Shy Bladder HQ

As many of you know if you’ve been reading my posts here, I have an extremely hard time stepping foot into a public bathroom.

My Paruresis kicks in and pretty much keeps me from entering them, no matter how bad I have to go.

Lately, I have been making huge efforts to reduce my fears and force myself to go to the bathroom when needed.

Tonight was no different.

I went to Office Max to look for a new office desk (large L shaped desk that sits nicely in a corner). While I’m looking around, I feel the urge to pee.

That sucked, because I was hitting one more store after this one, and then meeting up with some friends at a local diner… Which means, I wouldn’t be home for about 4 hours.

I decided not to wait that long, knowing that the longer I wait, the harder it is to pee. I didn’t dwell on it much, and just decided to head towards the bathroom now. Get it over with. What helped was the fact that Office Max wasn’t very busy, and my odds of being relatively alone was pretty darn good.

Maybe I could pee in peace?

I walk the store for a minute locating the restroom. I see it on the South wall and push on the Men’s Door.

My nervousness was pretty high. What would I find?

I was surprised because this was a bathroom that most Paruretics would dream of.

It was a single person bathroom with a lock on the door (and it was empty).

I have never seen a single user bathroom at any large retail store like this.

I loved it!

The funny thing about this bathroom was the fact that it had both a toilet and a urinal. How odd!

Now if the toilet were in a stall, it could have been a very tiny public bathroom… I’ve seen worse!

But the toilet was open and sitting at the end of the narrow room. No way would someone attempt to poop in there and leave the door open. LOL

I’m sure it’s probably happened before, how embarrassing. Can you imagine walking in on someone facing you while on the pot? HA!

I locked the door behind me and quickly did my deed…

I peed at the urinal!

This is one of the very few times in my entire life that I’ve ever peed at a urinal. I thoroughly enjoyed it!

I could have screamed…

“I’m Peeing in a Urinal!”

I had no problems peeing in that locked bathroom at all. It only took me seconds to get a stream going. And before I knew it, I was done, washed up and out the door.

I’ve shopped in that store hundreds of times before and I have never, EVER used their bathroom.

But guess what?

I no longer fear it.

This bathroom is safe!

I know where it is. I know what to expect. I know it’s friendly and the best part of it all…

It was also clean and neat!

BONUS!

So Thank You Office Max. You’ve finally made a bathroom that I can actually use in public.

You really did make my night.

Oh, and Yes, I’m buying the office desk! :)

I really thought that after my Dad died, my Paruresis Handcuffs would come off.

I’ve felt handcuffed by him my whole life.

I was Scared of him!

I was intimidated by him. Belittled by him. Beaten by him. Broken!!!

I really feel that much of the way I am today is because of him.

He made me very shy, timid, reserved. A guy who doesn’t like confrontation. I am an introvert. I prefer to be alone. I don’t like social events. I feel very awkward at them. It terrifies me being around so many people. I always feel like I’m being laughed at or made fun of.

I truly believe that once my Dad passed away I’d be free.

I was Wrong!

Nothing’s changed!

I’m still shy and timid and afraid to pee in front of others.

I’m still handcuffed by him, and you know what drives me crazy?

I still see him

I still see my father years after he died a horrible death (Lung Cancer).

I see him at the grocery store. I see him at the mall. I look up at the restaurant and there he is. Haunting me. His likeness is everywhere.

I turn the corner and see someone who looks just like him, and for an instance I panic and I think “That’s Dad!“… and my heart races…

But it’s NOT!

He’s Dead!

It’s only someone with a beard that looks like him. That’s all!

My handcuffs live on. Will I be bound to these contraptions my whole life?

Can’t I break out of this shell and finally get some back bone? (And some Sanity?)

Or will my father still yell at me?

I don’t ever remember Dad taking me to the restroom when I was little. Isn’t that odd?

Never once!

All I remember is the bad stuff. The stuff that makes me a Paruretic.

I remember getting yelled at and spanked. I remember him saying “Don’t Pee your Pants!“

I was not very old. But right away he taught me something that I can’t get rid of “Don’t Pee!“

Hold in your Urine

It’s humiliating to pee in public. He taught me that.

He taught me how to be a Paruretic.

It seems he taught me all too well.

I’ve worn these stupid handcuffs for over 30 years.

I only wish I had one last opportunity to ask him…

“Where’s the Key?“

After my Failed Attempt at Urinating in a restroom with another man present, I really took it to heart.

I thought I would do better, but then again, the more I thought about it, the more I understood where my fault lies…

I was moving too fast!

Jumping the Gun!

You see, a bathroom like that, in a movie theater, with someone in the stall next to mine, is actually number 5 on my list of Most Feared Bathrooms. That’s halfway up the ladder. How can I accomplish that if I haven’t accomplished 3 or 4 yet?

(1 and 2 I do on a daily basis)

So that’s two steps I was leaping over. Quite a jump I must say. No wonder why I failed!

But it really wasn’t a total failure after all. It was the first time I had been in a public restroom in over 3 months. That’s quite an accomplishment for me.

It takes a lot of courage just for me to make that move… head towards the john. That’s where my biggest fear begins.

And as I played this over and over in my mind the next day or so, I realized that I didn’t do too bad of a job. I mean, I did pee!

That should be a success in any Paruretic’s handbook.

So Friday night (just 6 days later), I find myself going out to eat at one of my favorite restaurants again, with a bunch of my closest friends. And who do I ride with? My best friend Mike. You know, the friend that I’ve been slowly talking about being my pee buddy…

“You want me to watch you pee?”

So we go out to eat. We have a good time. And then I feel the slight urge to pee. Uh-oh is my first response.

Now I know it’s going to bug me all night long. My bladder will start knocking “Let me pee!”

My friend Mike excuses himself to pee (easy for him).

I sit there for another half hour. Usually I would just sit there all night and ignore my screaming bladder. But tonight was different. I was saying to myself “Go to the Bathroom!” I was giving myself a pep talk.

“Just get up and go. Don’t think about it. Don’t wait until the urge gets too strong. Just go. Go now!”

And it didn’t stop…

“Get up. Go to the John. It’s no big deal. I know you’re scared to go, I know it’s a huge phobia and your fear has you paralyzed, but the only way you’re going to tackle that fear is to just do it”

I kept pushing myself…

“You already feel like a failure from Sunday. If you don’t at least try again tonight, you’ll have made zero progress and will never advance into your Paruresis Recovery!”

“GO TO THE BATHROOM!”
“Just get up and GO NOW…”

And guess what?

I did!

I excused myself (made Kay roll her eyes because she had to move), not daring to look at Mike (knowing he would know what I was doing and thinking… “He’s really going to pee?“)

I zig-zag my way around the tables, looking at people looking at me, and made my way towards the bathroom down the hall.

The entire kitchen staff was watching me pass as I headed to the john…

The tables next to the bathroom both looked at me…

They all know I’m going in…

I enter the restroom. No one is peeing. No one’s at the urinals. I can’t tell if anyone is in the stalls…

It’s hard to tell by looking under the stall doors… And I always feel awkward bending almost all the way down to peek… What if someone were to walk in and see me lurking…

The first 3 stalls were cracked open. It’s safe to say they were empty. But the last stall, the largest handicapped one, was closed. I may not be alone!

I carefully approach the stall and try to peek through the crack. I gently push on the door…

It opens. It was empty!

I entered, closed the door and latched it (it doesn’t latch very well, or very quiet).

I stand there at the toilet and try to pee.

And of course, seconds later, the bathroom door busts open loudly and someone enters…

UGH!

I try to go anyways. I can’t!

I try holding my breath.

I can’t. It just makes me want to gasp.

I listen at the visitor steps up to the urinal (behind my stall door). I listen the whole time as he urinates, sighs relief, washes his hands and goes.

All the while I can’t go. Just like in my last attempt and failure.

Only after he exits the room am I able to finally start peeing.

And I peed! And I peed!

And luckily no one else came in so I was able to actually finish (and not have to cut it off).

I wash my hands and go.

I always feel weird coming out of a bathroom. After being in there for what seemed like an eternity, 5 or 6 minutes, I’m always thinking people are talking, laughing, pointing…

“Guys went in after him, peed and left and he’s STILL IN THERE!!!!“

Things like that.

I know it’s silly and stupid. But that’s what I think.

I sat back at the table and enjoyed the rest of the night. At least I didn’t have to hold my urine in for another 2 hours.

After the night ended and we were driving home, I opened up to Mike and talked more about my bathroom experience and how I couldn’t pee until the guy left.

I’m sure it’s a conversation he’d rather not have. But I wanted to talk about it. He’s the only one who really knows…

I also brought up the pee buddy (I hate that name) again. I told him I wanted to start, but I don’t know how or when yet…

I just know I want to begin.

He said nothing!

I’m sure he’ll do it. I know he’ll try to help me, but I’m nervous about taking that first step.

I’m trying. I’ve made myself go into two bathrooms in less than one week. That’s a record for me.

Pee Buddy is next.

“You want me to watch you pee?“

“Yes!”

“Yes I do!“

I thought I was starting to get a handle on my Paruresis. I thought that I was learning breath holding. I thought that I was making progress and the future was bright.

I was wrong!

Tonight was the perfect example. I went to the movies with a friend. We saw “The Woman in Black“. It was a pretty good movie, made me jump in my seat quite a few times.

But before all that began, I had to use the bathroom. I did my normal routine of “You get the popcorn, I have to pee“.

It usually always works. I head to the theater restroom. And as I’m walking in, a little kid comes running out. I almost ran into him and knocked him over. “Watch where you’re going…“

I enter the public bathroom (which is a first in months for me). There are only two stalls in the room. One small corner stall (the one I always grab), and a larger handicapped stall.

And as soon as I walk in, I notice only one other person in the entire john…

And he’s in the corner stall taking a shit.

FUCK!

I froze up for a second, not knowing what to do. This is a bad, bad situation for me. The stalls are side by side…

I go into the handicapped stall and lock the door.

I decide I would try the breath holding technique and see where it gets me.

I’m watching the guys feet move. I’m hearing him clear his throat. He’s wiping his ass…

And all the while I’m just standing there trying to get my stream going and of course, I can’t!

I close my eyes. The bathroom is ultra quiet other than him stirring.

My heart is racing outta control. I tried to hold my breath multiple times but my anxiety is so high and so strong that I can’t hold it for very long.

The longest I can hold it is like 10 seconds…

I know it’s no use.

I stand there for 3 awkward minutes. Just us. The silence was killing me.

Finally the guy finishes, gets up, flushes, adjusts his pants and belt and leaves the stall.

I’m still standing real quiet, eyes closed, hoping he won’t look through the 1″ crack in the door…

He walks to the sink, washes his hands and leaves.

I’m alone at last!

Only then am I able to pee. I don’t go much, but I did go.

I kept expecting someone else to enter the bathroom, but no one else did.

Just me, going slowly, peeing tiny amounts at a time.

I finally stop, zip up, wash my hands and leave.

My friend was just finishing up at the counter. I hold my popcorn (extra butter), while he then goes in to the bathroom and pees (he’s fast, 2 seconds and boom, he’s done).

And as I’m standing there waiting with my back up against the wall, I look across from me and notice a guy sitting on a bench. He’s reading a brochure. And as I glance at him, I look down and notice his shoes…

He’s the crapper!

And as I look back up, he’s staring directly at me…

It was a look of “I know you! I couldn’t finish pooping, because you couldn’t finish peeing!”

Weird stuff runs through my head.

I’m crazy!

So YES, tonight was a failure in the fact that I couldn’t pee in the bathroom with another guy, and it was also a failure because I was so anxious that my breath hold wouldn’t work…

But then again, it was a success because I DID pee!

Only because I was alone though… But I peed!

And that’s the most important thing to me.

Isn’t it?

Failure or Success?

You decide!

In all the books that I have read so far (on the right), they all talk about making a list of bathroom situations that you fear from 0-10 (or more). It’s not the easiest thing to put your phobia in order. But I tried…

Below is my list

I only made one that goes 0-10 (0 is the least feared, where 10 is the most feared). It was a very interesting experience ranking these, since most bathroom experiences are fearful to me. I have a hard time even stepping foot in a public bathroom…

My 0 starts out with the best situation, one where I have no fear whatsoever…

0) Bathroom at Home

My Bathroom at Home is my safe haven. When I’m alone, by myself I have no problems peeing. No anxiety. I can pee with no pressure.

1) Bathroom at Home, People Present

When I’m at home, and guests are over (get together, party). Things get a bit more difficult. I can go, but I usually head towards the bathroom at the other end of the house (one that guests won’t be using). Just so they won’t be able to hear me, or see me as I enter and leave the john.

2) Single Locked Public Bathroom

A Single Locked Public Bathroom is the next best scenario (like the bathroom at my work). I can usually go with no problems…

As long as there are no people directly on the other side of the door. Working, talking, laughing… If they are right on the other side, and I can hear them, then I know they can probably hear me too. This makes it more difficult to go, but I still normally can.

Single Locked Bathrooms that have a large gap under the door (my work bathroom has 1 1/2″ gap), or ones where the trim or molding is loose and there is a faint gap around the door frame, makes it much more difficult to go. Especially if other people are present outside (and especially if those people are strangers).

3) Large, Loud, Public Bathroom, Plenty of Empty Stalls

If the restroom is a large one, with music playing, plenty of urinals and empty stalls, and very little (or no) foot traffic, I can usually pee within a couple of minutes.

The loud music, or noise (sinks, dryers) helps drown out the sound of my peeing and masks other guys as well. White noise!

If I have little worry about someone coming in and using the stall next to mine (I always try for a corner stall), then I can go. It may take me a couple of minutes, but I can go.

4) Medium Bathroom, Steady Traffic, Empty Stalls

If the bathroom is a medium sized bathroom, with just a couple (2-3) empty stalls, and steady traffic, things get much harder to go. Especially if the bathroom is a quiet one.

The odds increase with the less stalls that someone will come in and use one… I know I have to pee quick and get out. My anxiety starts to rise every second longer it takes me to pee.

5) Medium Bathroom, Busy, Stalls half Empty

With a medium sized busy bathroom, with half the stalls filled, anxiety increases. I have to pick a stall that isn’t used and hopefully get one that isn’t surrounded by other guys in other stalls (almost impossible).

When I can stand there and hear them in the stalls down the line, shuffling around, making noise, doing their business, I feel myself locking down. If music is playing, it really helps to distract my attention. But if the bathroom is also quiet, then everything is escalated. I can almost hear my heart beat.

6) Medium Bathroom, Busy, Quiet, One Stall Open

This is very difficult for me. If the bathroom is a medium sized bathroom with lots of commotion and traffic, with no music playing, and every stall filled but one, I find it very difficult to go. My fear gets out of control.

I normally have to wait in the stall until one of the stalls next to me leaves… With both stalls next to me filled, and both taking a crap, where I can see their feet moving just inches from my stall… It’s almost a no go.

This type of situation could take me up to ten minutes or more to go. My heart will race heavily. My bladder will lock up. My only saving grace is if one or both of the guys goes quickly and leaves and it gives me enough time to pee.

7) Intermission at a Theater or Play

Those 15 minute Intermissions at Plays or Musicals are horrible. 15 minutes, with a small bathroom, and 1500 guys wanting to pee. And what makes this a very scary scene is the long line of guys out the mens room door.

When a line forms and it gets really long down the hall, they always hold the bathroom door open. Now everyone within eye sight can see into the john and see guys peeing at the urinals, and see their feet under the stalls.

They are all watching, judging.

It gets really bad when it’s close to your turn… You never know if you’ll get a urinal or a stall. Usually my odds are not good. I always have to tell guys behind me to go first…

I HATE THIS!

I have to wait for a stinky stall. I’ve never peed at a urinal and never could under these circumstances.

8) Airport Bathrooms

Airport Bathrooms are such a fear of mine. Huge, huge traffic. They are loud, noisy, moving fast and very stressful. Plus, the anxiety of flying doesn’t help the matter.

Everything is on a time limit! Gates are closing… People are coming and going in the stalls next to mine. Doors are slamming, startling me. The auto-flush goes off at random times making me jump. Guys are taking smelly dumps (Airplane food) right next to me. They are tapping their feet…

The Janitor is moping the floors, his mop is going under the stall doors… UGH!

BIG NIGHTMARE!

I hate the Airports (but I do love to fly).

9) Concerts, Arenas, Sporting Event Bathrooms

Thousands of guys flooding the bathrooms endlessly. No peace and quiet. It’s noisy. Guys are loudly talking. Some are drunk and staggering. The stall doors are gapped apart or broken. The toilets are plugged and overflowing with paper and God knows what. Some are arguing about the score or the team…

It’s extremely difficult for me to even step foot in one of these bathrooms. They are always dirty and wet. I don’t want to look at anything or touch anything. These types of bathrooms could lock me up forever. I usually can never go. Never!

10) Bathrooms with No Stalls!

A bathroom that has no stalls (or where the stall is out of commission) is an impossible mission for me. When I walk in and see nothing but urinals or troughs, I CAN’T GO. I can’t even attempt to go. I stand there horrified, and am ashamed of having to turn around and bolt back out the door with a screaming bladder. There is no way…

Urinals are totally foreign to me and I can’t ever recall in my life using them. Ever!

Urinals are my Ultimate Nightmare!

So there you have it. My ranking from least to most feared. I guess the way to concur these fears is to take them one gradual step at a time and build up. I’m already doing steps 0 – 2 now. I do these just about everyday. So step 3 is where I really need to begin.

Step 3 is the first step: A Large, Loud, Public Bathroom with Plenty of Empty Stalls and very little traffic! I can do that! I know I can…

Now all I got to do is find this bathroom…

One bathroom at a time!

I love it when I’m reading a good book and the words just strike a tender nerve.

You know what I’m talking about. It’s the shot of adrenaline. The light bulb going off in your head. That “AH-HA” moment! Sometimes it’s a slap in the face, or a jolt that makes you sit up and take notice. You re-read the lines and the words over and over again. Soaking it all in. Living in the meaning…

This book that I’m reading “Bathrooms Make Me Nervous” by Carol Olmert did just that. It was a huge wake up call.

I thank Carol for that.

Chapter Nine, titled “Treatment of Paruresis” talks about both Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Gradual Exposure Therapy (GET – Desensitization).

Page 83-84 is what struck a nerve.

Step 6 in the Gradual Exposure Section talks about deciding how often you need to practice (with a partner getting incrementally closer and closer).

It says to practice several times a week, but then goes on to say, and I’ll quote:

“The real answer to the question “How much should I practice?” is “How soon do you want to recover?“

That line hit me like a ton of bricks.

I read that line 2 days ago and I haven’t been the same since. I’ve been stuck on that phrase “How soon do you want to recover?“. It has all the meaning in the world to me. I’m still turning it over in my head.

I’ve put off doing Gradual Exposure because I’m scared to begin. I’m scared of going there.

To go there is to open myself up and to face my greatest fears… Urinating in front of people.

It’s not only made my heart race for 2 days, but it’s really pushing on my mental boundaries. I can feel it.

It’s pushing my mind, body and soul to the point of acceptance and saying “Okay, let’s begin!“

That’s a scary thought!

But it’s true. I must take a stand. Face the music.

I can take all the time I want to begin and practice… To get up the courage and determination, but the longer I put it off, the longer I dawdle, the longer it’s going to take to recover.

Do you want to recover NOW? Or do you want to recover in 20 years?

It’s up to you! Your choice!

It’s like dieting. You always say to yourself “I’ll start Tomorrow!” But Tomorrow never comes. In the meantime you eat like a pig and it just makes matters worse. You’re going in reverse!

Why procrastinate? Why not start TODAY!

Why?

Because it’s tough! It’s a huge challenge that will require the utmost enormous backbone and dedication. Putting one leg in front of the other is the only way to recover.

How long do I want it to take?

As little time as possible!

I’d like to be cured Today! Wouldn’t that be wonderful? Realistically, that’s not going to happen. But one day it will. I do believe that. And it all starts with that very first step.

Everything has a start and a finish. To get there, you only have to begin. Head in the right direction and never look back. Stick with it, keep moving forward. Keep your head up. Little by little it will happen.

Ultimately it doesn’t really matter how long it takes, as long as it works and you succeed in the end!

I’ve put a lot of effort in the last few days of my breath holding practice. So much so, that I feel like I’m actually learning it and it’s working. I can feel it happening. I do feel like progress is being made and I’m happy for that. Happy and excited!

But I also feel that the next battle has yet to begin. Battling my fears of the bathrooms, urinals, and urinating in the presence of people.

Gradual Exposure will help cure that…

Or at least help me get a handle on it.

I wanted to cure myself without a pee buddy. But I think now that one is quite necessary.

I need to ask my friend for help (remember him?) “You want me to watch you pee?“.

I’m nervous and anxious, but Carol’s book has given me a drive behind my purpose. It’s weighing heavily on me.

Do it. Do it. Do it!

Within the next couple of days I’m going to take that plunge. I’m going to ask my friend to be my pee buddy.

Just thinking about this makes my heart beat faster. That’s a good thing though. It means I’m manning up. I’m scared but facing reality.

I want to recover!

I want it bad.

Wish me luck!

I’m ready for the next chapter to begin. :)

Animals have got it lucky. They can pee and poop in front of anybody or anything.

Doesn’t matter how many people are watching either. It could be your Graduation Party with 300 Guests gathered around and your Dog would cop a squat and drop a log right there. Right on Aunt May’s Shoe! No problems or shyness in the least.

It doesn’t matter if they’re constipated. Doesn’t matter if it’s the hershy squirts. When they’ve gotta go, they go.

You see videos all the time on YouTube about some Panda peeing on another Panda’s head.

It doesn’t phase them.

Some Elephant drops a huge bowling ball. Some Horse pees while getting petted…

A Monkey drinks his own pee and it’s the funniest thing you ever saw…

Animals have no problems going whenever, where ever nature calls.

Why does Paruresis only affect humans?

After all, we are nothing but animals!

And you can’t even say it’s because we’re social animals either. So are Dolphins. So are Apes. So are Lions…

But no matter, they pee without thinking. That’s what animals do.

Not us!

Why?

Because we’re logical? Rational? Embarrassed by such behaviors? Is it because we are the only creatures that try to hide our genitals? Wrap it up? Put a leaf on it?

It really is a learned behavior. We learned to not talk about our privates. Things like that are taboo. You keep it to yourself. TMI

You get punished if such things are displayed. Made fun of. Humiliated. Sent to jail if you break the code of conduct.

You must pee behind closed doors. Out of sight. Out of mind.

I Envy Animals!

They will walk around with poop stuck to their fur and never bat an eye.

Monkeys will play with themselves and fling turds at passing people.

Dogs sniff each other’s butts.

Fish swim around with a tail of do-do…

They survive on the basics. You eat, you sleep, you poop…

But yet we’re embarrassed and we can’t even fart in public. What gives? How did we get so different from the rest of the animals?

“They’ll hear me Pee!”

It really is crazy how far we’ve come as a species. And yet the natural urge to pee is blocked by our own inhibitions.

Can you imagine if you went to the Zoo and the Zoo Keepers made everyone turn around just so the Zebras could pee?

“Don’t Watch Me!”

I think as a society we’d be shocked. Animals can’t be pee shy. It would make no sense.

But we can!

We can be blocked from urinating for hours upon hours…

Even if no one is watching. Just the fact that someone COULD be watching. That’s what gets me.

We make up so many crazy scenarios… When in reality, all we want to do is lift our leg and pee like a dog.

In my next life, I wanna come back as Fido.

Fire Hydrant here I come! :)

Here’s something you don’t hear everyday “I’m Embarrassed by my Dick!“

Now I know what you’re thinking “Poor Richard has a Small Penis” (micro-penis).

But that’s not the case at all. My dick is actually above average in size.

So my embarrassment doesn’t come from my penis size, or even from my penis width (It’s not a pencil dick).

The truth is…

I’m embarrassed by my foreskin!

Out of all things to be embarrassed by, I’m embarrassed by my natural uncut penis.

Is that crazy or what?

In high school I was the only one I knew who wasn’t circumcised. Kids would tease me “It looks like an Elephant Trunk“.

It made me reserved about showing my dick. I would hide myself behind a towel, and try not to take showers until everyone else was done.

Being different in school is not an easy thing.

Now that I’m older, I know there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Most of the World is uncut. It’s just the way we’re born.

I’ve got no problems with it now, and in fact, I rather like it. I haven’t had a complaint yet.

But I do wonder if that childhood mocking had anything to do with my fear of bathrooms and urinals… Where everything is exposed.

Am I embarrassed to pull out an uncircumcised penis? Will I be teased?

I only think this because I’ve read in the books and from the IPA forums, that penis size can contribute to pee shyness.

You want to cover it up. Hide it.

I wonder if foreskin has the same effect?

Would that cause enough humiliation to give me a nervous bladder for life?

Doesn’t seem possible!

But I don’t know. Like I’ve said before, I don’t know when this shyness started. I don’t know what the trigger is.

It could be my extra skin. I’m just grasping at straws…

…and doing a lot of talking and rambling in the meantime…

Anybody else think it may be linked to your hood?

Would I feel weird whipping it out and showing it off to strangers? Hell Yes!

But I don’t think it has anything to do with my skin…

Only my nerves!

What do you think?

I’ve really been doing a lot of reading, writing and thinking about Paruresis lately (I’ve picked up 4 more books, but this time on Social Phobias, Social Anxiety, Shyness and Nervousness).

I’m trying to dissect it and see where it all began and why. My attempts have failed. There are way too many starting points, and any one of them could have lit the fuse.

But one thing about the entire situation bugs me. They say Paruresis is a Social Phobia. I can understand that. I’m scared of peeing in public…

But even though these are the facts, it still doesn’t make much sense to me.

I don’t feel like I have a problem being Social.

How can I fear people and what people think, and still have no problems getting up in front of them, speaking, acting, or even singing?

I had to hold meetings and instruct and teach people how to sell before…

I even at one time in my life went door to door and sold water purifiers. Cold Calling isn’t the easiest thing to accomplish.

Going back, I had great desires as a kid to be a Magician. I would regularly put on Magic Shows for parties. That turned into paying jobs for Businesses and even my School. I would do Magic, Juggle Fire and even do Escape Tricks (Where’s the Straight Jacket now?).

I was in all the class plays and had the lead in several High School performances.

I even had a semester of Choir and sang in front of 300 people before…

What I’m trying to say is, how can I do all of this, but yet shy away when it comes to the bathroom and urinating?

If Paruresis is so Social, why aren’t other areas of my life affected?

Why limit my Shyness to only Peeing?

It just goes to show me that my Phobia, my fear, really is all about the bathroom and the act of going to the bathroom. This is the root of my problem. What happened to me???

It really must be the humiliation of standing in a corner as a kid with my pants down and a room full of girls laughing at my bare naked behind.

I’ll never forget that. I wish I could!

It’s either that, or possibly the Swirley I got in the 7th Grade… Who knows?

What’s funnier is the fact that I don’t remember ever peeing in High School. Not once… Ever!

I don’t even remember going into the bathrooms.

Is that even possible?

How could I not remember?

Did I not go?

Have I really been avoiding them since I was a small boy?

Granted I don’t remember much from when I was a kid… I have blocked it all away!

Maybe I need a shrink to open up my past and let it all come tumbling out?

I’m almost scared of what I’d find.

You block things out for a reason!

How could I not remember peeing in High School? Doesn’t make much sense. Did I hold it all day?

Have I really been a Paruretic all of my life? Ever since I can recall?

Maybe I should just start singing on the way to the bathroom? Or juggling?

I could juggle my balls… lol Would that help matters?

Peeing really does put me in a corner, doesn’t it?

So, how do I get out?

Is there a way out?

How do you overcome your Pee Shyness when you don’t even know why you’re shy to begin with?

This condition is a Social Phobia that makes me feel Anti-Social.

It’s a curtain call I wish I’d never taken. An act called Stage Fright.

Where’s my cue?

I really should try to pee as soon as the urge comes to me.

I’d probably be able to go better if it wasn’t for my fear and anxiety of actually walking into a public bathroom.

But instead I sit there. Where ever I am. At a restaurant, a play, a ball game… and I hold in my urine for hours.

How stupid am I?

I have to be doing Internal Damage!

And when I’m finally in a spot where I can pee (at home, or a quiet bathroom, or a locked facility), it seems to take forever to begin the flow.

The longer I hold my pee, the harder it gets to pee.

I can get home after a night out on the town, and I get in the safety of my own private bathroom, and I’ll stand there at the toilet for minutes (sometimes 5 minutes) before I’m finally able to go.

LONG MINUTES!!!

You’d think after holding it in for hours it would just explode out in seconds. No way! Even being safe!

I’ll be standing there saying to myself “Okay, I’m home now. It’s safe to pee…“

It’s like I have up such a mountain block that nothing’s getting through. The dam is closed!

And finally when I do start to pee, it’s just a little pee. A little off the top. I go, and then it stops again for a while (baby footsteps). I stand there saying “Pee Pee Pee“.

I don’t know what my subconscious is doing or why my body does this, but after a couple of more minutes I’ll slowly start to pee again. It starts slow and careful, and gently builds up into a real stream. I’m Peeing for real. This is when I can finally pee and finally empty my bladder.

Relief at last!

If it’s been a long night of holding in my urine, I’ll have to pee, and pee, over and over again for the next hour or so. It’s like my bladder keeps refilling every 15 minutes or so. I’ll be back in the bathroom for quite a while.

It gets very annoying if I’m trying to watch a movie.

Maybe I have a second bladder that empties out into the first? ;)

I don’t know, but I do find it rather odd and disturbing.

I get like that at a restaurant when my bladder is screaming it’s fool head off.

Every once in a while I’ll get to the point where I have no choice but to try to go. I get in to the restroom, get in the stall and stand there waiting for my heart to slow down… my senses are overloaded.

I feel like I’ll piss my pants, but when I stand there trying to pee… I get Nothing!

I’ll finally go a little squirt knowing that’s not the real pee. There’s gallons more… if I could only wait it out.

It’s a real problem, because I’d have to be in there for like 1/2 hour and everyone would come looking for me thinking I died in there (Like Elvis).

It’s a little tinkle, and then I stand there still full and wanting to go. GO GO GO!! I know if I leave the bathroom, I won’t be back. Once is tough enough.

But this initial pee is insane. When’s the second flood coming? How long do I have to stand here?

And what’s funny is I know even if I do finally pee, I’ll have to pee again in 20 minutes. See what I started?

It’s not Worth it to Hold in your Pee!

It makes everything more difficult. It makes my anxiety sky rocket. My Paruresis freeze up. My body shut down.

It leaves me standing there with my dick in my hand saying “Just GO!” “Please GO!” I’m begging myself to go.

NO GO!

It’s like I mentally tell my body to cease operation and to hold it in and never let it go.

And of course it obeys!

No coaxing is going to override my system. Nothing is going to hit that flow button.

I’m Doomed!

Maybe the trick is to just try to go upon the first slightest urge to pee?

Pee before it builds up.

Would I be able to go then?

Would it make matters worse?

I think I may have to test this theory out…

As soon as I can find the courage to muster up the words to say “Excuse me, I need to use the bathroom!“

It wouldn’t hurt to try.

First urge.

Try to pee.

It could work?

Maybe?