Shy Bladder HQ

About 20 years ago, I ran into the most terrifying bathroom in the world. It really was a Paruretic’s worst nightmare.

I was at a dance club sipping Coca-Cola. I don’t drink anything heavy (I think this stems from my Dad being an Alcoholic), and I tend to sip slowly. That way a drink can last me all night and I more than likely won’t have to pee (especially since it’s a 45 minute drive home).

This night, was not one of those nights.

I had to Pee and I had to Pee Bad!

I hate it when it gets this bad and it forces me out of my comfort zone.

The men’s room is in the very back corner (so when you head back there, everyone knows you’re going to the bathroom). The entrance is open and people are all lined up against the jam packed wall chatting, laughing, drinking and watching people come and go.

As I get up to the bathroom I can see the entryway is not only open, but WIDE open! The entrance is huge and you can actually see guys in the bathroom standing at the urinals doing their thing. WTF!

I feel my anxiety shoot through the roof. I hesitate for a second feeling all eyes on me.

OH FUCK!

I so wanted to bolt and run and never look back, but I literally felt like my bladder would explode at any minute. I had to go. I had to go now. I was desperate.

I could feel people’s gazes sinking into the back of my head… I walked into the bathroom.

And then it hits me. The worst nightmare imaginable.

There were no stalls!

The small room was nothing but a square room with urinals all around the perimeter. Close urinals, side by side with NO partitions in between them. No privacy in the least. NOTHING!

All eyes were watching me…

I could have died right there.

I wanted to Die!

I closed my eyes, feeling like I would panic, and headed for a urinal in the corner. Maybe if I face away from everyone I might be able to go?

I unzipped, pulled my dick out and took a deep breath.

I stared frozen in the corner trying to tune the noises out. Trying to block the talking and laughing behind me.

I had to go so bad!

I stood there praying to go… but I couldn’t. It was so extraordinarily painful… I wanted to cry. I just stood there paralyzed by my fear and humiliation…

To me it sounded like everyone was talking and laughing at me.

“HE CAN’T PEE!”

It was the worst moment in my life… In the worst bathroom in the world.

After agonizing long minutes, I finally gave up. I didn’t want it to look like I couldn’t go, or I was lurking in the john…

I zipped up and left with my head down. No eye contact. I headed straight out and left the bar. Night over!

I had to leave because I had to pee really, really bad. I didn’t dare try to pee around this neighborhood (not safe).

So instead, I suffered all the way home. 45 minutes!

It was a long time before I could run into my bathroom and pee.

What a Horrible Night!

I was terrified. It took me a long time to even go back to that bar for fear that I’d have to pee again, or the crowd would say “Hey, it’s the Pee Shy Guy!”

It’s been 20 years and I still feel that panic of seeing nothing but urinals. What hell!

I hope I’ll never run across a scene like that again in my lifetime. It really does stop one dead in their tracks.

As I found out, if you gotta go, sometimes it’s better just to leave… At least you’ll know that some relief is coming…

Even if it is 45 minutes away!

One time in my life I actually peed with people looking.

Sadly, it was a mistake.

You see, I went into this busy bathroom at the theater one time. There was a wait outside the door (I hate that – Good thing it’s rare). I got more nervous as I waited and the line moved forward. I kept watching for a stall to open up, hoping that it would land on me…

I got lucky. A stall opened up just as it was my turn. A stall in the middle of the stalls no doubt, but a stall became available instead of a urinal (so I wouldn’t have to tell guys behind me to go around me – which is very embarrassing and draws attention to my condition).

As I head in and the door opens, I head towards it. The guys comes out and we make eye contact…

That’s the Worst!

It’s a look of “Sorry I just took a Shit in there and now you’re gonna smell it…“

That kind of look.

I feel slightly disgusted, but I have no choice. I had to pee bad. My bladder was dying and I had to get some relief soon.

So I close the door behind me. Unzip and stand there listening to the busy commotion of the bathroom. The sinks are going. The hand dryers on. Chatter is everywhere. Toilets are flushing. Footsteps move up and down the room. Someone farts in the stall next to me…

And I’m just standing there waiting for my piss to begin. Relax. Relax. I kept telling myself.

It takes about 4 minutes (which feels like a lifetime) to begin. If there’s a lot of distracting noise it helps me go… as long as I can go quietly.

This Day, I Peed a little

I could have stood there for another 5 minutes and peed some more, but I was done for now. I got a couple of squirts out. That’s a lot for me.

You’d think that I’d feel better going a little. But it actually makes it worse because the rest is pushing and wanting to come out but can’t. I’m under too much pressure. Guys are waiting. They can see my feet… I just don’t work that way.

The longer I hold it, the longer it takes me to go, so instead I leave. I also know that I won’t get another chance that night. I only get the courage once!

Plus, I don’t want all the guys in line to think I’m a real freak because I’m taking so long…

I zip up, flush the toilet, and turn around…

HORRORS!

I almost passed out.

The Stall Door was Open!

Open all the way up. It must not have latched properly and some how it swung all the way open silently and I was too focused on peeing to notice. I didn’t hear a sound.

That’s never happened to me before. Ever!

I felt terrified because guys were everywhere. 3 were washing at the sinks across from me. I could see their faces in the mirror. 2 guys were walking by, and one even turned to stare at me as he passed.

All this time I was trying to pee invisible, and was being highly observed and didn’t even know it.

That was a Nightmare I’ll never forget!

How many guys were standing there waiting for me? Watching me? How many thought the stall was open (because the door was open) and just about came in behind me?

How many could tell I was pee shy and frozen in place?

Embarrassed, I quickly washed my hands and left not making any eye contact. I could feel everyone looking at me. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve felt like such a spectacle.

How many people saw me?

How many People know the Truth?

The lesson I learned here, isn’t the fact that I CAN actually pee in front of people if I think they’re not watching…

It’s this:

LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR BEHIND YOU!

That was sheer panic and you better believe that now when I go into a stall, I make sure the door is absolutely closed.

A stall door isn’t much privacy to begin with, but it’s something. It’s better than being on display.

I never want to go through that again…

Fucking Door!

All week I’ve been very anxious. I’ve been thinking about Christmas Eve and my yearly tradition.

I meet up with a bunch of my friends at a nice restaurant. We eat. We drink. We celebrate Christmas and our good friendships.

I love my friends dearly, I love the food and the drinks…

But my bashful bladder really gets to me.

I start thinking all week “I’m not going to be able to pee for hours” I’m going to have to sit through another long night and hope that my bladder holds out on me and that I won’t have to piss.

It really is a long time to hold it. It’s painful. It’s distracting. It pretty much ruins the night because that’s all I can think about.

And here I am, for days before hand thinking about that one night and whether I’ll get to enjoy myself. Will I have to force myself into a situation I fear and dread the most? Using the bathroom?

It makes for a wonderful week. The ball is rolling downhill…

And what’s funny is the fact that I know this negative thinking just adds fuel to the fire. I know it’ll make matters worse and by the time this weekend comes I’ll be totally obsessed with trying to be normal and trying not to pee.

It’s such a stupid thing. I’m such a stupid mess.

Christmas Eve

And sure enough Christmas Eve gets here, and I’m getting ready to go. My anxiety is heightened.

I pee before I leave knowing it may be a long, long time before I pee again.

I put my coat on and I can feel my anxiety kick in even more. The time is here… But wait. I have to pee again.

Always before I go out, I have to pee a couple of times, sometimes 3 or 4 times within a couple of minutes. It depends on how long I dawdle…

That’s messed up!

I think I must have a small bladder or something, but right after I go, because my phobia is raised, I’ll have to go again.

Even if it’s just a tiny squirt, it makes me feel like I have to really pee.

I can’t leave the house feeling like that. If I left the house feeling like I had to pee to begin with, I’d really be in danger.

So instead, I stand there for another couple of minutes and pee again.

I get to the door and stop.. Can you believe it…

I have to Pee again

Seriously! I hate this feeling. That pressure is already fucking with my mind. I pee another couple of drops… How aggravating is this? It drives me crazy!

I Pee.

Pee once more, and then I finally head out the door… No turning back now.

The urge to Pee

An hour and a half later, I’m having fun and laughing with my friends and I feel the slight urge to urinate.

FUCK!

The night is young and that’s not a good sign.

I ignore it (like I always do). I try to get into the conversation and fun and festiveness, but in the back of my mind I’m thinking… “I need to pee!“

Plus, I also know that if I hold it and need to pee, it’ll only make matters worse. I’ll have a harder time peeing when I do.

It’s like I keep building up that wall making the entire process much more difficult.

And all it is is a simple bathroom break. But instead, I hold my urine for over 5 hours. And the last couple of hours were a real pain. I was highly discomfortable and wanted nothing more but to leave the party and relieve my bladder.

But I couldn’t. I had to drop a few friends off at their homes first. This makes the night even longer and makes my condition even more painful.

Not to mention the fact that it’s cold out which always perpetuates the urge to go, and the fact that the back roads are extremely bumpy and every single bump and thump makes my bladder scream and my mind explode.

I hate feeling this way. What am I doing to myself? Why do I put myself through this agony?

Only when I get back home and run to the bathroom do I finally find some peace.

It makes me want to cry!

Long nights just kill me. I put on a happy face so no one will suspect, but one day, one day I’ll probably just piss myself in public (and then I’d never go out again), or I would just die from an enlarged bladder.

Won’t that make the evening memorable?

Merry Christmas!

This post will show everyone how fucked up I really am.

We have a half bathroom in our house. It’s big enough for a toilet and a sink and that’s about it.

About 2 months ago, I was standing at the toilet peeing and I just happened to look up at the ceiling.

There was a small spider in the corner with a big fat black belly.

I looked at the spider (who doesn’t frighten me in the least), seeing if I could tell if it was alive or not. I finished my business and left.

A couple of days later I found myself back in that bathroom again looking up at the spider. It was in a new position in its web.

I’m standing there with my dick in my hand and what do I do? I blow air towards the spider. My breath moves the web and in return, the spider readjusts itself.

It’s Alive!

It’s alive and no doubt, staring back at me. I wonder how long the spider can live. After all, there are no flies in my house.

Days later, I revisit the spider. He’s certainly made a home for himself. The web is connected against 2 walls and you can’t miss the darkness of his body against the stark white background. It stands out like a sore thumb.

It’s about that time that I think about the spider’s eyes. I think I’m being watched!

I wonder if spiders have eyes like flies and are looking at me with 88 pupils?

I also wonder if the spider is thinking “Why does he take so long to pee versus any other guy?“

This is quite funny to me and I chuckle out loud at my stupidity.

A spider doesn’t think that…

You think?

A couple of days later I find myself chatting with my spider friend.

YES! You read that right (I always talk to myself when I’m alone. I also speak to plants… so why is a spider so different?).

I say to the spider:

“Are you looking at me?”

I say it like Joey on Friends “You talking to me?” :)

I blow on the spider again to get it to move.

It’s really making me wonder what this lone dark spider in the corner is thinking. Do they even know what we’re doing? I find myself getting slowly obsessed with this spider. Every time I go into the john, the spider is there looking at me looking back up at him.

Sometimes I just stand there for 2 minutes staring at it before I pee.

I stare at the spider in wonderment. It’s starting to bug me.

That’s when I realize that I’m becoming uncomfortable with this stupid spider around.

It’s always looking at me. I can feel its gaze. And now, I’m doing the same thing. I can’t take my eyes off it…

The first thing I do when I go into that bathroom is look up at the ceiling to see if my friend is still there.

Of course he is.

He’s waiting for me.

Staring at me.

Taunting me.

OH COME ON…

A spider taunting me?

All those big beady black eyes are sizing me up. It’s getting under my skin. I’m becoming concerned because I’m obsessed with a silly spider who does nothing but quietly wait and watch…

So what do I do?

After weeks of this progressing, me looking up and trying to pee in front of this 8 legged creature, I finally had enough.

I threw some toilet paper at the spider (took me 3 attempts to hit it), and it dropped and fell into the trash can. I quickly took the spider outside and let it go (It’s an animal thing, I hate to kill them).

WHEW!!!

Finally my bathroom is spider free. Rid of all 88 eyes.

I certainly felt relieved that I’m not being watched anymore. I can pee in peace now.

But now, something funny happens…

I still look up at the ceiling

Every time I go into the bathroom to pee, I still look back up at the ceiling, just to make sure that the spider isn’t there.

Is this crazy? Maybe. Compulsive? You bet!

To this day, there are no more spiders.

I can pee with no problems (as long as the house is empty of course).

Who would have thought that my disorder would chip away at me over such a silly little thing?

But then again, not peeing is a silly little thing, right?

I could understand being pee shy in front of a dog or a cat… but a spider?

Only me…

Looking back up at the ceiling…

I’ve been reading a book about Pee Shyness.

What a reality check!

This book is called “Shy Bladder Syndrome” – Your Step-By-Step Guide to Overcoming Paruresis, from Amazon and I have read it from cover to cover in just 3 days.

Years ago, I read somewhere that to overcome a Shy Bladder, you’ll need a Pee Buddy. Someone like you that can help you gain confidence in peeing with a stranger nearby (in steps of increasingly difficult situations).

Someone who knows exactly what you’re going through.

I thought that was silly and put it out of my mind. If I can’t pee in public, how am I supposed to pee with a stranger?

I dismissed that thinking to myself “I could never do that“.

Well this book that I purchased once more talks about the cure being a Pee Buddy or Partner.

It scares me!

Is this truly the ONLY cure there is? The only way out of this living hell?

I have to hook up with another pee shy person and take potty breaks together?

I really don’t think I could do that. I find it hard enough to even talk about, let alone setting up a time and place for the event.

A pee buddy is something I’m not ready for. I suppose it will take me a long time to build up the courage to pursue.

Who knows. It could be tomorrow, it could be never. I’m taking it slow and letting the idea fester.

But in the meantime, I am doing something. Something pretty cool that I learned from the book. The Author talks about changing the way that you pee and getting over your fear of being silent.

The book tells you to pee directly into the toilet

Pee into the center of the water so it makes a noise (Graduated Exposure Therapy – Page 43).

I’ve been doing this task for 4 days now. It’s really weird… I’m forcing myself to pee into the water. I’m making splashing sounds for the first time in my life. I’m making noise…

And it’s not easy. I find myself naturally aiming towards the side of the bowl. I have to consciously think about it and redirect my piss and aim towards the center. I’ve been doing this in my home and at work (where we have a single bathroom with a lock on the door).

I’m changing my habits. Reconditioning myself slowly but surely.

I’m taking the advice of the book and allowing myself to be noisy just like everyone else. Plus, I’m doing one more thing…

I’m encouraging myself as I do so with a quote taken directly from page 33. That quote says:

“No One Cares If I Pee Or Not”

This line hit home with me. It’s stuck in my head and every time I stand there at the toilet and start to pee loudly, I mumble that line over and over again…

No One Cares If I Pee!

No One Cares If I Pee!

I listen to my words and listen to my pee and right now, I’m comfortable with that.

It’s making me feel like I’ve taken my first steps towards a cure. There is hope!

It’s so true though. No one gives a fuck if I pee. They really don’t.

It’s me who does.

I’m my own worst enemy

So for now, that’s what I’ve got. That’s a start.

I do think that I’ll buy some more books on pee shyness (my compulsiveness makes me want to learn everything there is about the subject). There are a bunch of different books on Amazon, and if they can help me, they’re worth every penny.

One thing I will say about this book that really opened my eyes and helped me in more ways than one is reading other people’s stories. Those are invaluable. They touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. This book is filled with testimony from other Paruretics. What they say, what they feel, what they do about their shyness… It’s amazing to hear them go through the exact same things as me.

I thought I was alone!

Now I see that there are many more like me. Many who are terrified of such a common natural ability. There may be different reasons why we all ended up in this spot, but the one thing that really stood out for me was this: Hostile Parents. That sums me up to a T.

It really made the light come on and made me see how and why and where it all began.

I’m not a freak!

I am a man.

One day I will stand at a urinal and pee freely without a care in the world.

And I’ll do it because of this…

No One Cares If I Pee!

No one!

I was always terrified of my Dad.

He had no problems with throwing me across the room with the back of his hand. He was a mean drunk, yelling at me and beating me with his leather belt.

I would huddle in a corner and cry.

I was a very skinny kid who looked like a nerd with big buck teeth.

I got teased a lot. The kids on the school bus would call me “French Fry Fag” because my Mom made me wear this knit hat with french fries on it (I have no idea why).

I was always getting knocked around, bumped into and made fun of. I was 98 pounds in High School and hated Gym Class. The Locker room was just a taunting nightmare. The humiliation never stopped.

My Dad was still the best in this field though. Nothing I ever did was good enough for him. It was always “You’re Stupid” “You have no brains”. He passed away 3 years ago… I can still hear his voice.

My life as a kid is pretty much a blur for me. I’ve blocked out most of it. Only pieces and fragments remain. It was just a never ending supply of insults, orders and belittling. I remember very few happy moments.

My Dad made me a coward. A timid man that will never forgive him for the trauma and destruction that he caused my life then and now.

Mom was no Better!

My Mom would pull me around by my hair. She used to beat me with the metal Fly Swatter and anything else she could grab. One time in the car she beat me with her hair brush until it broke. And then, because it broke, it made her madder and she then proceeded to stab me with the end of it.

She was a bundle of joy until the day she left my Dad.

She left him because she was terrified of him. She thought he was going to kill her… especially when he drank… which was every day!

She came up to my attic room that night. She was crying. She said she was leaving and would come back and get us kids (me and my sister).

She lied!

She never came back. She left me with an abusive Father who beat me and never loved me.

I thought that once he died I’d be free of this trauma he’s caused me. I thought I’d feel relief and that these stupid anxiety handcuffs would come off. But they never did.

And as I get older, the handcuffs tighten and my fears intensify.

Why can’t I let go of the past?

Why Can’t I Pee in Public?

I remember having a hard time peeing even when I was just a little boy of 7 or 8. Our bathroom was at the back of the house and to get to the bathroom, I would have to sneak past my Dad’s room. He would sleep with the door open. So I’d have to be very quiet and tip-toe past him to the john.

I’d shut the door as quietly as I could so it wouldn’t wake him.

I would pee on the side of the toilet bowl so it wouldn’t make any splashing sounds. I could hear him snoring as I peed. And if he stirred and stopped snoring, I’d freeze up. My pee would stop. I would stand there in silence waiting for him to snore again so I could finish and get out.

This began my journey of Pee Shyness

But… If I could trace the roots back even further…

I would go back to my tiny tot years.

I would often pee my pants. With a Father like mine, it was easy to do. I would wet myself and it would send my Mom into a frenzy.

She would go out of her way to humiliate me when I did. She would pull down my pants and make me stand butt naked in the corner while my Sister and her 2 Girlfriends looked on and laughed at me. This nightmare would go on for 1/2 hour or so… Until I’d learned my lesson.

Things like that, your mind won’t erase.

I’m sure the embarrassment, humiliation and timidness made me who I am today. I was raised that way. It’s no wonder why I associate Peeing with such ridicule and shame.

I quickly learned to not pee. To hold my urine in no matter what the circumstances were. Hold it until it’s safe enough to release and let go.

It makes perfect sense to me.

I totally understand WHY I can’t Pee!

The problem is, even with knowing the origins of this pee shyness, I don’t know how to rewire my brain and untrain all that I’ve learned.

It’s such a silly thing, but it’s so impossibly difficult.

All I want to do is to pee in public without being frightened to death by the bathroom door opening and footsteps coming in.

My Father’s Dead!!!!

Can’t that ghost just leave me alone?

He still has his thumb on me 20 years after I left his house. The day I left, I swore I’d never be back. I swore I’d never seen him again until the day he died. I hated him that much.

I was close. I saw him only 3 times before his last bout at the hospital with lung cancer.

And for the first time in his life, he told me something that I’ve never heard him say before; he loved me.

And even though it made me cry to hear it, I didn’t believe it. Not after all he put me through. It was a little too late.

He fucked my life up. He’s left me bitter, sheltered and full of odd phobias and fears…

• Nail Biting – I’ve chewed my nails to the pulp since the sixth grade
• Lip Twitch – When I’m in a confrontational situation, my upper lip uncontrollable twitches
• Bladder Shyness – The biggest and most painful ordeal I’ve ever had to face on a daily basis. Peeing in public is the worst!

I try to hide it. I don’t tell anyone about my shyness. They wouldn’t understand. In fact, I believe they would make even more fun of me.

I’ve kept this secret locked up in me with all the other skeletons in my closet… Until now that is.

I’m letting it all come out!

As scared as I am about opening up and setting myself up for more ridicule and humiliation, I’m also relieved that I’m getting it out of my heart and onto the page.

It has to help, doesn’t it?

I’ve spent a lifetime building up this wall, and brick by brick I’m tearing it down.

My intentions are clear; I’m going to beat this Social Phobia. I have no doubts in that.

And when I do, I’ll be able to stand up tall and proud and finally say to my Dad

“This Time I WIN!”

“This Time I BEAT YOU!!!”

I’m Richard. I have a huge secret to admit. I’m Pee Shy! (Paruresis)

Being Pee Shy (or Bladder Shyness as many call it) can be very terrifying at times.

Terrifying as in I get frozen up and can’t pee like a normal guy.

I stand there at the toilet for minutes on end and nothing comes out. I can be so full of liquids and dying to go, but I can’t.

I just stand there frozen as other guys come and go in the john while I’m locked in place, unable to relax enough to let the stream flow.

I stand quiet, trying to be invisible, hoping they won’t see my feet under the stall (always the stall), or see me through the crack in the door…

Standing there for what seems like hours thinking I’m a freak and can’t urinate.

How Abnormal Am I?

It does make me feel like such a freak.

I dread going to the bathroom in public. I loathe it. I do everything I can to avoid it.

I hold my urine for 6-8 hours sometimes so I don’t have to face the humiliation of being labeled a freak.

I hate it. I hate it with a passion. Sometimes I want to scream and cry. I try to force my pee out. It doesn’t work. It only makes matters worse. My anxiety levels sky rocket and makes it much harder to pee.

I try deep breathing. I try to relax and think about something else. I even try counting or multiplication (I read somewhere that works). But then the bathroom door busts open and I tighten up again. If by chance I had begun to pee, it freezes up. Everything stops in terror. I stand there like an idiot unable to go.

I think my friends must be wondering what’s taking me so long.

“He’s been gone for hours!”

I wonder what the people sitting close to the bathroom think “He’s been in there an awfully long time…“

I’m sure people think I’m taking a dump or jacking off… Why else would he be in there for 45 minutes?

It makes me think everyone is thinking about me peeing and why I’m just standing in the stall unable to move.

Who’s ever heard of someone not peeing?

I listen to guys come in and stand at the urinal. I listen to their pants unzip. I listen to them peeing and not caring.

They don’t care how loud they are. They don’t care about their sighs of relief. They don’t even care if they fart while they go…

I couldn’t do that if my life depended on it.

I think only once in the past 10 years have I ever even stood at a urinal. And that was just because the stall was broken. It’s almost uncomprehendable to me. ONE TIME!!!

What a nightmare. All the time I stood there I kept thinking “Someone’s gonna walk in on me” Any minute now… right as I start to pee it’ll happen…

This thinking of course just keeps me from going in the first place.

I can’t even imagine standing there with my dick in my hand as a total stranger rambles up next to me and starts peeing just feet away. I would just as soon crawl in a corner and die.

I couldn’t bear it.

And yes, that one time, I couldn’t pee. As soon as someone came in, I pretended to finish up, washed and left with a full bladder that was killing me. I left the bathroom with all eyes on me knowing the truth. It was written all over my face.

I can’t pee in public

I even feel like my walking is awkward. It’s obvious something is wrong… I’m on exhibition.

It’s just a Bathroom!

If the bathroom is noisy and guys are coming and going, I may, if given enough time and coaxing, be able to quietly pee as long as no one hears me.

But if the bathroom is quiet, with no music playing, no noise, not even a mouse, my anxiety level is heightened.

The silence is killer!

And all the time, my bladder is full, most of the times painfully full because I’ve put off peeing so long.

When it gets to the point where it’s that bad, and I HAVE to try to pee in public, I already know I’m beyond any relief.

It’s highly uncomfortable. After all, I’ve been worrying about it for hours. I’ve been eyeing the bathroom door and already watching people entering and exiting. I’ve been waiting for the perfect moment to make my move. I hope and I pray that no one will follow me in, or have to go when I do.

I’m hoping they won’t see me bolt into the stall instead of standing at the urinal like a man does.

It’s all because I’m scared. I’m doing something I dread to do. I’m forcing myself into a horrible situation. But then again, if I’ve been worrying about it for hours, the whole night is probably ruined anyways.

I hate going out. I’m a homebody and feel at ease there. Being pee shy has taken over my thoughts and my actions and my life.

I make excuses why I want to leave my group of friends “I’m Tired” “I’m Full” “I have work to do”…

When in reality, it’s this:

I HAVE TO PEE!

I have to pee and I want to pee at home in peace.

It disables me. It preoccupies my thoughts and behaviors. I feel handicapped by this stupid social disorder of mine.

I don’t know one other person who has this. Not one!

I would give anything to rid myself of this ongoing nightmare. It’s followed me from childhood, as early as I can remember, and as I get older (I’m now 45), it gets worse and worse. I know it. I feel it.

Concerts are the Worst!

If I’m going out to a concert, from the day I buy the tickets I start worrying. Even if it’s months in advance. I worry about that day. Crowds at Concerts are the worst of my phobias. I worry I won’t be able to use the bathroom and my anxiety starts. As the event gets closer and closer, it’s like a snowball rolling down a hill, it gets bigger and bigger and gains momentum.

I hope I’ll be able to enjoy the evening instead of trying to sit comfortably holding in my pee. That day I’ll do my best to avoid any liquids or drinks. Everyone else is buying beer and pop and I’m like “No, I’m fine, thanks!”

I hate it!

Heaven forbid I drink enough to pee once in an event like that… let alone twice. Once is enough!

Once is a huge step and a daunting undertaking. Half the time my attempts end in failure which just leaves me in agony and disappointment. Everyone else is laughing and having a good time, and I’m ready to leave and cry and bash my head into a wall…

Peeing at a Concert, Sporting Event, or the Theater is pretty much on equal par. They paralyze me to the point of self hate. I hate feeling this way. I hate myself for feeling this way. It’s frustrating to no end.

Why I can’t Pee?

There are many reasons why I can’t pee:

• The Bathroom is too Busy
• The Bathroom is too Quiet
• A Guy goes into the Stall next to me
• There’s a line at the door
• There’s a large gap in the Stall Door
• The Stall Door won’t Lock

If the stall door won’t lock, I feel extremely vulnerable. It’s almost panic mode. I try to lock the door, without making too much noise in the fuss. If I can’t quickly and quietly lock it, I most of the time just leave. Sometimes I’ll hold the door closed with one hand and try to pee with the other. This awful position just makes matters worse.

The result is always failure!

I already know this, which is why I usually just give up and leave.

I Scope out the Bathroom in Seconds

Just walking into a bathroom I’ll know instantly if I can pee or not. Usually!

I eye it up in seconds. I first look to see if the bathroom has stalls. I see if any of the stalls are full. I try to look under the stall doors for legs, but I don’t want to be too obvious that I’m looking, so I’ll walk by the doors and sometimes push on them to see if they open… I always try for the last stall against the wall. That way only one side of me is vulnerable to attack!

I see if the bathroom is quiet. I HATE QUIET BATHROOMS! Please people, put some music in the bathrooms, the louder the better!!!

I see if people are coming in behind me…

First Time Bathrooms are Scary!

I hate experimenting with new bathrooms. You never know what to expect. It’s a tough enough situation to begin with, let alone not even knowing if they have stalls and if there’s one open.

I feel like I’m being watched as I enter and go into a stall. I feel like guys are saying “He’s going into a stall to pee?” “What a weirdo!”

It’s even worse if there’s someone in the bathroom I know. They’ll want to pee and chat… Not good! None of my friends knows I’m pee shy. I would never be able to go. I’ve gone in, washed my hands before and bolted… Fucking bathrooms!

I hang my head in shame. Many many times I’ll take one step into a bathroom and instantly turn around and exit. I can’t go!

Instead, I decide to suffer the painful condition and hold it in until the night is over. However many more agonizing hours that may be.

And then, when it finally is time to say my goodbyes and drive home, I still have the long drive, probably another 1/2 hour or so… It never ends.

Can my Bladder last that long?

I wonder if my bladder will explode. Will it kill me? Will urine leak out and poison my body?

I worry about these things. I drive distracted and in pain. I hit every red light home and hit every pot hole…

This is my life. This is what I go through. This is my blog. This is where my therapy begins!

I’m hoping that by sharing my thoughts, actions and paralyzing fears and phobias with you that it will help me, and at the same time, help you as well.

If you have the same pee shy or bladder shyness as me, maybe we can support each other and get over this fear of public bathrooms?

This secret condition I call hell!

I’ve wasted a good portion of my life to this crippling disorder. I’ve canceled plans, night outs, movies, Football games… And I hate it!

I’m taking Action Today!

That’s right, I’m taking action NOW! I’m letting the World know that after a lifetime of pain and suffering, I’m ready for a cure.

This blog and website will help me find the way.

Join me, will you? :)