Shy Bladder HQ

If you read my posts on here, you’ll know that my best friend Mike knows about my Paruresis.

I’ve told him that I am Pee Shy and have a very difficult time peeing in public, unlike him, who could pee at the drop of a hat.

He’s been very understanding and knows how sensitive I am about the subject. It’s not easy to discuss. Although he doesn’t know the full extent of my condition (since he can’t fully relate), he does do what he can to help me out and alert me of safe bathrooms when he can.

I thank him for that!

Like for instance, last Saturday. We all meet a bunch of our friends at a Mexican Restaurant for dinner and drinks.

He goes to the bathroom and comes back a minute later. One of our other friends even joked that he was gone for only like 2 seconds. “Gees, what’d you do? Whip it out and splash it all around?“

HA! She was funny. She was even funnier when she make hand motions like a fireman controlling a loose hose… BAH!

He pees fast and loud, that’s just how he goes.

I always wonder if I could use the bathroom at a new restaurant, but am always scared to check them out. You never know what you’ll find.

I’m happy because this night, I didn’t have to go. I had no problems holding it until I got back home.

But in the car I did bring it up. I asked Mike if it was a bathroom I could use…

“NO WAY!” he said quickly. “The bathroom was really small and really dirty and gross“. He went on to say that even though the bathroom was a single user bathroom with a lock on the door, it was a sliding lock that was really loose and the door actually pushed open 3″. WOW! I picture some drunk guy pushing on the door as hard as he could trying to open the stupid thing…

“You would never have been able to go” he said.

I believed him!

I’ve asked him before about a bunch of different bathrooms when we’ve been out. I know he goes and has no problem going under any circumstances. He’s the perfect person to ask.

Like when we flew back from Vegas last month. He told me the bathroom on the plane really sucked.

Since I have my own horrible experiences with plane bathrooms (and told him), I asked him to elaborate.

He said the door was broken, the latch wouldn’t close, and that there was a large gap. (What’s up with Plane Bathrooms now-a-days?) The stewardess told him that he could use it if he liked, but he’d have to hold the door closed. HA!

NICE! I would have died at the thought!

Well he did it. He said that the position you had to get in just to hold the door closed was difficult… but he was still able to pee.

Good for him!

Bad for me!

He’s been a big help in my fear of bathrooms. A little heads up is a life saver. He tells me if I can go or NOT!

And while this system doesn’t remove my fear of actually peeing in public, it does help to calm my racing heart and my rising anxiety level. I am able to concentrate better and sometimes even pee. :)

I’ve been slowly talking to Mike more and more about my Paruresis. Opening up to him, while trying not to overwhelm him since it’s a very delicate subject that’s pretty awkward between 2 grown men.

He’s not as nervous talking about bathrooms and peeing like he used to be. That’s not something people really talk about.

I still remember him saying to me last year (after bringing up the Pee Buddy) “You want me to watch you pee???“

I still think about that. His face said a lot. It scared me to say “YES“.

Will he ever be ready for that?

How does one prepare for such a dreadful encounter?

Right now, I’m taking it step by step and seeing where it takes me.

I know I need to start exposure therapy, that’s where I get a Pee Buddy to help desensitize me.

Oh Boy!

That will be an interesting day.

Until then, a Thumbs Up or “You could NEVER pee in there” is good enough for me.

It’s better than nothing…

Right?

As much as I don’t remember peeing in High School, I DO remember peeing in college!

Granted, I went to college later in life, I was in my 30’s, but I definitely remember going… And it was HELL!

First off, I tried never to go. But of course, as luck and my bladder would have it, I had to pee occasionally.

And that Bathroom was a Joke!

Seriously, there was only one bathroom for the men on the top floor, and it should have been a single user bathroom because it was the size of a broom closet. The size made it dreadful to enter, let alone piss in.

When you walked in, or should I say “stepped” in, the sink was to your immediate right, followed by one narrow urinal and one small stall.

That was it!

And it was dead quiet in there, you could hear a pin drop.

AGONY!

I would hang around down the hall in between class and keep an eye on the door from a distance. I was waiting until the guys would finish up so I could finally get my chance. I wanted to be the only guy in there.

The problem increased because all the guys that would use that john were in the hallways chatting in between class. They could see me standing there watching. I knew them. Plus, you also had the instructor that would use the bathroom. It made it even more difficult for me to go. They probably thought I was a creep.

They knew why I was going in there, and knew that I was nervous and waiting, and more than likely that I couldn’t pee!

And, even when I did go in, they would also see that I couldn’t pee at the urinal like everyone else, I had to use the stall!!!

Even worse!

My anxiety level was through the roof.

I would be in there trying to pee, closing my eyes, trying to concentrate, praying no one would enter… And the door would suddenly bang open (so everyone in the hall could also look in and see), and the footsteps would come within inches of my feet in the stall. I would hold my breath. I could tell who it was because their shoes were in clear view, just like mine were to them. It was natural to look down… You couldn’t help but notice.

It was sheer fright!

I could hear everything because it was eerie quiet in there. I hate that! It was so awkward and filled me with panic.

Why can’t places put music in the johns? You have to have noise to hinder the sounds of zippers, belts, grunting, peeing, and the occasional fart… No one wants to hear that.

I would stand there frozen in terror knowing that they knew that I was just standing there listening to them. “Richard’s so ODD!“

And when I did go back to class, I would have to look them in the eye. Eye contact was horrible. I would avert quickly and keep my head down. It was highly embarrassing.

It was even more difficult when it was just me and the instructor in the bathroom. He was intimidating as it was and I hated hearing him pee.

Half the time I couldn’t go. I wanted to cry. I would hold it for the next hour or so, and then hold it for another 45 minute drive home.

That bathroom sucked!

I hated it with a passion!

I’m happy college is over now, but for 4 years it was a living nightmare.

At least I passed with high honors!

Who would have known?

Shy Bladder is a joke, right?

“Oh look, he’s Pee Shy!“

It’s all for laughs. A Big Ole Ha Ha! The punchline of a comedy.

Everyone chuckles. One guy bends over holding his stomach. It’s a rip-roaring good time.

You’re not serious are you?

I’m mean really serious?

No one really is Pee Shy! They couldn’t be!

Sadly, this what most of America thinks!

Pee Shy is right up there with Swirlies, Wedgies, and Whoopee Cushions. Anything for a laugh.

Few people actually think there is a real condition called Shy Bladder (Paruresis). They think there’s no way that people couldn’t pee. You go in a bathroom. There’s a toilet or Urinal. You go! End of story!

It doesn’t make much sense!

When nature calls, you answer it.

It’s not something you think about. It’s basic instinct. You stand at the urinal and you WILL pee. It’s quite simple!

Sure it’s fun to rib your friend if he can’t pee off the side of a boat in front of a dozen people “He’s Pee Shy!“. We understand that. It’s funny! But it doesn’t actually stop him from peeing. Maybe slow him down, make it take an extra minute or two, but he’ll still pee.

Everyone’s laughing and pointing “Awww He’s got a Shy Bladder!“

It’s all in good humor. Although they may never let him down…

But that’s as far as it goes. He really doesn’t have a problem peeing. It’s not a mental condition that keeps him from pissing. It’s just the situation. It’s a little different, a little odd, no biggie. A little extra pressure is applied. So what! It’s still a joke, right?

When your bladder is full, you empty it. Or it empties itself. You may be drunk enough to pee in a hamper in the middle of the night, but when it wants to go, it does. Like it or not.

Anywhere, Any Time, it’s a Natural Thing!

How could one mentally keep this from happening? It’s not real, you can’t teach your mind to block that. Right?

Only crazy people would have something so wrong with their brain as to stop the flow of urine.

Don’t you agree?

Paruresis is non-existent!

Made up.

No one really is Pee Shy…

DON’T I WISH!

I wish it was a joke. I wish I could laugh about it.

Pee Shyness is not funny and certainly not something we make up. Shy Bladder is for real!

It’s real and it’s painful. It keeps people hidden at home. It hinders life. It makes one scared, timid, fearful of going out in public, and especially stepping foot in a busy restroom.

Paruresis cripples freedom. Fun. It shatters your world and makes your mind scream “I can’t Pee in there!“

It’s a nightmare we can’t awake from. Pee Shyness is serious! I have it, and chances are, you have it too.

How I would love for it to be a joke. A good slap on the back. One hearty holler and it’s over. HA!

Life would be so much easier then. Because I hate living with this condition. I hate feeling like a freak show. Send in the Clowns!

Shy Bladder sucks, and for those that think that it’s a farce, wake up!

It could happen to you!

Some people don’t get Pee Shy until later in life. A bad situation or trauma could bring it on (like being laughed at for not being able to Pee off a boat).

All we want to do is pee.

Is that too much to ask?

No!

It’s no joking matter!

If I didn’t have Paruresis, or more commonly known as Shy Bladder Syndrome, I daydream and think of all the times, places, and locations that I could pee…

Places that most men take for granted:

• Peeing at a Urinal
• Peeing in a busy Bathroom with a line out the door
• Peeing in a Trough with other guys
• Peeing in Airports, Bars, Theaters, Stadiums
• Peeing on the side of the road, a bush, a building, the desert, a tree
• Peeing off a bridge
• Peeing out of a moving vehicle
• Peeing whenever and where ever I feel the urge

Granted I wouldn’t pee in all those places, some are not legal, but it’s nice to think I could.

How free would that be?

I can’t tell you how my life would be different without these limitations.

Being Pee Shy really keeps me from enjoying all the activities my friends do.

I can’t go there. I can’t do that. I can’t because I can only be away from home 2-3 hours MAX. Just in case I need to pee. Gotta be a safe distance away!

Do I want to go out to eat, then the concert, then the bar??? YES! But Probably NOT! I don’t think my stupid bladder could handle it.

“Sorry, I’m tired. I have to work in the morning. You guys go have fun!“

Sigh!

I’ll sit home and baby my bladder. Poor thing!

Just one day, one single day, I wish I could pee like everyone else.

Pee shoulder to shoulder with another guy. Pee in the stream or river. Pee at one of those outside street urinals with people walking by. Have piss stream fights. Pee with someone staring directly at my dick. HA!

All these things that a normal guy could do, not necessarily does, but could!

How liberating would that be?

I’m FREE!

How amazing and wonderful and natural it is to pee when your bladder is full and not have to scream and hold it in for 2 more hours.

“No more drinks! I’ll pass!“

If I could pee, I would pee like an animal. Mark my territory!

RICHARD WAS HERE!

But no…

No one can know. No one can hear. No one can see. Shhhh…

I am Pee Shy!

I can’t pee in public!

It scares me!

It’s true!

Bathrooms are scary places.

You never know what’s lurking in the toilet (you may want to cover your eyes). The toilets flush automatically scaring the crap out of you. Sometimes they overflow. There’s something slimy on the door handle. Graffiti is written on the walls saying limericks you’d rather not repeat…

But to a Paruretic (Pee Shy Guy or Gal), Bathrooms take on a whole new meaning. A Darkness that consumes us. Our anxiety takes over. We get scared of making a sound. A movement. We get locked up, frozen, unable to urinate.

Every noise, every footstep, every breath startles us. It’s the scariest place in the world. We’d rather never, ever step foot in it’s chambers. The point of no return!

And we’re not the only ones. You see, there’s something sinister about Bathrooms that scares us all. Shy Bladder or not! Bathrooms ARE intimidating and unnerving places.

Just take a look at any Horror Movie to see for yourself. Often the most frightening place to be is in the Bathroom. It makes your skin curl, your hair stand on end, your heart thump in your chest.

The monsters always get you in the john. The place where we all feel vulnerable. Open for attack.

What hides in the shower?

Rip back the curtain and see for yourself!

Remember the Shining and Room 217? Remember the dead lady in the tub? REDRUM REDRUM

Or what about the lovely Bates Motel and the Shower Scene that still haunts us all today.

Whole stories have been written about frightful things that go bump in Rest Stops (appropriately named Rest Stop). Dire things. Dreadful things.

Remember Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer in What Lies Beneath? Don’t get in that tub!

It seems that every creature lives in the murky waters and wants to pull you under.

Close any medicine cabinet door and there’s always a ghost or goblin in the mirror.

Bathrooms terrify us!

There’s always Snakes, Spiders and Alligators making their way up the drains… Beware!

What is it about Bathrooms that makes them the perfect setting for Horror?

For the fun of it, I’ve put together a list of Horror Movies (Old and New) that have wonderful deadly Bathrooms, Toilets and Porta Potties… Makes you want to watch them all…

The Tooth Fairy	I Spit On Your Grave
Friday The 13th (1, 4, 5 & 6)	The Prowler
Halloween (2 & 6)	Freddy VS Jason
Jack Frost	Dead Zone
Final Destination	Night Of The Creeps
Hell Bent	Sleepaway Camp (1 & 2)
Amityville Horror (remake)	Urban Legend
Species	Dreamcatcher
Psycho (1 & 3)	The Shining
Fatal Pulse	Rest Stop
A Blade In The Dark	School Killer
Maniac	What Lies Beneath
Reeker	Deep Rising
The House On Sorority Row	Saw
Cellar Dwellar	Terror Train
Pieces	Class Reunion Massacre
Zombie Flesheaters	The Killer Krapper
Nightmare On Elmstreet	Street Trash
Saturday The 14th	Slaughter High
The Cleaner	Shivers
My Bloody Valentine	Mirrors
Witch Board	Scary Movie
Darkness Falls	White Of The Eye
Scream (2)	The Majorettes
Daughters Of Darkness	High Anxiety
Jurassic Park	Nightschool

That’s a lot of carnage in the loo!

What ever you do, DON’T GO IN THE BATHROOM!

Nothing good ever happens there!

It’s got to be the fact that we feel so isolated, alone, highly vulnerable. Defenseless! You can’t go far in a stall. Picking your feet up never helps. You can’t run, can’t hide, you can never fit out that small bathroom window… You’re trapped!

Everyone sees you. Hears you. Knows you’re here! It’s very blood curdling. You’re on the verge of panic!

See, Paruretics aren’t the only ones on the edge of their seats. It’s the bathrooms and the unknown.

And remember the worst moment that ever happened in a Bathroom? Remember Ben Stiller in There’s Something About Mary and that Zipper Scene? ZIPPPPPP! OUCH!

That Smarts!

See what I mean? SCARY!

Who’s that coming in the door?

Shhhhhhh….

“Little Pigs, Little Pigs… Here’s Johnny!“

This is what Paruretics do: We fool you!

That’s right, if I’m in a bathroom trying to go, and for some reason (one out of a thousand reasons) I can’t, then I’m still going to act like I did.

I’ll stand there and try to pee, and if the bathroom is too busy, too quiet, too many guys waiting, someone in the next stall… I’ll finally give up after standing there for what seems like eons. I won’t pee, my frozen bladder has won this match. I’ve failed.

And this is what I do…

I still flush the toilet (empty as it is) to give the grand impression that I went.

I wash and dry my hands like everyone else.

Hey, I’m normal. I fooled everyone into thinking I just peed. I’m the same as you and, well, you.

No problems here!

No worries! Right?

I went (wink wink), so if there was any question in your mind as to whether or not I peed (sounds stupid to say, but I know that’s what you’re thinking), then I’ll squash those thoughts and confirm to you that “YES I DID PEE!“

Cough Cough

What a crazy game to play. I guess it could look worse. People could see me come out of the stall and leave without washing up. That would just look gross! And Be gross!

You know what’s on those doors and handles?

After all, you did touch the latch (used my foot to lift the seat), and latches are probably some of the germiest items around. You don’t want to touch those! After all, I was just touching my junk as well…

So I wash my hands. And even then, you still have to touch the door knob on the way out… That’s even grosser to think about!

You always see those bathroom door hygiene signs that state “Caution: 92% of guys say they washed. 34% were lying.“

And where’s the door handle? Right where the guys crotch is…

Makes you think twice about reaching out and grasping the knob.

I wash up like everyone else, trying not to look anyone in the eye, and walk out the bathroom like I’m relieved and ready for another round of drinks. Bring it on!

That’s farthest from the truth!

I won’t be drinking anymore. I won’t even want to stay. My mind is screaming “I need to leave! I need to pee! I have to go! I can’t go here! HELP!“

Who’s the fool now?

I may have fooled you tonight into thinking I’m just like everyone else…

But this Social Phobia is NOT Foolish!

It’s HELL! :(

Will holding in my pee kill me?

Seriously! I think about this all the time. Will not peeing be the death of me?

Killed by Urine?

Can you imagine?

It’s happened too. A lady in a radio contest “Hold your Wee for a Wii” actually died from holding in her urine so long. Granted, the actual cause of death said she had died from Water Intoxication (Drinking too much water during the contest), but if she had been allowed to urinate, then she probably wouldn’t have died.

I’m no Doctor here, but hearing this scares me.

Can not going to the bathroom be my doom?

I’ve gone 8 hours (or more) without peeing before. Long flights, busy shifts, concerts, boat rides, amusement parks, dinner and the movies, road trips… it’s easy for a normal person to hold in their pee for an extended period, let alone a Paruretic, someone who is SCARED to pee in public!

I’ve had circumstances before where I’ve been so uncomfortable that I really thought I would die. My screaming bladder would not shut up and that’s all I couldn’t think about. Peeing consumed my thoughts “I NEED TO PEE! I NEED TO PEE RIGHT NOW!!!” I was on the verge of panic!

I am amazed it hasn’t killed me yet!

So I did some research on holding in your pee to find out…

Will Not Peeing Kill You?

It seems that holding in your pee won’t really kill you. The bladder is a sac that stretches just like any other internal organ (think what over-eating does to your stomach).

The bladder gets full and sends a signal to your brain that it’s full and it’s time to go.

Normally this happens about 8-10 times a day.

When you don’t go, the bladder continues to fill and expand (no it won’t explode).

This uncomfortable feeling could cause fever, chills or even stomach pain. It’s just your body’s way of eliminating waste.

The bladder could get so full that it causes urine (which is sterile when it’s in the body) to backtrack and go up into the kidneys. This is where any damage could occur.

It can cause bacteria to form which could result in kidney infections, urinary track infections (UTI) and damage to the body.

Sounds awesome doesn’t it?

As far as I know of I’ve never had an infection (I believe it’s more frequent in women), but who knows?

It’s good to hear that it won’t explode like a balloon and fill my body with toxic poisons. But it could cause problems with my kidneys and become a breeding ground for bacteria.

NICE!

So what can I do to prevent this?

Don’t go out! LOL That’s the cure for most Paruretics…

But really…

I’ll try to go when I feel the first urge. That way I don’t make peeing any more difficult than it is.

Go when the brains says “GO“.

Easier said than done, right? To a Paruretic, this is a living nightmare. It’s the one thing that we dread the most. Especially in a crowded bathroom with a line of people waiting…

As much as your brain shouts “GO“, the bladder and body say “NO“.

Why do they contradict each other? Why such an internal fight? It doesn’t make much sense.

It doesn’t seem like such a difficult thing for the body to accomplish, but apparently many people have problems peeing in public bathrooms. At least 7% of us have some sort of social condition!

Some people avoid the bathrooms and hold in their urine all night… And they’re NOT even pee shy!

Crazy eh?

So until I find a cure, I’ll keep on trying to go and hope that at least half the time it works.

What’s the worst thing that could happen to me? I pee my pants? I turn into a bacteria farm? I become “The BLOB“?

I always say Paruresis will be the death of me. Maybe I’m right? Maybe I’ll be the first?

Maybe I will be “The Exploding Bladder” (that explodes like a Peep in the Microwave)?

I kid, but I can clearly see it happening.

Death by Urine!

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?

Or does it just give you a floppy bladder?

Hmmm…

What is the purpose of this blog?

Why did I begin Shybladderhq.com?

Why should it matter to you?

In a nutshell, I started this blog as therapy for myself. To get my true feelings out for the whole world to see.

My goal is to document my Paruresis and to try to find a cure for my shy bladder syndrome.

That’s all!

The purpose is really for me. And trust me, you’d be surprised at how much better I feel opening up about my condition.

A condition that’s haunted me since I don’t know when.

You see, I’ve never really had anyone to talk to about this. I never told anyone I was pee shy until a couple of years ago. I told my best friend Mike, but he still doesn’t know the full scope of it. Just enough to shed some light upon the subject. He doesn’t know how bad it really affects me. He doesn’t know about this blog. He knows I have problems peeing in public. What else is there, right?

So I started this blog to tell my huge secret. It’s been locked up for decades! I wanted to finally address my social problem. Learn more about it. Read about it. See why I am pee shy and what I can do about it.

I write these articles for myself. It really is therapeutic putting them all down on paper (I write them longhand in notebooks before I fall asleep, and then type them on my site later).

I put my heart and soul into these posts. I hold nothing back.

Some posts have made my cry to write them. Some laugh. They uncover the root of my problem like a giant spotlight.

The memories come flooding out. Memories that have been buried for years. Memories that made me who I am today.

I never knew how much it really affected me. How much it touched every inch of my life… Until I really thought about it and opened my eyes to see the handcuffs.

WOW!

I started writing about it. Opening up.

Now I see that it consumes me, eats me up, and keeps me from being truly free.

I didn’t know another person with shy bladder syndrome until I started this blog (no one I’ve ever met in real life). That’s when I registered with the forums, and reached out to some of the people.

It’s been an amazing experience.

There are others like me!

I don’t know if talking about my pee shyness will do any good. But I do feel better about it.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be cured, but I do intend to write about it and get it off my chest.

It’s a burden I don’t have to carry alone.

Plenty of other guys and gals have left positive feedback and replies to my posts here. I greatly appreciate it.

It shows me that others are in my exact same position and suffer day to day. It’s not just me.

There is support!

There are professionals!

There are programs in place to help Paruretics!

There is hope!

So this is my journey. The nonsense I go through and put up with because something in my past caused me to have a crazy condition that causes shy bladder (shame on you).

If, in the long run, my posts can help others as well, then I’d be tickled to death.

But really, it’s all about my inner struggles, my pain, my living with this crippling disorder.

My quest for a cure!

That is, if one exists for me. Who knows… I take it one step at a time…

Join me will you?

That would really give this blog a purpose.

Hopefully my posts will touch a nerve, inspire you, make a friend, make others say “I do the same thing“. Maybe your stories can help and teach others as well?

Contact me, write a guest post here and let your voice be heard. Let others share in your laughter and pain. I welcome it!

Until we raise more awareness for Paruresis, it will remain forever in the shadows. Always fearful of the light, the truth, and of course, the bathrooms.

Let’s make this “Purpose” worthwhile.

“Hi, I’m Richard“

Now it’s your turn!

The last time I flew to Hawaii, I had a bad experience peeing on the plane.

A VERY BAD experience!

It took me about 2 hours to finally admit to myself that I to go, and that I would have to go here, on the plane.

I had to accept the fact that I would NOT be able to hold it for the duration of the flight.

I was uncomfortable, shifting in my cramped seat, and ready to bust.

I decided to empty my bladder.

I had no choice!

I told my friend that I had to go (hate doing this), and of course I was sitting by the window. He had to put everything away (book, drink, iPad, earphones), put his seat tray up, unbuckle himself, and then sadly wake up the lady in the isle seat so I could get past. Sorry Sorry Sorry!

Needless to say, it’s a huge ordeal with everyone clearing the way and moving into the middle of the plane just so I can wedge myself through and head towards the back of the plane.

I get up and squish into the isle and all eyes are on me. I’m causing a commotion. I’m getting scanned and judged by everyone on the plane. Such a horrible feeling.

People now know that I’m going to the bathroom!

A spotlight is on me. They all look up, our eyes meet, I feel very ashamed.

I walk down the narrow isle to the back not knowing what to expect. Are the bathrooms full? Are there people waiting? Are they out of order? Who knows?

When I get there I see 2 people waiting and both bathrooms are occupied.

Great, I have to stand with them, awkwardly not knowing where to look, what to do, where to lean…

We exchange casual smiles, someone makes a comment about “never enough bathrooms“, I say nothing, just nod.

Finally after about 5 minutes, it’s my turn.

The man ahead of me comes out and looks me right into my eyes (did he wash his hands?). I hate that moment!

I hate going in knowing he did something in there that I don’t want to know about.

It could still stink

I’d rather wait a minute or two and let it air out, but other people are waiting…

I go in apprehensive, turn around, and fumble with the accordion style door.

I can’t latch it quickly. The door is banging shut, the latch missing, people are watching…

I feel claustrophobic and humiliated.

The door finally latches with a thunk. The plane sways slightly making me hang onto the wall for balance.

It’s so hard to stand up in a moving vehicle, let alone pee in one…

I unzip and aim…

I know because of the movement of the plane, it will take longer than normal. I tell my screaming bladder it’s okay. No problem. I’ll stand here as long as you need… If it’s 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15… I’ll wait. I do this knowing that IT IS a waiting game and sooner or later I will pee.

“Pee Pee Pee” my brain chants trying to force a start…

And then I hear someone talking outside the thin door…

I glance over my shoulder and I about faint.

There’s a gap in between the door and the doorway. I can see right through the gap. I can see light, shapes, people moving, shadows, they are passing by the door…

I can clearly see a lady with a bright red shirt on. She’s facing the door and waiting for me to pee… OH GOD!

She’s watching me watching her!

I’m mortified!

My heart races, I feel frozen, Paralyzed.

I don’t know what to do. How can there be such a huge gap in the bathroom door?

How am I supposed to go? How is anyone supposed to go? Hasn’t anyone else noticed this?

I turn away and close my eyes. I try to ignore her and concentrate on my screaming bladder and the toilet… Just go. I really need to go.

But that lady is watching. I can feel her eyes burning into me. She’s seeing that I can’t pee.

I’m just standing there with my junk in my hand and I’m unable to do anything… except waste time. My time, her time, everyone’s time.

“Go or Get out!!!” I can hear her thoughts…

She’s frustrated because I’m taking so long.

I hear someone bump into the door and the latch and knob rattle loudly.

It makes me jump. I try to pee. I can’t.

“GO GO GO” I scream in my head!

It’s not working. The dam is closed!

After another agonizing 5 minutes of standing there, I finally give up. I wanted to cry. I’m so mad at myself. I’m mad at my bladder. I’m mad at the world. I needed to pee so bad and yet can’t.

Stupid Fucking Bladder!

I hate everything right now. I feel defeated.

I washed my hands. Looked at myself in the mirror and hate what I saw back. A scared kid who couldn’t pee. I stood there for a minute more and told myself that if I left the bathroom, I would have to hold my pee for another 2-3 hours. Because once I give up, there is NO GOING BACK! I would NOT try again! I knew it.

I sighed. Put my head down… And opened the bathroom door. The lady in red frowns at me and tilts her head sideways. HURRY UP!

I slink back to my row. The lady and my friend all have to empty out into the isle again to let me in. I feel everyone is looking at me. Can they see my cheeks flushed? The agony in my eyes? Can they hear my beating heart?

My friend looks at me weirdly. I know he’s thinking “You were in there a long time“. I buckle in and feel like shit. How am I going to get through this day?

It really did enter my mind that I may die from this. It was that bad. Holding in my urine for almost an entire day really could kill me.

Paruresis will be the death of me!

I sit there on the verge of shaking. My bladder is ready to explode and I’m just sitting here doing nothing…

I turned to my friend and whisper “I couldn’t go“.

He frowns. His face and eyes said it all. He wishes he could help me. Wishes I could have gone. He knows I have issues about the bathroom, but he doesn’t really understand the full impact of it.

There’s nothing he can do. Nothing I can do.

I just have to deal with it. Take it one day at a time.

As you can see, my bladder didn’t kill me. It held up amazingly. I ignored it long enough to get to Hawaii, get off the plane, get my luggage, get my rental, drive to the condo location (1/2 hour from the airport) and get to the bathroom… Only 3 1/2 hours later!

I never thought I would make it. I was never so scared in my life.

I hate that long trip. I love Hawaii, I just hate getting there.

And you know what?

I’m going back!

In 6 weeks I’m boarding a plane and heading back to Hawaii. I can’t wait!

Let’s hope this flight will be easier than the last (because I have been able to pee in planes before. It’s not easy, but I have). Let’s hope I don’t get this bathroom with a gap in the door again…

Cause that really fucked with my mind.

That made it impossible to go.

And on a flight that’s 6 hours… going pee is a number one priority!

(And if you want to know how that Flight turned out Read this Post: 17 Hour Flight!)

But the REAL KICKER POST is this Next one… After Months of Desensitization and Fluid Loading… This is a MUST READ: I Cried on the Plane!)

My friend (and roommate) Mike does not have Shy Bladder. He can pee anywhere, anytime.

As he often does at home… With the Bathroom Door wide open!

He doesn’t care who’s in the house. Doesn’t care who sees him. Doesn’t care who hears him. Doesn’t give it a second thought.

Even as I walk by the bathroom to the Kitchen, I’ll make a comment about the door being open “Can’t you close the door?” but it doesn’t stop him. He keeps on peeing. I’ll pass by (never looking in) and it doesn’t even break his stream. He just keeps on going full steam. The toilet is even sideways right next to the door of the small bathroom, so when you walk by you could see a profile of him, the pee, it, everything. Still it doesn’t stop him. See what I mean…

You would think someone suddenly walking 2 feet away would momentarily freeze you up, if even for a second… NOPE!

No Stopping Mike!

He just pees like the faucet is open.

It makes me jealous.

While it amazes me, it also embarrasses me.

It’s so loud! I’ll sometimes close the door on him to muffle the sounds. He pees really loud! LOUD LOUD!

Nothing wrong with his pipes!

I close the door leaving him in the dark. He just keeps on peeing. No big deal.

Dang!

Why can’t I be like that?

I would love to be able to pee and pee non-stop like a racehorse.

Instead, I’ll lock myself in the bathroom and wait until no one is within earshot. Then I’ll quietly pee, but only when the coast is clear.

It’s like one extreme to another. You’d think he’d rub off on me.

What would I give to pee with the door open? Must be nice!

Will that ever be a possibility?

Could I ever be so bold?

I don’t know. For me, it would be nice to even just go!