

My practice session is over for today. I don’t want to tie up the urinal and keep people from peeing. That’s not cool.

So I pretend to shake, zip, flush and I make my way over to the sink.

I see in the mirror that the guy next to me was a little old man. He looked like he was 98. He definitely was an “OLD FART“. ;)

I wash and leave!

I was laughing a bit as I left the bathroom because of that old guy and the fact that I was actually able to step up to the plate. I stood at a urinal in a public bathroom… and it didn’t kill me. :)

I didn’t pee, but that was not my intention. It was to just stand there. See what it feels like. Mission accomplished!

I need to get comfortable with urinals and the feeling of being around other guys peeing and other guys waiting. One step at a time.

It’s a lot to deal with, especially being so visible and open. But it did make me feel good that I stood there.

I STOOD AT A URINAL!

That, I can deal with! :)

Day Two is different than Day One in my beginning stages of my Gradual Exposure Therapy.

I get up in the morning and get my coffee. I go to the office and see Mike at his computer profusely typing. I hate to interrupt him, but “I need to pee” I say.

He looks at me for a second as if to say “Well then Pee!“, but it suddenly dawns on him why I say that.

“Okay” he says “Give me a minute!”

A minute later I’m in the small bathroom and Mike’s outside. I close the door but not all the way. I leave a gap large enough to see through.

If I lean back slightly I can see a sliver of Mike as he’s facing the door. Which also means, if Mike moves just an inch or two himself, then he’ll be able to see me peeing in the toilet.

My Anxiety Rises

I can’t tell you when the last time I was within eye sight of someone and peed. I actually can’t remember one time!

Maybe through a gap in a stall or looking at someone’s foot under the partition, but now, I could definitely see Mike’s shoulder and arm. I set my iPhone Stopwatch to Zero and pushed start…

Mike was just feet away!

It took me an extra minute to pee. Actually 50 seconds to get the first dribble, and then at 1:11 to get the full stream.

I peed for 1 1/2 minutes, which is long for me, but I was peeing with less force than normal.

An hour and two cups of coffee later, I’m peeing again with the door cracked and Mike outside.

This time it only took me 20 seconds to begin.

I’m getting faster!

An hour after that some friends of mine come over so we can all go to the movies.

I had peed right before they got here with Mike standing guard, and I had told him “I’ll need to pee again before we go, and you won’t have to stand outside“. He says okay, he understands that no one else knows that I’m Pee Shy and it would look pretty funny!!!

And so when my friends showed up 5 minutes later, they’re all standing and chatting by the door. I walk up and say “HI”. We BS for a second, and then Kay says “Ready?” She turns for the door and I say to them “I need to pee again“.

I don’t know why I told them “AGAIN” but it came out and Kay immediately came back with “AGAIN?” lol

I just said “YEAH” and made my way to the back bathrooms to pee, versus the small bathroom that was just 10 feet from where they all were standing (I’m sure they wondered why).

I peed. We left. We saw “Captain Phillips” EXCELLENT MOVIE! But about an hour into the flick, of course, I have to pee.

The urge increases throughout the movie. I fight it. It makes me very uncomfortable and it’s very distracting. I hate that!

Finally the movie ends (awesome ending), and we drive home. My friends hang around for a bit.

I wanted to pee badly, but waited until they left (it was only a couple of more minutes). Then once the door closed behind them, I turn to Mike and say “I have to pee badly!“

“I need to pee too” he says.

“You pee first because you’re quicker!”

And that he does!

Our friends are still getting in their car as he heads to the small bathroom. He leaves the door open, I’m just 4 feet down the hall and he’s peeing and done in just a couple of seconds. I wish I was like that!

My turn

I go in. He stands there as I gap the door. I thought it would take me a while to go since I’ve held it during the whole movie, but it only took me 20 seconds and I was peeing.

I’m surprised at that!

I peek through the gap as I’m peeing and I see him just standing there. I peed forever! Like almost 3 minutes straight. Finally I finish. He’s playing games on his iPhone. I come out and say “I’ll probably have to pee again really soon”.

He doesn’t look up, just shrugs and stands there. lol

And sure enough, 2 minutes later, I have to pee again. Mike hasn’t moved. HA!

“It’s so weird that I can pee, and then minutes later pee again” I say.

“You’re weird!” He says.

Ain’t no lie there!

An hour later something interesting happened. I locked up!

I went to the bathroom, Mike is standing outside, I leave a larger gap in the door.

Mike’s playing his game but he was shaking his foot impatiently as he sat on the counter waiting. It’s like a day and a half of this was getting to him and it made me wonder how long would he deal with this Pee Buddy thing?

I could see and hear his foot shaking. It was distracting. I couldn’t pee. I stood there for 3 minutes and got nothing.

Finally I gave up. Maybe the urge wasn’t that strong? Maybe his impatientness made me feel rushed and anxious? Who knows? All I know is that it kept me from peeing.

I came out and told him that I couldn’t go and would have to try again later.

And a half hour later I did try. And I did pee!

I was happy about that!

Later in the afternoon, Mike is sitting in the Kitchen reading his iPad. I told him I needed to pee and that he could just sit there (8 feet away from the bathroom). I told him I would just leave the door open more and see if I could pee.

I opened the door half way, and then said “F it” and pushed the door all the way open. I couldn’t see Mike, but I could hear him right around the corner. I peed with no problems. And as I was peeing I could look out the hallway windows and see the road and all the cars driving by. I peed with the door open. How cool was that?

6:00 P.M.

I find my feelings disturbing. I keep saying to myself “Just go” when I need to pee. “Don’t worry about Mike” it says to me “Just go to the bathroom and pee. It will be easier and faster and you’ll feel safer” That’s my Paruresis talking.

I fight my feelings and don’t take the easy way out. I’m done with avoidance! It’s trying to over power my behaviors. I want nothing of it.

At 6:00 P.M. I took the hardest route yet. I told Mike I had to pee. He automatically grabbed his iPad and followed me to the bathroom. He went to sit on the counter… “NO” I said “I want to try something different“. Mike just looked at me. “I want to leave the door wide open, and I want you to stand in the doorway with your back to me.”

He raises his eyebrows “Are you sure?“

“YES!”

So there I am standing in the little tiny bathroom with nothing but a toilet and a sink (standing room only), and Mike is leaning on the door frame facing out, goofing with his iPad. He’s literally ONE FOOT AWAY FROM ME!

I could reach out and touch him if I wanted to. I’ve NEVER had someone this close to me as I’ve tried to pee. I wasn’t sure I could do it. I stood there for a minute. Then two. “Am I going to pee or not?” I say out loud to break the silence.

And guess what?

A minute later, I PEED!

It came out slow and quiet at first. Then stopped. 20 Seconds later it started up again and finally I was peeing at full stream.

Mike just stood there the whole time. The light from the iPad was changing the room shades of Red, Blue and Green… But I peed!

I was SOOOO HAPPY!

“Maybe someday I’ll be able to watch you pee” he says.

“Maybe”

Maybe!

So today (Monday, October 14th, 2013) was my first full day of Gradual Exposure Therapy (GET) with a Pee Buddy (my Best Friend and Roommate Mike).

I went to the bathroom about 8 or 9 times today (only in my home for starters), and every time I had Mike stand on the other side of the bathroom door.

Generally this doesn’t bother me too much, since I’ve known Mike most of my life and I’m used to him moving up and down the hallway. Sometimes it makes me pause or hesitate, but as soon as he moved on I could pee.

Today was a little different!

Today I knew that he wasn’t moving about his business, he was actually standing directly on the other side of the door silently waiting and listening to me.

It took me longer to go than normal. Generally I can pee in under a minute. Today, double triple that!

I felt anxious knowing that he was only 2 feet away and listening to everything I did.

And when I say 2 feet, I mean it. The small bathroom (one of three in the house) has a toilet and a sink and barely any room to stand. It’s a spare bathroom right next to the Kitchen. It’s very convenient!

Well, the toilet is right next to the door (which swings out). So yes, anybody on the other side is literally just 2 feet away!

A couple of times I stood there for minutes without peeing. But, for the most part, I did pee every time, and it wasn’t that long of a wait. 3-4 minutes.

I also did load up on Coffee and Water throughout the day to help me go as well.

A few times Mike would talk to me, and I could often hear him shifting, shuffling or grunting as he patiently waited for me.

But each and every time I DID PEE!

One time I peed, flushed, washed and stepped out, only to have to turn around and go back in and pee some more “I thought I was done” I said “I have to pee again!“

Mike gave me a look, but he knows I often have to pee a couple of times, so he just kept playing with his iPhone. Never once did he act frustrated or bored with the whole exposure thing.

Most of the time he played games and paid me no attention.

I asked him if listening to someone else pee made him want to pee himself. He said “No. Unless I have to go, then it would. Just like the sound of running water does.”

I will say that I’m quite proud of myself for doing this the whole day. I thought it would be much tougher. I did feel bad to have to go up to Mike and make him stop what he was doing so he could be my Pee Buddy. But he said he would, so I’m taking full advantage of it.

Only twice did I actually pee without him around. One time was when I was doing #2 (his response was “Thank God I don’t have to hear that!“) ha, and the other time was when I was in the shower (that I can’t help).

Other than that, he was there every time!

This of course would have been more difficult if the person standing there was a complete stranger. But it’s baby steps first. I plan on making things get more and more difficult as I progress. I don’t want to rush things or over load my senses.

The last 2 times I peed tonight, I did up the ante some. I used the bigger bathroom in the back of the house (where the door swings in).

I closed the bathroom door without latching it and had Mike stand on the other side. The door was just bunted up against the latch. Mike could have easily pushed or bumped the door and it would have swung completely open. (I’m happy he didn’t, but thinking he could did make me hesitate more).

I still went both times, but it did take me twice as long. But no matter, I DID PEE! Yahoo!

One last thing I did during the afternoon, I stood there in the bathroom with Mike as he peed. That was ODD! (First time for everything!)

Doing that was me getting used to being in the bathroom and getting used to being around other people as they pee. It’s a natural thing, so I need to learn not to be embarrassed or humiliated by it. Desensitization!

Mike stood at the toilet and I stood behind him with my back to him. I wanted to stand close (like you would at a urinal), but of course I didn’t need to see anything, just be there to hear it.

That’s half of my anxiety!

Mike pees fast and loud so it was over in 30 seconds flat.

Me, not so fast. Sometimes poor Mike had to stand there for 3-4 minutes (it seems so much longer than it actually is). But he never said a discouraging word. He never made me feel uncomfortable or scared. He allowed me to pee in peace. I appreciate that!

Day one was a success!

Tomorrow will be a little bit tougher. Tomorrow I plan on having the door cracked open just a little bit more. A gap that I could peek through (like being in a stall).

Will I lock up? Will I be able to go?

Who knows?

I may crack under pressure, I may be able to pee.

Right now, I’m just getting used to peeing in close proximity with people. That’s a huge step for me.

Someday I fully expect to recover from this social phobia.

Will I be able to pee with the door wide open?

Only time will tell!

I thought I’d take a moment to talk about some popular Shy Bladder Myths!

A lot of what people think about when it comes to Paruresis is just not true!

Even people WITH Paruresis can believe things that hold no water as well.

Like this one for example:

I’m Scared of Bathrooms

Untrue! It’s not the bathroom that scares you. You have no problems peeing in a bathroom at home, in a safe environment.

In public it may be different, but you’re not scared of the physical Urinals or Toilets themselves. Nothing about them is scary.

What causes your fear is your Feelings, Emotion and Shame. That’s what keeps you from urinating. Not the bathrooms.

Which brings up #2…

I’m Scared of Peeing in a Public Bathroom

False! If the circumstances were different, you WOULD be able to pee in a public bathroom. Like for instance, if the bathroom was a single user bathroom with a lock on the door. Most Paruretics would be able to go. Likewise if you knew that no one would enter the bathroom, like the building was closed or totally empty, and you were 100% sure that you were alone, you could probably void.

So it’s not that you’re scared of peeing in the public bathroom, it’s the idea of being Seen or Heard by others. Being Noticed, Judged… They know!

But Paruresis takes it one step further, which brings up point #3…

Paruresis is the Fear of Peeing in Public

Nope! This Social Phobia is actually the fear of NOT being able to pee in public.

There’s a difference!

You think that you won’t be able to pee in the bathroom long before you actually attempt it.

You set yourself up for failure.

You think that you’ll choke and 99% of the time you do!

You are what you believe!

This fear is brought on by Intimidation, Humiliation, Violence, Abduction (Aliens did it), Bullying, Taunting… all the Macho Men on the Football team. Something or another (usually when you were younger) caused you to fear this shame and embarrassing act of urinating in front of others.

It causes you to avoid these situations (avoidance is half the battle) and to NOT pee. You end up holding it painfully all day long.

The best way to concur this fear is through desensitization techniques. Forcing yourself into uncomfortable situations. Facing your fears! Making yourself go into the public bathrooms just to get used to them and to relax your screaming anxiety.

Once you calm down and feel safe enough in them, will you get to the point where you will be able to urinate.

This also brings up another Myth about Paruresis…

Only Weak Men are Pee Shy!

Weak, Wimpy, Frail men that are Timid and Scared get Shy Bladder Syndrome…

Not so.

This thinking is Wrong!

Anybody can get Paruresis. Any Man, Any Women, Any Age, Any Body Type: Athletic, Skinny, Feminine, Jock, Big Boned, Little People…

All walks of life and professions can be affected: Dentists, Actors, Comic Strip Artists, Millionaires, Men and Ladies of all Races and Nations can be Pee Shy.

There is no one defining link that binds them all. It’s brought on by their own Trauma, Shame and Humiliation. “Quit Peeing the Bed!” “Look, Richard can’t Pee!” “Stand there and face your Shame!” “You just went Pee, now you’ll hold it until we stop again!” “No Nerds allowed, you can’t come in here” “Ha Ha Ha Jimmy Peed his Pants!“

Endless Scenarios brought on by different Reasons, Anxieties, and levels of Fear (Occasional Paruresis, Mild, Severe).

The point is, Paruresis Affects Everyone at one point in time. Even regular guys who have no problems peeing lock up every now and then.

And the Myths just keep on coming…

Most Paruretics are Gay!

Not True! While I can understand how not-so-macho men could be affected more because they don’t feel up-to-par with what society calls a man’s man. It simply is not true.

Read the IPA Forums and you’ll see that Paruresis affects guys and girls that are Straight, Gay, Transvestites, Bisexual, Single, Married, Divorced, Separated, Parents with Children, Infants, Grown Kids, Families, Relatives, you name it.

Paruresis doesn’t Discriminate!

And it doesn’t discriminate against this either…

Paruresis is caused by a Small Penis!

LOL NOT SO!

The size of your Johnson has no bearing on the fear you feel trying to urinate in public.

While it’s true that being laughed at by the size of your junk may cause early childhood trauma, there is no connection with the Bladder or the locking up of the External Urethral Sphincter (the ring that cuts off the urine flow). Guys with all different Sizes, Shapes and Widths are affected!

Paruresis is caused by being Un-Cut!

I’ve thought this myself before. But it doesn’t make any difference.

Shy Bladder is not caused by the physical appearance of your member or hood.

Put that out of your mind. People Circumcised or not can all have Paruresis.

If you wanted to, you COULD force yourself to Pee!

No Way!

Trust me, we try!

It only makes matters worse. It locks you up even more and makes peeing impossible!

You can’t force your body to relax, loosen and pee. It doesn’t work that way.

That External Sphincter of yours holds onto your tube and is controlled by your Paruretic Brain. Anxiety reads your feelings and sends a signal to tighten up and fight!

So until your brain gets new signals that there is no apparent fear will it finally loosen it’s hold and allow the urine to flow.

Drink More Water, You’ll Go!

NOPE! All you’ll do is to make yourself even more uncomfortable. You’ll stretch out your bladder and make peeing difficult.

And, if you drink too much water, you could actually die from Water Intoxication!

If you don’t Pee, your Bladder will BURST!

Not so. The Bladder will keep on expanding and growing as it fills up. It will cause more discomfort and urgent signals to the brain.

But sadly, the Bladder contents could backtrack and re-enter the kidneys and cause damage to them. That could become serious!

But at least it’s good to know that the Bladder won’t burst like a water balloon!

Paruresis is all in your Head

This is actually TRUE!

You can pee. You pee at home. So it’s not some physical defect, it’s mental.

The feelings you feel put you into lock down mode.

If you change your feelings, they will change your behavior!

You can be CURED from Paruresis!

Not really…

You CAN be recovered!

This means you can get to a point where you will be able to pee in public. With Gradual Exposure Therapy (GET) and a Pee Buddy (Which I’m doing right now), you will pee in bathrooms with other guys under many different circumstances. But you will always have some symptoms or thoughts about Paruresis your entire life.

Especially under extremely difficult situations, like peeing in a trough that’s packed with guys at a ball game.

You may be able to pee everywhere else, but in this instance you may have to use the stall. It’s not fool proof! There may always be some obstacles that may arise that bring slight fear and trepidation back.

Paruretics are never fully cured.

Doubt, Intimidation, and Anxiety creep back in.

So if you’re looking for a total CURE, think again.

I say I’m looking for a CURE, but really, I’m just looking to be able to pee in most public bathrooms! Even if that’s in a stall for the rest of my life, I’ll take it. Granted I would love to be able to pee at a urinal next to other guys, with other guys waiting, but for now, I just want to not be scared of walking into bathrooms and being able to void when I need to.

That’s all!

I’m sure there are plenty more Myths about Shy Bladder that I could talk about, but these are probably the most well known.

Now you know!