Shy Bladder HQ

I used to work in this store that had a great bathroom for people with Paruresis.

It was a single user bathroom (although coed) that actually had 2 stalls in it. We labeled one stall for the Men, and the other stall for the Ladies.

There were no urinals, just toilets.

It locked securely. It was in the back of the store. And I never had to worry about being overheard, seen, or walked in on.

I worked there for ten years and loved it.

Only one time did I ever get a real scare…

And that was during Drug Test Day!

Granted, I don’t do drugs, never have, never will, but of course I wasn’t scared of the drugs, I was scared of the testing.

The owners had suspicions about some of the employees and wanted to weed them out. They decided to do a random drug test on everyone.

They called in the agency and some very intimidating uniformed officers showed up. Whether or not they were cops, friends of the owners or not, I don’t know, but they were making the employees go into the bathroom one at a time, and while a guard (a large intimidating man) stood close by, they had to submit a urine sample (urinalysis) for testing.

When I heard this, I just about crapped my pants. How can I pee in a bottle if I can’t pee in front of strangers?

Let alone one standing 2 feet from me watching me pee.

No way on earth would that ever happen. Never!

I was so nervous as they were taking some of the employees into the john. I could tell a few were apprehensive and some of them were in there a while. Not easy even to them!

One of the girls in the office could tell that I was nervous and watching the door. “There’s nothing to worry about” she said “unless you do drugs!“

After about half the employees went in and submitted samples, the owners sent a bunch of us to lunch.

I was one of them to go. Fine by me. I needed some distance from that place just to calm my racing heart.

I almost didn’t go back!

I was that scared!

Petrified is more like it!

I asked one guy who did go in what it was like, and he said it was hard because the guard stands right next to you as you go. He laughed saying he had a tough time going under those circumstances. “He’s staring at my junk” he says.

I feel my world spin and the bottom drop out.

What am I going to do? What do I tell the guard is the reason that I can’t pee in a bottle? How can I just stand there and not go?

What will he say? Will he yell at me? Try to force me? Stand there as long as it takes?

What will he say to the owner? Will he really wait all day?

I wondered if there was any way to get out of this… This Embarrassment!

I felt like passing out. I can’t believe that they’re going to make me endure this humiliation, and then everyone in the whole store will know that Richard is Pee Shy. He’s not man enough to piss in a bottle. I’ll be a laughing joke!

After lunch (I didn’t eat), I go back.

I was probably pale as a ghost. I notice instantly that the cops were no longer there. I say nothing. I don’t bring it up. Not a word.

4 Hours go by. We end the day. We pack up the store and are getting ready to leave, and I decide to say something. I had to know if the drug testing was being finished tomorrow…

Since I’m on pretty good terms with the owners, I casually say “So what happened to the drug testing?“

He shrugged “We only needed to test a few. We pretty much knew who was doing it and wanted confirmation. She admitted it to the guard and we let her go!”

WoW!

It was over. No more testing! I nod to him and say “Have a good night“.

I had never in my life felt more relieved.

I got lucky that day because I certainly thought my shy bladder would be the talk of the store. That was a pretty big scare.

It makes me wonder how other Paruretics deal with such situations.

Have you been drug tested?

How long do you stand there frozen in terror?

Do you explain your condition to them? Are they understanding?

Is this common?

Let’s find out…

If you’ve ever experienced a drug test and peed or couldn’t pee, post your story in the comment section below.

I’d love to hear from you!

And I’m sure so would everyone else.

It’s a very weird thing to think about. It’s a weird fact to admit. But I don’t ever recall peeing when I was young. Younger!

Ever!

Peeing in School that is!

How odd is that?

All through Grade School, all through High School, I never once recall peeing in those bathrooms.

How can I not remember something like that?

Especially since it’s a very huge fear of mine. You’d think I’d remember it all. But I can’t. Not one single time do I ever remember even stepping foot in the School’s Bathroom.

Lord knows I did. I had to have. I MUST have!

Why don’t I remember?

Why have I blocked it all out?

I don’t remember going into the johns, into the stalls, did they even have stalls? No heavy traffic, no guys banter, no hustle or bustle between classes… Nothing!

It blows my mind to think about it!

It makes me wonder, as impossible as it sounds, that I never used the bathrooms in School. At all!

Not Once!

Did I hold it all day? Did I have such a fear back then, way before I even knew what Paruresis was, that I held it in without thinking about it?

Was it just a natural thing I learned?

Could that really happen all the way back in Elementary? Kindergarten? As long as I can remember?

I think I must be nuts! But it could be…

Maybe I’ll have to see a shrink to uncover the truth. Find out why it’s blocked out… or if it even existed!

Have I been pee shy all my life? Since diapers?

It boggles my mind, but I’m leaning towards a strong “YES“.

How else can you explain no memory of such events?

Surely some traumatic things happened…

I vaguely recall getting a swirly in the 7th Grade… At least I think I did.

So I had to have gone in the bathroom once. Or dragged in…

Maybe it was the 5th Grade? 4th? Who knows???

It’s just a blurry past with no concrete evidence. I can’t pin-point anything, or any time. Did it happen to me? Was it someone else? My childhood really is a darkness that gives me very little light.

What’s in my past that I want to forget? Why couldn’t I pee back then? Why is it such a mystery?

I do remember peeing at home…

That I do know. When I was young, I remember being as quiet as a mouse as I snuck down the hall past my Dad’s open Bedroom. I didn’t want to wake him. I didn’t want to get yelled at or beat.

I would sneak down the hall, close the bathroom door as gently as I could (it creaked slightly). The door was only feet away from his headboard which was on the other side of the wall. He could hear everything. I could hear him breathing and snoring and rolling over. It was very unnerving.

I would close the door trying not to make him stir…

I learned to pee on the side of the toilet bowl to muffle my stream. I didn’t want to get caught. He wasn’t happy if you disturbed his sleep. I peed quietly and terrified.

I would grit my teeth and pee. And then once finished, I would have to flush the toilet, which sadly, flushed very loudly. It would always wake him. Not much I could do about that.

I would flush and then stand there frozen until the sounds finally went away. It took forever. I would listen for his breathing to begin again as he drifted off…

Only then would I open the door, scared to death, and sneak past his room, down the hall, and all the way to the other side of the house and upstairs to my safe bedroom. We only had the one bathroom. It was a LONG walk!

I hated that walk!

It was dreadful and made my heart race… sort of like now when I think about using the bathroom…

I remember peeing in total fear. But NOT at School.

I remember lunch periods and eating. I remember that my Aunt worked in the Cafeteria Lunch Room. But never did I pee in front of those kids that picked on me. Bullied me. I stayed away from the johns.

Decades later, I still stay away from the johns.

Is it because of my Dad? Is it because of the kid’s taunting?

I don’t know.

I just don’t remember!

If I know I’m going out for the night, I’ll plan ahead. I make sure that I don’t drink much prior to the event.

The last thing I need is to down a 32 ounce soda and then head out the door.

It’s not going to happen!

And it wouldn’t end nice!

I know that limiting my liquid intake, will also control my bladder. Don’t feed the bears!

So I’m leisure with my coffee, water, soda and wine.

I cut myself off hours before.

That night, when I’m out with my friends and they are ordering round after round, I’m still sipping casually on the first glass. I don’t even get a drink at the bar while waiting for our seats… Oh No!

I wait until we sit, and then I order my one drink that will last me all night.

I drag it out!

They’re on 4 beers and laughing and having a good ole time, and they don’t even notice that this is my very first.

I’m actually surprised that they don’t notice. They must think that I just don’t like to drink.

LOL

I just make sure my bladder isn’t pushed into an uncomfortable position. It doesn’t want to make a bathroom trip.

“Do you want another drink?” Kay will say.

“No, I’m fine” I smile and lift my half full glass.

I know I can’t be the only slow drinker out there. But I could take the prize.

Everybody else overloads their bladder and has to repeatedly go to the john every 10 minutes.

Not I.

It gets kind of amusing to watch them. As long as it’s them, and not me! :)

I take another tiny sip.

Woah! Not too much!

Just enough to keep me safe. Keep me enjoying dinner. Enjoying my friends.

Oh…

And it keeps me in my seat.

Because that bathroom is a very scary place!

You know?

If so many people are affected with Shy Bladder Syndrome, then why aren’t businesses more Pee Shy Friendly?

Hasn’t a CEO or some Corporate Big Wig ever had Paruresis?

If so, they would know and understand and be compassionate towards their Pee Shy Clientele.

There’s got to be some, right?

I would think so.

But yet businesses rarely have accommodations towards Paruretics.

Their bathrooms are small, crowded, too quiet, and unwelcoming.

The stall doors are loose with large gaps. They don’t close or latch properly.

The bathrooms have no music, nothing to muffle the sounds of prying ears.

The stalls aren’t high enough, or low enough, I hate seeing feet next to me…

It’s like businesses don’t care in the least about people with Shy Bladder.

They treat us like we don’t exist!

If more places and stores had private bathrooms, people with anxiety issues like us would probably frequent them more often.

A “Safe” bathroom is important and ideal.

Why is it so rare to find?

There’s only 2 single-user bathrooms that I know of in a 10 mile radius around me.

That’s Bad!

It’s not safe to pee anywhere!

So why don’t places invest in a couple more friendly bathrooms?

They’ve got to know that this problem affects a certain number of customers.

What will it take for businesses and owners to change and take this ordeal more seriously?

Is this even possible?

I’m sure in their eyes it’s not worth the added expense. I mean people with Paruresis stay at home right? They don’t venture out and spend money.

Paruretics don’t step out in public! No Way!

They stay locked behind closed doors, sight unseen.

After all, you never see anyone in the bathrooms that’s pee shy.

It’s all a Myth!

There are no real statistics on cause and effect. They can’t track us to really know. It bears no consequences.

I mean, if I can’t find another Paruretic in the city, how can they?

So where do you begin? You begin at the top!

Business Owners and CEO’s listen up…

We NEED more private bathrooms. Even if it’s just one bathroom, a single-user bathroom, with a lock on the door. SOMETHING! ANYTHING!

WE NEED IT!

You CAN help us! You can implement a change that could affect your bottom line. Let us have a place to go.

It would mean so much to us.

Because we can’t do crowds. We can’t do lines. We can’t go like everyone else.

Our bodies don’t function that way.

We need our safety, our space, a bathroom we can feel calm in.

All it takes is a little understanding, and a start.

We aren’t asking for much.

Just a place to pee!

Will you give us that?

Why is it when one person says “I’m going pee“, that other people will chime in “Oh, I’ll go too!“

Why do people feel the urge to pee with friends?

Why is peeing a social event?

Women do it all the time. When one excuses herself at the table, just about every other woman will say “I’ll go with you”.

When one pees, they all pee!

Knowing that peeing is such a contagious function makes me even more apprehensive to tell anyone that I need to pee. Guys aren’t as bad as women are, but they will still say “I might as well go too“.

Especially if you’re at the theater, amusement park, mall, store, airport…

When I pee, I want to pee alone. I don’t want to feel intimidated when my friend goes to the urinal (and pees like a race horse) and I have to locate a stall for my ten minute fiasco. My friends (all but one) DO NOT know that I am pee shy, and I don’t want to make it obvious.

I don’t want them questioning my masculinity. “Why not use the urinal?“

Plus, if we go together then I know that chances are good, they’ll be more inclined to wait for me.

Waiting and waiting, because I know they’re waiting and it makes my anxiety even worse.

So I have to be careful when I’m out with a bunch of guys and I need to go. I can’t voice my concern, I have to wait for the right moment to make my move.

Usually I’ll wait until they all go, and then, like it suddenly hits me as an afterthought, “I guess I should go too while we’re here!“

That way at least they’re waiting outside and not on the other side of the stall door.

This Just Happened…

The other day I’m at the Art Museum with 4 friends.

Me and Joe are waiting for the other two to finish class and I really needed to go to the john.

We were walking the museum and passing by the bathrooms and without saying a word, I just dart in…

I’m hoping he doesn’t have to go and follow me in…

Some guys, especially your friends, will want to chat. Sports, Weather, Women, Whatever…

And that’s the last thing I need.

No one else was in the bathroom. It’s ultra quiet. I head into the stall, latch the door, and proceed to stand at the toilet.

It takes me a good minute or two to calm down enough to begin. I always fear that someone will slam open the bathroom door and scare the crap out of me… This usually freezes up my stream until they leave.

I wait and wait.

No Joe!

I can’t believe it.

I finally finished peeing and boy did it feel good.

When I left the bathroom, Joe was at the end of the hall talking with some girl.

Distracted!

Cool!

It worked swell for both of us. :)

If he would have come in, like most people are accustomed to doing, I might still be in there trying to pee.

The fact that this ritual, male bonding, peeing in groups, whatever you want to call it, goes on, makes being out in public difficult.

Friends have no idea the pressure they put on Paruretics.

Shy Bladder is a shyness, something you want to do alone, in quiet, with no fear of being interrupted, surprised or startled.

“I’m going to the bathroom!”

“I guess I’ll go too!“

“And me…!“

“Well if everyone’s going, I should go as well!“

Sigh!

I generally just stand outside and wait. It’s either wait outside or wait inside. Which is the lesser evil?

I have to pick my battles wisely.

Don’t tell anyone. Don’t make it obvious. Just go!

If I can.

You never know. Sometimes it comes out, other times, not so much.

I keep waiting for the day when one of my friends will say “You never have to go to the bathroom!“

I would nod and agree and say something stupid like “I must have a strong bladder“.

If only they knew.

If there’s one thing I dread, it’s walking into a bathroom and seeing what I see.

You never know what to expect.

First of all, it takes a lot of courage and discomfort on my part just to even get to the point of trying to step towards the bathroom, let alone go in.

I have to be so uncomfortable with my bladder that it’s practically consuming my every thought.

In other words, I’d just about get run over by a mac truck then attempt to pee in public.

So on those rare occasions, when I do summons up the courage and make a bold try at peeing, I know I have to do one thing first…

Step into the John

I hate that will all my passion.

I’m always so tense, scared and on the verge of panic. I feel like everyone is looking at me, knowing that hey “He’s actually going in to pee? He CAN’T pee! This should be funny…“

And so many times they’re right. So many times I set one foot into the bathroom and immediately turn and walk right back out.

Just 2 weeks ago this happened

I was at Cedar Point (the Roller Coaster Capital) and I had to go. I step through the crowd waiting at the entrances and walk into the men’s bathroom. Guys are coming and going and when I walk in, there are guys waiting for the urinals. The sinks are full. The few stalls there are are occupied. A couple guys look at me… (Sizing me up)

I’m embarrassed. I know in that one instance that this attempt is a no-go. My brain practically screams “Abandon Ship, Abandon Ship!“

My feet quickly turn around (almost running into a guy walking in) and I bolt right back out the door.

I know some guys saw me come and go so fast. I could feel their eyes on the back of my head.

I also know that the ten thousand people huddled around the bathrooms saw me enter and leave high tail as well.

I walk back out, head down so I don’t see their gaze. My heart beats fast. I chickened out and couldn’t pee. I’m a weirdo!

I feel like a total failure!

This happens quite often. If in one glance the bathroom is too busy, too much commotion, people waiting, watching, I know it’s an impossible mission. I have no recourse but to leave fast and keep my screaming bladder screaming some more.

These are horrible situations, but sadly, common situations for Paruretics.

You never know until you walk in to the lion’s den.

The odds aren’t stacked in your favor!

Sure it’s nice when the bathroom is empty or calm. It’s even better if there’s loud music and plenty of stalls to chose from… Especially if the partitions go all the way down to the floor! YES!

But those bathrooms are rare, and few, and until then, it’s just me and my bladder yelling…

“I CAN’T PEE IN THERE!”

I can’t even imagine what life would be without Paruresis. I can only dream.

If I had one wish in life, it would be to cure myself of this horrible disorder and shame.

Those without Paruresis do not know what they’re missing.

It’s a grand life, right?

I really do think about ‘normal‘ people a lot. I think how free they are and how simple life would be.

You wouldn’t dread traveling. You wouldn’t be scared to go to the theater, or an amusement park, or a road trip…

You could just get up and go without a care or concern in the world.

Life without handcuffs must be nice!

It’s such a burden to always be worried about bathrooms, being observed, overheard, can you go or can’t you?

I’d give anything to be able to walk up to a urinal with other guys talking, chatting, laughing, with a line of guys waiting and watching behind you, and pee.

Just empty my bladder like it’s the easiest chore there is.

I wish that was me!

It looks and seems so natural and carefree. The thought of fear and panic never enters their mind. It’s just unzip and pee. When you gotta go, you go. What’s the fuss?

I wonder what life would be and how different things would seem if Paruresis didn’t have a hold on me.

Would I be working somewhere else? Would I be promoted? Would I be the life of the party? Would I be different? Would I be more outgoing, open and admired?

I tend to think I’d be different. Seems logical. How could it not be?

I actually think I would be TOTALLY different!

To not have anxiety. To not let it consume me. To not be shy or withdrawn. To not let it ruin my life.

A life without Paruresis would be a huge sigh of relief.

Why Can’t I be that Person?

Why do these disorders pick and choose who they affect?

And why can’t you truly be cured of Paruresis?

If something triggered Paruresis to begin, why can’t it be undone?

Why is it a disease that haunts you til the day you die?

I want to be the person that doesn’t care where they pee, how they pee, or who sees them pee.

Here’s me peeing off the porch! No problem!

I want that Freedom!

It doesn’t seem fair does it?

I want to pee too!

I think I need help. Help to live.

A life without Paruresis would be like waking up from a terrible nightmare.

Is there hope?

Is there a cure?

A light at the end of the tunnel?

All I see is darkness, despair and heartache.

It makes me depressed.

Just one wish is all I want.

To feel normal.

To embrace the world and not hold back.

To see what freedom really means.

If only for one day!

One day of peace.

One day to pee free!

One day!

I wish!

Back in February I went on my 4th Vacation to Hawaii (Maui). My plan is to one day live there. I love it…

Well, this last trip filled me with a fear that I had never known before. The second I entered this new Condo it overwhelmed me. I can’t believe I made it out alive.

You see, me and 5 other of my best friends all decided to rent out this 3 Bedroom, 3 Bathroom Condo that sits right on the beach.

Each bedroom has 2 queen sized beds, plus they all had their own bathroom. It sounded like a dream come true. Until I stepped foot in the condo…

We had already decided who we were going to share rooms with, and I got Mike. Which is fine with me because Mike is the only person I have opened up to about Paruresis. He doesn’t get it, but he understands. He gives me a heads up about bathrooms in restaurants or public places… “You won’t like that bathroom” or “You can pee in there“. It tends to help. A lot!

But as soon as we get there, people scatter. Two of my friends go to the front, two go to the back, and all claim their rooms. Me and Mike end up with the room in the center of the condo.

Doesn’t sound like a biggie, but it is.

It’s directly across from the open Kitchen!

Just 5 feet away…

The thing that I first notice is that the bathroom has two doors. One in the hallway, the opposite one leading into the bedroom. My anxiety raises. You have to walk through the bathroom to get to the bedroom, and it’s so close to the kitchen and hall that anybody can hear you.

It is in the center of the condo after all. High traffic area!

Within minutes of stepping into the condo, I need to do one thing: PEE!

I’ve gone 6 hours without peeing (Airport & Flight) and I need to go, and I need to go NOW!

I step into the bathroom and close the door. It’s a wobbly wicker door with wooden slats that doesn’t close very well.

I have to push it hard a couple of times and the bolt barely catches. I’m sure that everyone is now aware that I’m in the bathroom. Thanks for drawing attention!

I close the door and freeze. I can see people walking by through the cracks in the slats… AND…

There is NO lock on the Door!

OH NO! Are you kidding me?

I stand there for minutes not knowing what to do.

Anyone could just walk right in on me taking a pee. They could probably just accidentally bump the door and it would open.

And who knows where Mike is, he may bolt in and throw the door wide open.

SHIT!

I take some deep, deep breaths. I can hear everyone in the kitchen now just feet away. They’re checking out the cupboards and fridge and deciding what they need to buy. Doors are opening and closing loudly. I feel unnerved!

I finally walk over to the toilet and lift the lid.

It’s a small bowl with very little room on the sides to pee. For the last year I’ve been peeing directly in the water making noises, but now I feel like peeing on the side to quiet my fear.

But there is no room on the side. I’ll have to make noise and I’m sure it will be noticeable.

I close my eyes and try not to think about my friends. I can hear them opening up doors in the condo and saying “What’s in here?” It makes my heart race.

I hear one of them saying “I wonder where the Washer and Dryer is?”

I glance at the door as I hear someone walking by. They are opening the door in the hall “I found the Water Heater”.

I hear them move from room to room, you can hear everything in this condo. “The website said there was a Washer in here!“

I glance at the door again and something catches my eye. Behind the door is a little closet. In the closet is the Washer and Dryer.

Great! My heart sinks!

This means that everyone and their brother will be coming and going in this bathroom all week. FUCK!

I finally start to pee. I pee as quietly as I can.

After what seemed like an eternity, I finally finish and flush (knowing I’ll probably have to go again in ten minutes).

I wash up, open the door and show everyone the Washer and Dryer.

Everyone’s happy.

Except me!

Mike goes in to pee after giving me a weird look like ‘What took you so long?‘

And then shortly later (he pees in seconds) we’re unpacking and settling in the bedroom.

I tell him there’s no lock on the door. He just looks at me and shrugs.

Why did I have to get stuck in the center bathroom? Everyone else is in a bedroom in the far corners of the condo. Their bathroom is behind their room and they have real doors and real privacy. Why me? I get the busy kitchen and the amenities. SIGH! How am I supposed to deal with this?

But you know what? It gets worse…

That night as we’re getting ready for bed, I go into the bathroom to pee. Some friends are still sitting around the kitchen bar drinking, and I shut the door saying “Goodnight” to them.

Then I go to the inner door and see that it’s a sliding door, held on by a rail at the top. The whole bottom swings free. It has no latch. No lock. And you can push the door in even when it’s closed. Not cool!

Mike is already stretched out on his bed. I see him watching me as I inspect the rolling door of doom. I close it and see that it leaves huge gaps all around the perimeter. And because the wind is blowing in the room, it pushes the bathroom door in so you can see inside. You can see the toilet and me with wide eyes and terror in my heart.

The gap must be at least 6″ or more.

I feel totally open and vulnerable.

I felt like Crying!

So much panic fills me. Neither door on this bathroom works or locks. There is zero privacy, and people are just feet away listening…

I seriously never thought I’d make it through one night, let alone ten days.

It was the worst nightmare of my life. The worst possible bathroom any Paruretic could use.

The only way I could use that bathroom was to awkwardly angle my body and prop my foot up against the door as I peed.

As if it wasn’t hard enough to pee.

Don’t ask me how I made it through the rest of the vacation. It was extremely trying.

All in all we did have a blast. We are in Hawaii after all. But when it came to bathroom time, that hit an all time low.

We had cook outs, bonfires, we watched the Turtles, we collected Sea Glass, we saw some beautiful Humpback Whales… And someone I got through it. I didn’t die. It was the longest vacation of my life though. One I’d rather not duplicate.

I know one thing, I would never, ever go back to that particular condo again.

Yes my friends did come and go in the laundry room, but I got lucky. No once in ten days did anyone ever walk in on me.

I also found out another thing…

I’m not the only one with bathroom problems.

After a long night of drinking, one of my other friends got up in the middle of the night to pee…

And peed in the sink!

LMAO!

Now why didn’t I think of that? ;)

It’s been a while since I’ve written, but it’s never left my mind.

Paruresis is always there!

I’ve had a lot of things happen in the last year, but curing Paruresis is not one of them.

I still have a difficult time peeing in public. Usually I don’t even try.

I’ll pee before I leave the house (usually twice or three times) knowing that it will be hours before I can finally pee again (in the safety of my own home).

It makes me anxious just thinking about it, but I don’t let it stop me from having fun.

I go to concerts, parties, plays, and even amusement parks, where I know I’ll have no choice but to face my fear and pee in a public bathroom.

As much as I tried the breath hold technique last year, I eventually gave up. I could never get it to work right and always felt like I was going to pass out and crack my skull on the toilet tank.

I also never ventured into the pee buddy thing either (still on my to-do-list).

It’s like I just rolled over and accepted the fact that I can’t change myself and I’m doomed to have Paruresis forever.

Like it or not!

I often wondered if it’s because I thought about the topic too much. When I started this blog I went full steam into my emotions and this crippling disorder. I read everything I could find. I joined the forums and groups and bought books and made friends…

I became more aware of Paruresis, what it is, what it does, and how many people it possibly affects.

And maybe, thinking so much about it, talking about it, writing about it, watching videos… Maybe it made me more aware and more anxious which just made my Shy Bladder even more extreme.

Who knows?

Maybe it back fired on me?

All I can say is that I did get discouraged when Breath Hold wouldn’t work for me.

I had FAILED!

AGAIN!

And all along the way I kept saying to myself “You need to write again”.

Just to get it out of your system.

There have been numerous times in the past year where Paruresis and my Bathroom Experiences would have made a great post (I will still eventually write them).

And while I may not be cured, nor ever could be… It does feel good to write about it again.

After all it touches me personally. And it touches my heart.

So I’m picking up my pen and starting back on this voyage with my sights on Paruresis.

It will help me in the long run. And if it helps someone else in the process, then it makes it all worth while.

I held my breath tonight in the bathroom for the first time in a year.

I held it as long as I could.

I almost peed!

ALMOST!

I ended up gasping for air… and then I peed. lol

But it’s something…

Right?

I get a text today. It’s from my good friend Kay. It says “Let’s to go P.F. Chang’s and a Movie tonight“.

Not allowing my Paruresis to handcuff me anymore than it does, I quickly text back “Sure“.

That’s when the anxiety sets in!

I just committed myself to an all night outing on the other side of town (45 minutes from home).

I try not to think about it, but already I’m thinking “Hopefully I can pee before the movie“.

I still have 4 hours left to work and 4 hours to think about when I’m going to pee, how I’m going to pee and if I’m going to pee.

I stand there for a moment thinking how cool it would be to just think about eating and enjoying the movie without being preoccupied about any bathroom visits.

Must be nice!

I meet Kay at the restaurant at 5:30. She says she wants to see the Hunger Games and it starts at 7:10.

No problem! I’ve heard a lot about the movie and it sounds like a good choice.

“It’s a 2 1/2 hour Movie” she says…

I feel my heart sink further…

“Great!” It’s already a LONGGGG Night, now it just got longer.

I feel my anxiety rise another level or two.

After we eat (I drink as little as possible), we head to the theater. I buy the tickets as she’s getting in line for popcorn. I (like always), tell her what to get me, give her some money, and bolt to the nearest bathroom. This is my only chance to pee before the show.

I wonder what she thinks because I always do this. She’s never brought it up before, but I’m sure she notices it.

I walk into the bathroom and quickly eye the stalls. There are 2 stalls and 2 urinals opposite them. The last stall door is closed all the way, so I grab the first one.

I step in, close the door behind me and carefully and quietly peer under the partition to see if someone is in the next stall. I can’t tell, but I think I’m alone.

And as I stand back up, I see my stall door is opening…

It didn’t close all the way, so if someone were to walk in right then and see me bent over in the stall, I would be mortified!

I lock the door and try to pee. And what’s funny is the fact that it doesn’t take me very long to start. I’m sure this is because I was alone in the bathroom, but not for long…

I start to pee, and as I’m peeing directly into the toilet bowl, I hear footsteps coming in…

There is no door to the john, just a really long hallway coming in.

Normally, this is the exact moment that my urine would shut off. My stream would freeze up as soon as someone entered…

Tonight, it hesitated, spurted, then resumed. I kept peeing!

How odd!!!

I didn’t pee full force, but I did manage to keep the flow going. I could hear the guy shuffling at the urinal behind me.

Then another guy enters. I hear movement on the other side of my stall…

I kept peeing slowly.

The guy enters the stall next to mine.

Great!

My pee stops for a second, then slowly keeps going…

The guy messes with his belt and I’m thinking “Oh NO, he’s taking a shit!“

But he just stood there and peed…

It ran through my mind that this might be another Paruretic. ???

I hear more movement in the bathroom. WTF?

I can’t tell if the one guy at the urinal was leaving, or another one was coming in.

I kept peeing.

It was coming out so slowly, but my bladder was getting empty, so I just stood there and waited.

I was bound and determined to stand there as long as I need to, to finish the job.

After all, it was a long movie…

I peed and peed and peed.

The guy in the stall next to me flushed and left.

More commotion outside and another guy entered the stall seconds later.

I was having a hard time keeping track of who was where.

I could hear more movement, a urinal flush, the spray of water in the sink, more footsteps…

The new guy in the stall next to me didn’t even close his stall door. He just started peeing like he had no care in the world.

I stood there for a little while longer after I finished, just to make sure I got it all out.

My anxiety tends to fool me into thinking I’m done, when it’s not.

Finally satisfied that I was done, I felt relieved and ready for the movie.

I was able to pee with all these guys coming and going.

Success! How awesome is that?

I flushed, zipped up and opened the stall door and what do I see?

A BATHROOM FULL OF GUYS!

There is one guy leaning and waiting outside of my stall. A line of guys is behind him, all watching, all waiting for a stall or urinal to open up.

Apparently I timed it just right, it seems like a movie just let out.

If this line would have been there as I approached the john, I would have never been able to go.

I got lucky!

I peed in a bathroom, under conditions that I normally wouldn’t have been able to pee under.

I was a happy camper

Peeing before the movie allowed me to enjoy the Hunger Games and to not dread my screaming bladder.

It may have taken me forever to pee (really only minutes), Kay was still up at the counter getting popcorn. I created a line in the Men’s Room, but hey, guess what? I peed in a bathroom with guys still in the room. I peed loudly in the toilet at the same time. With guys even in the stall directly next to me. And with someone leaning on my Stall door…

That’s huge progress for me!

I feel good about tonight, and the movie was excellent!

So all in all, I couldn’t have asked for a better outcome…

Other than paying $25 for 2 popcorns and 2 drinks! :)