Shy Bladder HQ

I’m talking to my Sister the other day. She’s telling me about the mall and when she went shopping with her husband.

She says “He got mad at me because I was in the bathroom so long“.

Wanting to tease her, I say “Why were you in the bathroom so long, were you constipated?”

She laughs “No, I had a hard time peeing because the bathroom was so busy”.

I took a step back “You can’t pee if the bathroom is busy?” Bells were ringing in my head. It reminded me of me… Which I’ve never talked to her about.

“Sometimes it takes me forever to go, especially if someone’s in the next stall” She pauses “I feel like they’re listening to me“.

I’m really besides myself. I ask:

“Are you Pee Shy?”

“I guess so” she says “I always have a hard time going if it’s too busy or too quiet”.

WOW!!! This is a crazy coincidence.

Me and my Sister have always been close. She’s 2 years older than me and we share the same sense of humor and personality. We can usually chat about anything.

I decide to open up myself “I have a hard time peeing in public bathrooms as well.” I take a second to compose my thoughts, she was silent. “I’ve been like that for as long as I can remember…”

“Same here, I don’t know why either…”

I think I do!

I really think it stems from our abusive parents. Granted I don’t feel like Dad was abusive to her (I never saw him hit her), but we did grow up in the same household under the same circumstances. I’m sure it rubbed off.

It may not have affected her as much as me, but I believe it’s from our childhood. The past that I’ve pretty much blocked out.

It’s either that, or maybe Paruresis is hereditary?

I’ll never be able to find out from Dad if he had a nervous bladder (because he died), so it will always remain a great big question mark.

Is Paruresis Hereditary?

Is pee shyness something you pass down in your Genes? (I don’t speak to my Mom, so I can’t ask her).

I don’t know if there’s ever been an official study on this, but it would be interesting to find out.

My guess is that it’s NOT hereditary. But I do believe your upbringing can affect both brothers and sisters the same way. Seems logical to me. We could both have shy bladders because of it. After all, we both do have shy bladders!

What are the odds of that?

I didn’t go in deeper with the conversation with her. I didn’t tell her about my blog here or my issues and how deep they really go. She’d think I was mental.

Right now it’s just a coincidence that we share. Something that seems more like an annoyance to her, but a massive problem to me.

I’m fine with that. It seems odd talking to her about that anyway. It seems odd talking about Paruresis to anyone (let alone a Woman). That’s why I love this blog. It lets me vent. Get it all out for everyone to see.

I’m sure there are tons like me who are in hiding and won’t admit it to anyone.

It’s not something you blurt out over Dinner “Oh, by the way, I can’t pee in front of other Men“…

Can you imagine the looks over mashed potatoes and gravy?

My Sister’s Pee Shy!

I don’t know what to do with that information…

But at least now I know!

The first step into any bathroom is the hardest. Literally, opening the bathroom door to a public restroom and not knowing what you’ll find is quite terrifying.

I hate that moment!

You don’t know if the bathroom is small, whether it’s large, you don’t know the layout of the restroom, where the urinals are at, how many stalls there are… You don’t know whether to turn right, left…

You have to walk in, pause a second to see where everything is.

You never know if the bathroom will be full, guys coming or going (making uncomfortable eye contact). Are the stalls full? Who’s watching you?

It’s impossible not to watch people as they enter, there’s a huge mirror on the wall. Everyone sees everyone else.

Everyone is seeing you as you enter wide-eyed (deer in headlights) and panicking.

They’re watching as you look past the free urinals to the stalls (one of those guys).

I move in cautiously trying to be invisible. Trying to see if the stalls are empty or full without having to bend over and peek at their feet as I walk by (being way too obvious).

I carefully peek through the cracks in the stalls to see if they are empty. Sometimes you just can’t tell.

My Mind is Screaming for Concealment

Get in and HIDE!

I push on the doors slightly to see if they are closed or open. Sometimes guys don’t lock them and the doors push open… NOT COOL! Sorry Dude!!! Even more embarrassing!!!!

I hate having to locate the free stall, if there is one.

Can’t they put signs on the doors that read “Taken“. That way you could tell at a glance if it’s being used or not.

It’s such a simple thing, but to a Paruretic, it adds to the ever rising anxiety.

Even walking up to the bathroom is a huge ordeal. My heart races out of control.

And for me to actually venture to the bathroom, I know I have to pee and pee bad. Dying to pee!

Bathrooms that I’ve already been in aren’t as bad…

I at least know where to go and where the safest stall is at.

There’s nothing worse than heading into a bathroom with most of the stalls filled. When guys are taking a dump on either side of you, it takes every ounce in my soul to even enter the stall between them. I feel like they’re listening to me through the partitions.

They know I can’t pee. They are just inches away hearing my every breath. They can see my feet pointed in the wrong direction. They know I’m just standing there not peeing. What am I doing then? Do they think I’m a perv? It’s so awkward, so embarrassing.

Public bathrooms are such a nightmare to me.

Here’s an example…

This one restaurant I go to (one of my favorite restaurants), has a bathroom in the very back corner. All of a sudden, every person in the entire restaurant knows I’m going to the john…

The bathroom opens up into a very narrow bathroom. A strip large enough for one sink (with a guy washing his hands), and beyond him there were two urinals on the wall (tightly together), and beyond that was one narrow stall. All within ten feet of each other.

Crammed Quarters!

Sardines!

And of course, the one time I enter, there’s the one guy washing his hands, and some other guy taking a poo in the stall.

FUCK!

The guy washing his hands looks up in the mirror at me as I pass around him. I’m being scrutinized…

I quickly see my choices are 1) urinal, and 2) urinal.

Either way I’m screwed!

The guy in the stall is too quiet, his feet are within inches of the 2nd urinal. The guy washing his hands is still washing his fucking hands.

I’m frozen in my tracks for a second looking at the horrific urinals knowing I’ll never be able to go…

I go up to the first Urinal and pretend to pee…

The guy washing, finally starts drying his hands. He’s partially hidden by a wall… out of sight!

But, he’s taking forever to leave and it’s driving me crazy. Just leave so I can go…

I step up to the urinal, undo my zipper, and as I do this I hear the bathroom door open…

????

I almost felt like fainting. The bathroom door opening can only mean 2 things:

1) The guy just left

2) Someone else just came in!

I held my breath for the longest time and waited

The guy in the stall shifted… I could see his foot angle out even more… inching closer…

If it was someone new coming in, he’d be coming up right next to me at the urinal (elbow to elbow)… or he’d be standing directly behind me waiting for me to finish (nice guy).

I’m still screwed!

I almost panic!

I stood still and listened as the dryer finally stopped… I closed my eyes. It was WAYYYY too quiet!

I was wondering if the guy in the stall was eyeing me through the cracks in the stall. Trying to see what was going on. Peering at me. Watching me stand there and not being able to go…

I heard no footsteps. No sound. No sink… Nothing!

The guy washing his hands must have left.

Thank God!

I quickly left too. Washed my hands and left the guy taking a dump behind.

I got lucky!

This time!

But I still had to hold in my pee for another hour or so (not so lucky). I had to go back to the table flushed, feeling like everyone knew I couldn’t pee… Was the guy washing his hands watching me still?

I’ve never stepped foot back into that bathroom ever again. You’ll never know what you’ll find once you push that restroom door open…

Pandora’s Box!

Some doors for a Paruretic should never be opened…

I love watching movies on the big screen. LOVE IT!

Eating a huge tub of buttery popcorn and guzzling down a Cherry Slush while seeing the latest Epic Adventure Movie is pure bliss to me.

The Bathrooms are not!

The bathrooms at my local Movie Theater are clean and bright. I give them credit for that. But they are also very silent. No music playing whatsoever.

I’m sure it’s because the theater is just on the other side of the wall, you wouldn’t want interference with the soundtrack… But silence sucks!

Silent bathrooms make going pee harder for any Paruretic.

Every little sound… Footsteps, Peeing, Farting, Pooping is heard loud and clear.

It’s like you’re on Display!

Plus, the bathrooms always have a steady flow of guys coming and going. And when a Movie just lets out, suddenly there are 100 guys are all crammed into that little john, using the urinals, toilets, sinks… it’s claustrophobia hell! During times like this, peeing is impossible.

I’ll be the guy who has to wait outside until the last straggler has left the restroom before I ramble in, locate the farthest stall and pee in solitude.

But then, that’s about the time for the employees to enter the bathroom to clean it.

I can’t Fucking Pee at the Movies!

Unless I excuse myself halfway into the show (excuse me, pardon me, sorry…) just to pee when it’s relatively safe.

Sometimes I can pee before a movie. I usually go to the bathroom at the other end of the building. The one where the movie has already started, or a movie isn’t even playing (I’m wandering all over the place).

That way I’ll not be disturbed or walked in on.

One of the worst parts for me, is when my friends are waiting. I hate that. Usually I ditch them at the concession stand. Tell them my order while they’re in line while I bolt to the john before they get the food and find me.

This usually works well, except sometimes the hyper time limit makes it harder to go. I FORCE myself, which just makes things difficult.

Tick Tock Tick Tock!

The room is so Silent.

Sometimes I’m only able to pee a little. Dribble in the toilet. I loath those times. It just means that I’ll have to hold my pee for hours, with a screaming bladder, until I finally get home. FUCK!

And if it’s a 3 hour movie (I’m looking at you Avatar), then I know I’m in for a massive amount of discomfort.

Damn Paruresis!

After the movie, I’ll sadly wait outside the bathrooms (massive herd) as my friends all go in and do their business.

“I don’t have to go” I say.

I lie.

I have to go the most!

They all want to hang out in front of the theater and chat about the flick. I want to go home.

I smile and nod and throw in my 2 cents, but all the while I’m looking at the exit door and eyeing my watch. My bladder feels like it’s going to explode.

“Great Movie…” Would have been better without my huge distraction.

I still go to the movies. I love the movies. Who can pass up popcorn?

I envy everyone else that can pee though.

Something as simple as wizzing can make a night at the movies wonderful.

All I want to do is pee and watch an awesome car chase.

Is that too much to ask?

I’m a Paruretic who’s been practicing the Breath Hold Technique for a couple of weeks now.

I’ve been testing this at home in the safety and comfort of my own bathroom.

I have to admit, that I’m not all that consistent in my training efforts. I figure if I have to go already, and I have no problems going at home, then why hold my breath?

There’s nothing at home that would give me any anxiety that would keep me from peeing. So it almost seems like a waste of time to try.

Regardless of my ill thinking, I have still tried and I am still continuing the Breath Hold Method.

I stand at the toilet, feet apart, exhale about 80% of the air in my lungs, relax, trying not to struggle or gasp, just concentrating on my bladder and groin area, thinking about going…

Sometimes I hold my breath so long I feel like I’m about to pass out. I actually hold onto the wall for support in case I do… Not that it would matter much, once you pass out you’re on the floor anyway…

It Works???

A couple of times I actually did pee during my practice sessions.

I don’t know if it’s because I held my breath, or if it’s just because I had to go anyway, but I did go.

I would say at least 5 or 6 times now I’ve been able to go with breath hold. Coincidence? Maybe. I’m still trying to figure this whole thing out.

I am getting better at relaxing while holding my breath. I’m getting better at thinking about peeing and trying to open up the flood gates. I feel like I’m close. I still can’t tell if it really works or not, but I’m close to finding out.

I can Feel it

Sometimes I think it’s all mental (it’s already a mental situation to begin with).

Sometimes I think all I’m doing is retraining my thoughts and my brain to pee under different circumstances.

It may not be the actual breath holding that does the trick, but me thinking that the breath holding is doing the trick that allows me to pee.

Am I Crazy?

I look at it like a Placebo. It works because you want it to. That’s what my mind is mumbling to me as the weeks go by.

There may be some truth to this, who knows. It may be a combination of the two. I’ll find out…

Right now, I keep slowly practicing. I practice at home, in the shower, at work… I have to yet practice in a public bathroom…

I have an insane Fact to spill…

I haven’t set foot in a public bathroom since I started this blog (Dec. 20th 2011 – See how I avoid them?).

That’s a scary thought.

One thing I have done though, and this is a huge step for me, is I’ve taught myself to pee directly into the toilet water so it makes splashing noises. Only once in the past week have I noticed myself going back to my old ways and peeing on the quiet side of the bowl. I quickly took aim and redirected my steam back towards the center.

Other than that, I’ve been making noises everywhere I go (which is at home and at work). :)

It’s a small step, but it’s moving forward.

I’m gotten rather used to the sound of me peeing. It doesn’t bother me anymore. It used to be I couldn’t make a peep… Now I’m at work peeing loudly in the john, with customers walking by about ten feet away (a small stock area is between us)… but with no dividing wall.

That’s a huge leap for me. One mission complete!

I do feel like I’m making progress with breath hold. I just need to get more serious and really focus. Strive to hold my breath every time I go.

Who knows if I’ll have a break through?

I still have this massive fear of even stepping foot in a public bathroom. One thing at a time…

No one said this was going to be easy. I’ve got a whole lifetime of trained behavior to unravel. I believe I’m headed on my way, one breath at a time.

I’ll let you know how it goes…

Okay!

Here’s a really embarrassing thing that happens to me just about every single time I pee:

I Fart when I Pee!

Seriously!

I’m standing there, and as I start to pee, 9 times out of 10 I’ll fart.

I don’t know why, but it never fails.

Maybe it’s because of my initial relief? Or my balls dropping? Or maybe it’s because my sphincter or groin or prostate is loosening up? Who knows?

But as I stand there and begin to pee, within the first 10-15 seconds, a fart will come out.

Surprise!

I know this. I can’t stop it. It just happens.

I’m relaxed, I’m going, I’m happy… I toot a little.

And since I know this, it worries me. If I were to ever stand there at a urinal and start to pee, I’m pretty sure I’d fart.

I’d feel so embarrassed if someone were peeing next to me, or even in the same bathroom. They would hear me. Granted, my farts aren’t rip-roaring loud farts, but you can still hear them.

So how am I supposed to Pee at a Urinal?

Can I stifle my farts?

Hold them in?

Clench my buttocks enough so no one will know?

The things that run through my mind…

I know I’m not the only one who farts when they pee. I hear it all the time in the men’s bathrooms. Men fart! It echoes off the walls. Some are SOOOOO LOUD… I would die!

Especially if there was a line of guys behind me…

Instead I go in the stall to pee and concentrate on making silent farts.

My farts don’t stink!

They don’t! But then again, I probably wouldn’t take my chances either. A fart’s a fart.

The air that was just inside my ass is now down your lungs… NOT a pleasant thought!

I’m pretty sure if I farted next to a guy peeing he’d probably give me a black eye or pee on me…

Hey! There’s more room on the outside than the inside!

Do you Fart when you Pee?

Is it normal?

I say we take a poll… from a safe distance of course. :)

Tonight was a big fat failure for me.

It was Friday Night… Theater Night!

It was such a perfect opportunity, but it resulted in absolutely nothing.

The evening started out late to begin with (which heightened my anxiety). I ran over at work and by the time I got home, changed, peed twice, I was ready to fly.

I picked up my friends and we got to the theater with no time to spare. The lights were just going down. Luckily I didn’t have to pee before hand, and luckily we were sitting in the back.

After the first act, my friends were all discussing going out for drinks and pizza after the play…

GREAT!!!

I can feel my anxiety rise even more. That means that if I need to pee, I’ll have to hold it in for 2 hours (the length of the play), PLUS another couple of hours more (2-3) for food and drinks. Suddenly it’s turning into a very long night for me…

…and my Paruresis!

If I had to pee, it could get ugly.

I try to concentrate on the play all the while I feel this slight urge to pee begin.

NO!!! I put it outta my mind.

Briefly I remember my statement in a previous post here, to face my fear and at least walk into the bathroom if for no other reason but to wash my hands.

I know that’s not good now. Going into the bathroom is fine and dandy if you don’t have to pee. Not a problem in the world. But if you have to pee and venture in there… it just makes matters worse.

I say to myself “I’ll go in the bathroom later…“

2 Acts later, it’s intermission. 15 minutes for a bathroom break for 150 guys. Great!

So What do I do?

I sit frozen in my seat of course. I don’t move. I don’t look around. All my other friends are bouncing up out of their seats to pee… Not me. I’m calming the urge to go. Ignoring it. If I ignore it, it will go away, right?

I again think about the long evening still ahead. At this rate I won’t get home until midnight. A 2 hour play is long enough, let alone doubling that cause my friends want to drink. Must be nice!

The play starts up again…

I’m lucky because my bladder isn’t bad tonight. It’s not screaming like it usually does. Just a mild persistence like someone tapping me on my shoulder. Not bad. Just a silent reminder that “You’ll need to visit the bathroom soon!“

An hour later, the play ends.

We all get in the car (walked right by the busy bathrooms and didn’t give them a second glance).

As I’m pulling out of the parking lot, my friends say “Where are you going?“

I was turning left to the restaurant…

“Aren’t we going to eat?” I say.

“No” said Kay, “We changed our mind. We were talking in the lobby (during their bathroom break) and I have to work in the morning. I don’t feel like having a hang over!”

So here it is! Relief!

No late night. No holding in my urine for 2 more hours…

I’m home free!

I drop them off and ten minutes later I’m peeing in the comfort and safety of my bathroom at home.

I’m happy the night ended early. I’m not happy about the fact that I failed my mission: To step foot in the bathroom.

Intermission is not a good time because all the guys are lined up trying to pee in just a few minutes…

Too much pressure!

I thought about standing in line briefly, but then I didn’t want to do all that just to wash my hands. Too obvious!

Listen to me… I’m making excuses. I didn’t want to go, Period!

How long is it going to take me to let my guard down long enough to even enter the bathroom there?

Where do I get this Courage from?

Will I always be a failure?

It was such a simple mission. Wash my hands! But as I found out, it’s not that easy. To me, this was Mission Impossible.

Next time…

There will always be a next time…

Right?

One of the number one cures that people tell Paruretics (Shy Bladder People) to do is to get themselves a Pee Buddy.

It’s been in every book that I have read so far on the subject (see books on right).

A Pee Buddy is supposed to help you through Desensitization and Gradual Exposure. It’s a friend (usually someone who has Paruresis as well) that knows what you’re going through and won’t judge you, be impatient with you, or make fun of you.

Gradual Exposure

They wait down the hall (or outside the home) as you pee. And little by little they move closer and closer until they’re on the other side of the bathroom door. Then after you get comfortable with that and can pee successfully (many times in a row), you proceed further.

You pee with the bathroom door ajar, open, and finally with your Pee Buddy standing behind you watching you pee.

Once you master the home bathroom… it’s time to move to public bathrooms. This is where you face all your fears.

Gradual Exposure sounds terrifying to me. And that’s my problem…

I’m not ready for a Pee Buddy yet!

I know I’m not ready because it scares the crap outta me just thinking about it.

Talk to a Friend

I’ve brought up this notion (Pee Buddy and what they do) to my friend Mike before (the one who pee’s loud and fast). He looked at me funny like I was out of my mind…

“Are you Serious?” He said.

I could see it in his eyes “That’s Weird!“

“They actually do that?” He said a little uneasy.

CREEPY!

I brought the topic up about a week ago. Mentioning the fact that my bathroom problems are a little bit more extreme than I’ve been telling him. He knew I had some issues with bathrooms, but nothing like this.

I told him I had Paruresis and am dealing with it, writing about it, it’s my own personal therapy.

The topic of Pee Buddies wasn’t brought up again. It was almost like I saw a wall going up. He doesn’t know how to take watching another man pee…

Thanks friend!

Not that I can blame him though. Most guys would label us freaks. It’s not nice or flattering.

I’ve been teased all my life, why should this be any different?

Later on that night he said to me…

“You want me to Watch you Pee?”

Ouch! This tells me he’s been thinking about it, but he didn’t say it like: I’ll do anything you want to help you, just ask…

He said it more like: Please don’t ask me to put myself in this uncomfortable position, anything that could be labeled gay, as in bathroom buddy…

He didn’t actually say that, but I could feel it.

I didn’t know how to reply.

I Didn’t say Yes. Didn’t say No.

I just said “Maybe. Someday. I’m not ready yet“

He shook his head. I left it at that.

Discussion Over

If I have such a hard time even talking about it with my best friend, how am I going to feel when I’m actually doing it?

“You want me to hold your hand?“

It does feel odd, creepy and a little freaky even thinking of asking someone to do this. It does!

Bathrooms are something you do in private. Putting it all out there for all to see is a scary thing.

So I ask myself…

“How can I ever Build up my Courage?”

I do it gradually. I keep reading, writing, blogging, and educating myself.

I have to deal with this and accept it first. I have to cope with it, acknowledge it before I can over come it. I have to make peace first.

It’s a disorder, a social phobia that lives inside of me. It rears its ugly head at the most inopportune times: Nature’s Calling.

Right now, I have no time for a Pee Buddy. All I have is my one good friend who I’ve just slightly opened up to.

He still doesn’t know how deep rooted this fear goes. He doesn’t know the full extent of my condition and how it affects my daily life and my life long decisions.

Maybe one day he will.

I’m scared that by opening up all the way, I’ll lose my friend. We’ve been friends for over 15 years now and somehow he’s never even noticed it (see how well Paruretics hide it?).

And now he knows more in one night than I’m sure he ever wanted to know. Will he think differently of me now?

Pee Shyness is a funny thing, right?

Everyone’s had certain times where it’s been more difficult to go…

But not being able to go at all. No matter how bad you have to pee… That’s not natural.

And it’s not natural to ask someone to watch you pee. You can’t just have anyone be your Pee Buddy. It’s got to be someone you’re comfortable with. Someone who will take the condition seriously and really try to help you.

For if they do something wrong…

Laugh at you.

Tease you.

Yank the door open suddenly to surprise you…

It could make your fears even worse. The shame. The hiding. The humiliation…

It either Helps you, or it Hurts you.

And here I stand on the verge of making a huge step in my life. One I may regret, or one that could literally change my life for good (pee free).

“You want me to watch you pee?“

One day.

Could be today. Could be tomorrow.

But one day, I may need one.

I may muster up the courage to take that leap.

Do I want a Pee Buddy?

NO!

Do I need a Pee Buddy?

Probably so!

I really do have a strong fear of public bathrooms.

But then again, if I think about it, it’s not really the actual bathrooms that I fear… it’s the crowd!

The Social Setting!

Being Watched. Being sized up. Being talked about. Discussed. Made fun of.

I always feel everyone is Gawking. Whispering. Laughing.

It’s the crowds at the Restaurants, Theater, Sporting Events, Shopping Malls, Airports… That’s what I have a problem with.

People!

Not the Bathrooms!

I know this, because if the restaurant was totally empty, I’d have no problems walking into the bathroom to pee.

In fact, if I knew it was empty and I knew I wouldn’t be disturbed, I could even pee in the urinal.

No problems at all!

So it’s not the bathrooms I fear. It’s the people.

Knowing this doesn’t help me when I’m sitting in a nice restaurant (like I did Sunday for a friend’s Birthday Party). I’m sitting there and I feel an urge to pee.

SHIT!

I hate these public settings so bad that I can’t even bring myself to stand up and go to the restroom. I can’t move. It’s like I’m frozen in place and handcuffed to the table.

I sit there thinking about it. I’ll even look around to see if I can tell where the bathrooms are at (of course I would never ask).

Instead I sit there all night feeling my urge intensify.

“Just make it through the night” I tell myself.

I can’t even phantom getting up and walking through the busy restaurant (with all eyes on me). If I was heading towards the bathroom, everyone would know I was going in to relieve myself. How disgusting!

My thinking is so crazy.

Why is Peeing so Disgusting?

I couldn’t tell you. Why am I ashamed and embarrassed by it? I couldn’t tell you that either.

I just am!

So instead of making a spectacle of myself, I sit there paralyzed by my fear at the table praying the evening will be over soon (it’s only a 45 minute drive home). It could never end soon enough.

Here everyone else is partying and drinking and getting up to go pee… And I just sit there smiling, laughing and pretending to have fun while my bladder is screaming in pain.

I just want to go home because I’m too scared to even stand up, excuse myself, and head towards the loo.

It Sucks!

I’m even worse at Sporting Events or the Theater… Because then, everyone in my row or auditorium knows I’m going to the bathroom.

I have to stand up, blocking all the people’s view behind me, pardon my way by them, inch over everyone making them move, bumping their knees “Hey! Sit down in front!“

Everyone in the entire arena knows that Richard is heading to the John. What a loser!

So once again, I just sit there and suffer. Holding in my pee and ruining my night.

Damn Phobia!

Why am I so scared of crowds? Social settings? Groups of People? Herds that I have to maneuver through to get to the bathroom that I fear.

I fear it because I know I won’t be able to pee, and somehow I think that everyone else will know that I can’t pee either!

This makes matters worse.

The only way out is avoidance.

I’m avoiding my fear.

Which means, the FEAR wins!

It gets bigger and stronger and takes up more of my life.

I need to put a stop to this. Fight back. Face fear and nip it in the bud.

And the only way to do that, is to go to the bathroom!

Seriously, even if I don’t need to pee, I should go into the bathroom. Just check it out. See it’s not such a scary place after all.

Go there to desensitize myself. Relax. Show fear who’s boss.

This I need to do (just don’t be a creepy lurker). I need to do this for myself and my sanity.

So here’s my plan. The next time I’m in a public setting (this Friday night), I need to face my fear and visit the bathroom. I need to go in, pretend to pee, make peace with myself.

I’ll see that no one’s laughing or pointing or calling me names. It’s not that scary.

I can do this!

I’m going to the theater (small venue) Friday night. It’s a community play with a tiny lobby and an even tinier bathroom (looks like a broom closet).

I’ve never stepped foot in there before. It intimidates me… It’s so small.

I’ve seen guys come and go all the time. The lobby gets full, standing room only. The bathroom doors are always opening and closing non-stop!

Everyone can see in. You can see the urinals (two of them), you can see the stall (one) and the feet under the stall… You can see the one sink and mirror, the stark white walls, with no music playing, and the door that’s always ajar.

Can I go in?

I don’t know. I’m scared to even think about it. Maybe it’s too much for now. Who knows?

I may have to start smaller, baby steps, we’ll see.

I’m not scared of the lobby and the huge crowd (a couple hundred people max). I’m just scared if I get singled out (like pushing my way through the crowd to get to the bathroom)… the Paruresis will set in.

“LOOK! There he goes!”

Or should they say “Trying to go!” :(

Face my Fears!

Face it, or else it gets worse. That’s what this blog is allowing me to do. Stand up and deal with it.

Grow stronger, get it out of me (good Therapy). I’m learning, reading, understanding what Paruresis is and how to handle it. One day at a time!

Tomorrow I’m heading into the bathroom of fear. Even if it’s just washing my hands. I must face the John. The Phobia. My Fear!

I can do this!

I WILL DO THIS!

Tomorrow!

Fear NOT!

P.S. Read my results here!

I just finished reading the book “Pee Shy to Pee Free” by David Soucy.

One section of the book is almost terrifying to me (being a Paruretic).

Page 56 talks about Pee Buddies and having them witness you peeing. In the book, he has the guy (friend) stand in front of him and watch him pee. Not behind him or besides him, but directly in front of him.

He goes on to say that the guy should look directly at him as he goes, or even stare directly at his penis. The act of looking away is considered shameful and this is a shame based behavior, so it’s the best way to tackle the problem. Head on!

I can’t even imagine asking another man to do this. It’s bad enough asking someone to watch you pee, let alone stare at your penis. “Hey Joe, can you watch me pee? And can you do it directly in front of me, and can you stare at my dick?“

The Horrors!

Not to mention the look on their face.

That takes a lot of guts for anyone to ask that, let alone do it. Who wants to be on either side of this situation?

This section of the book has been stuck in my head for a week now. It seems so drastic. Will these circumstances actually attack the root of my fear? The Phobia itself?

I mean, there’s no beating around the bush here. It’s all out in the open.

I have a difficult time peeing if someone is close to me, like in the next stall, let alone watching me and eyeing my junk.

I find that totally uncomfortable.

But yet it’s stuck in my mind. WHY?

Because it’s the ultimate fear that my anxiety feeds off. If I could concur this simple task, it seems like I could concur anything. Maybe someday I’ll work with a pee buddy. I’m still practicing the breath-hold and hoping that will do the trick.

But if all else fails, I could open up to my best friend and lay it all out on the line (if I do I’ll write about it here).

Whether or not he wants to stand there for 1/2 hour and wait for me to pee is another story.

Maybe a stranger would be better?

That way if I embarrass myself, I wouldn’t care. (Just be fucked up for another 20 years)

What happens if my dick shrinks up, or even worse, what if it engorges full of blood? That could happen. If the prostate is stimulated by a strong stream of pee a semi could result. I would die!

I think about all these possibilities and let it fester for now. Sink in. I’m working up my courage. Working on my plan.

Will I need an eye witness (are you looking at me?), or will breath-hold (BH) do the trick?

Only time will tell.

Until then, quit looking at my dick…

I’m trying to Pee!

Watching Max and Dominic on their YouTube Channel Paruresis Exposed, really opened doors for me.

To actually see two people who are mostly cured through the breath-holding technique has given me a lot of hope.

Granted, no one is ever totally cured from Paruresis, but the freedom they now have has given them a new life and a new outlook.

I have to say it is rather a little embarrassing watching someone pee. After all, this is something we normally hide; our secret shyness. But that’s the gist of this phobia. To get over that fear that this is normal and everyone does it and it’s no big deal.

I’ve listened to them talk about the breath-hold technique. I’ve seen them do it repeatedly in the videos with different results. Dominic tried one breath-hold where he tensed up and tried to force himself to pee. It didn’t work. He couldn’t go. Later, once he relaxed, he tried again and had success.

It’s all about controlling your mind and body. Keeping it relaxed while your lungs are screaming for air. It’s a rather bizarre thing to relax while your body is gasping or convulsing.

But it’s at that moment (or ten seconds later), when your guard is down that your inhibitions will dissolve away, the bladder floor will drop out and the pee will run free.

I watched all the videos a couple of times.

I even held my breath at the same time as they did just to see if I could do it. It’s not easy! Especially under pressure. Especially (as in Dominics case) with someone watching.

In every video, Dominic would turn away from the camera (and his pee-buddy camera man), and within a minute, he was pissing in the toilet. It was hard to tell from the video if he was gasping for air, turning red, heaving or swallowing to fight the urge to breath, all because he had his back to you. There were 13 videos in the channel and not one single one of them showed what was happening to their face.

I decided to find out.

I sent Dominic a message through the IPA Forums. I asked him if he could make a video showing his face this time. I really wanted to see if someone were to stand next to him at a urinal, if they would notice he was gasping, holding his breath, struggling or convulsing in any way.

Is it Noticeable?

I know mine would be. I’ve been practicing with breath-hold for over a week now and end up gasping for air like a lunatic before I pee. Anyone standing besides me would probably be startled, jump and really make me feel like more of a freak than I already feel.

I’m gasping in air like I’ve been underwater for 1/2 hour. What gives?

And while it is very scary to open up enough and ask someone you don’t know to make another video…

I really wanted to know.

I have no one here at home to walk me through this. And seeing it done first hand is the best way to learn.

I sent him this message:

Hello Dominic M,

I really like the videos that you and Max put on youtube. That’s what lead me over here to the forums. The only thing that I miss from the videos, is actually seeing the breath-hold work in progress. You talk about it, but we don’t get to see it because you turn away from the camera (and for good reason). But can you do a video that actually shows your face while doing the breath-hold. I’ve been practicing it for the past week and it’s hard to totally understand unless you actually watch someone do it.

Thanks much. You guys are helping me a lot and I intend to cure myself. :)

Thanks again!

-Richard

I was very surprised that Dominic quickly replied, let alone agreed to make another video. He said:

Hi Richard,

I see your point. I’ll try to make this video one of these days.

Good luck with your road to recovery. But understand that I’m not recovered from Paruresis either. I just learned to live around it. I can pee anywhere at any time now, but I need breath hold for that. For me it’s the perfect solution, I hope it will work for you too. I’ll keep an eye on your progress.

Greets, Dominic

I was floored! I thought he’d laugh at me or think I was weird, but he got it.

He understood that it could be a great learning tool for other people with Paruresis. I was even more floored when 2 days later he writes me:

Hi Richard,

I just finished making the video. Keep an eye on the channel.

I learned BH over two years ago, I’m pretty much done with paruresis. Occasionally I find myself thinking whether or not I should go the restroom or wait a little longer, but that’s like all there’s left from paruresis. It’s more a question of when, then where. It has no more control over my life, I do whatever I feel like doing without thinking about peeing. Having fun when going out. It’s a great thing. On NYE I actually peed in some bushes next to a good friend on a square with a few thousand people. I’m not saying you should do that too, but when you learn BH, you can just pee where you want, which is really a liberating feeling. I can give you so much examples of things I did the last two years what wouldn’t be possible without BH.

So yeah, stick with it and I’m sure your life will change soon. I’m rooting for you.

Greets, Dominic

Here’s a man in Belgium who is 99% cured now for 2 years, reaching out and still helping others with absolutely no agenda whatsoever. It really is amazing that people can be so nice.

And sure enough, later on that day, a new video appeared in their YouTube Channel. #14 titled Shy Bladder – Breath Hold in Action.

He mentions that I requested the video (somebody) and he does his best to add anxiety by taking down the bathroom curtains so people could see in… this would make any Paruretic anxious!

He holds his breath and within 30 seconds he’s Peeing.

Granted it’s not really a fair test, there are no people present, and not really a fear of being seen or heard (at home by himself), but the most important aspect is seeing the breath-hold in action.

He holds his breath so calmly that you can’t even tell he’s holding his breath. As he begins to pee he states “So like you see, it works… and I’m not even out of breath“.

This is true! I’d be gasping like crazy, but it’s no big deal for him. He’s not out of breath in the least. You can’t even tell from his voice when he begins to speak.

Impressive!

I’m happy he did this new video on Paruresis. It really does show me how effortlessly it can be done.

No one would ever know, even right next to him at a urinal. Not a clue!

Amazing!

This breath-hold really is the ticket to curing Paruresis.

I intend to master it and use it. I want to be cured. I want to be free!

Now if Dominic really wanted to show us how it works, he’d do a video in a more difficult setting. Like invite his friends over to stand behind him as he went. That would up the ante. It would be a tough test for anyone. Add some real pressure.

But then again, I don’t think that would phase him much. Like his comment above about peeing in the bushes on New Years Eve… Paruresis is behind him now. Peeing in front of thousands, now that would have made a great video!

The proof is in the pudding as they say.

The only thing that I would have changed about this particular video he made is this: Keep your chin up! He looks down as he breath-holds and it’s hard to see what his face is doing. Granted, he did it pretty effortlessly, but he is doing it without any real pressures. That could change the scenario in a heart beat.

For me, I’m going to continue practicing the breath-hold. So far, I can hold my breath until I feel like I’m going to pass out. I don’t of course, but I feel like that.

It hasn’t made me start peeing yet, but it does make me want to more. Usually as I’m gasping in air I’ll start to pee… so I’m close!

A little delayed, but close.

More practice. More breath holding. Some day…

It’s simple. Exhale. Hold it. Relax and Go…

Easy right?

Piece of Cake?
Maybe…

One day…

Thanks again Dominic. You can Guest Post here any day. I’m sure the world would love to hear your success stories! :)