Shy Bladder HQ

So Today, I drive an hour up North with a couple of my friends. We’re going shopping and then out to eat.

The Mall we’re heading to is a Mall that I haven’t been to in ages! I have no idea what the bathroom situation is like.

And, because of the hour long drive, I didn’t Fluid Load before I left the house. But I did take a bottle of water with me to chug as we got closer.

And, on the way up, we did swing into Tim Horton’s so I grabbed myself a Large French Vanilla Cappuccino as well. :)

YUM!

We drive straight to the Mall with no other stops. And as we get near the exit, I guzzle the bottle of water. I did so casually because I didn’t want my friends in the back seat to see that I was gulping water like crazy, HA!

How do you explain that to people? “BOY WAS I THIRSTY!” LMAO!

NOT!

So we get to the Mall and shop for a couple of hours. I feel the urge to pee getting stronger, so I excuse myself and head down the long hall leading to the bathrooms…

I see the Men’s Room and push on the door…

And what do I see?

A Single User Bathroom!

WHAT?

It’s so odd to find single user bathrooms in malls. I had no idea there were so many. But then again, I used to avoid the bathrooms and never really went in them until I started my recovery. So I would have never found out. I just naturally assumed there was no ideal places to pee.

It’s crazy to see that there are bathrooms that a Paruretic could use. Fancy that!

Well, I hesitated, because I really wanted to pee in a “normal” public bathroom, with urinals, with traffic…

But I didn’t know where they were, or if they even had them, and I did have to pee, so I went in, locked the door and did my business.

I had no problems peeing in there. Granted, I still was expecting someone to push on the locked door (bang the door down), or jiggle the door knob, but no one did. It was just me and the toilet and I peed until I was empty.

Then we shopped some more.

An hour later, I have to Pee again!

And so the next time I see a bathroom sign, I excuse myself and head on in. This bathroom is a normal bathroom (YEAH!), and it has 5 urinals, a bunch of stalls, and everything was EMPTY!

I move up to Urinal #2, which would give me better odds of peeing next to someone, and I hold my breath.

I find that if I just hold some air in my lungs and apply some slight pressure down by pushing on my bladder, I can usually pee pretty quickly.

As I do Today!

Withing 15 seconds, I’m peeing!

Some guy comes in and walks by me to the very last urinal in the corner. He starts to pee as I finish up.

I wash and leave!

Then, after the Mall, we’re off to the Steak House! (Flemings)

MOOOOOOOOOOO!

As soon as we sit, I start drinking water. I drank 2 glasses pretty quickly and decided that I would attempt to pee before the main course showed up.

This Steak House is a restaurant that I go to a couple of times a year. The last time I was here I DIDN’T go in the bathroom even though I wanted to. I didn’t because Mike had gone in there and told me “Don’t go in there!” (Read the adventure here!) I asked him why and he told me that the bathroom is full of guys on their hands and knees looking for some guy’s contact lens… LMAO!

So as of yet, I had never stepped foot in that bathroom.

And even though I WAS nervous about going in, I force myself to stand up and walk!

The bathroom is right next to the entrance and the busy bar. The place is packed. Standing room only! The bar had about 50 people in it (happy hour), and the entrance was like an obstacle course. I had to maneuver my way through the crowd just to get to the Men’s Room.

I carefully weave through them, trying to avoid eye contact, and enter the bathroom.

I would have bet money on the fact that the bathroom was full… But when I go in, believe it or not, I was the only one in there.

How was this even possible?

I look over to the right, I see there are 2 urinals. I feel tension and anxiety building… I step up to urinal #2, unzip, hold my breath and wait.

I can hear lots of talking outside (the host stand is feet away). I feel that any minute the door will thrash open and someone will come in and step up to the only urinal left next to me (at least it did have small dividers).

I put it out of my mind and relax… It takes me about 30 seconds and finally I start to pee. And then once I start peeing, I can’t stop. I peed for quite a while. It felt great!

I emptied my bladder, washed up and went back out to eat.

And then, right before we left for the hour long drive back (and also another glass of water and a glass of wine), I head back into the men’s room one more time.

The bar and entrance was still crowded. People were everywhere, laughing, drinking, waiting… I step through the herd and make my way to the john.

I head in…

And I can’t believe it, I’m still the only guy in here!

What are the odds?

I go back to the 2nd urinal, and within 20 seconds I’m peeing (the second times always easier).

I empty my bladder all the way and feel great for the drive back.

It was a Very Successful Day!

It’s always scary being away from home for so long. But I came through with flying colors and that’s all that really matters.

I peed 4 times today. Twice at the Mall and twice at a busy restaurant.

I’m delighted with myself.

Little by Little…

Inch by Inch…

Paruresis is taking a back seat!

One day, it will release it’s death grip on me.

One day I’ll be a free man.

And maybe one day, who knows, maybe I’ll even stop writing about it! :)

This just goes to show you how desensitized I’m becoming…

Repeated Practice Does Pay Off!

I didn’t sleep too well last night, I tossed and turned, and so when I awoke I was really feeling tired (Hate that Feeling – I wake up Yawning, it’s just not right!)

And as I stumble into the Kitchen, I see Mike (my Pee Buddy) putting Dishes away.

He looks at me. I look back with one eye open (too tired to open both lol).

I grab a cup of coffee and say “Wanna Pee?” (Which actually means: I’m going to Pee now, come stand next to me!)

But now reading it, I guess it sounds more like a command you would give your dog “Wanna Pee? Go Outside? Huh? Huh? Huh?” LMAO!

I’m not right!

So he’s still putting dishes away and I mosey on over to the tiny Bathroom by the Kitchen (the one that’s barely big enough to stand in), and I’m so tired and out of it, that as soon as I stand at the toilet I start to pee…

Now this is funny…

I’ve always waited for Mike in the past. I stand there and wait until he comes to the open door, and then I proceed to pee.

But not Today!

Today I wasn’t even thinking, I just started peeing…

And suddenly Mike (who must have heard me peeing), came running, bolting, flying into the hallway, sliding across the tile in his bare socks and slamming, crashing into the door frame.

BAM!!!! CRASH!!!! BOOM!!!!

He says “I guess you had to go!“

I look his way. That’s when I realized for the first time that I was already peeing and not waiting for him. Oops! It was quite hilarious!

“I guess so” I replied. And the entire time that he was there, breaking down the door frame and all, I didn’t stop peeing, I just kept on going.

That’s incredible to me!

Normally I would freeze up, hesitate, weaken, something… but I wasn’t thinking about peeing, I wasn’t thinking about Mike coming, I wasn’t thinking about anything really… Just standing there half asleep and letting Mother Nature take her course.

I remember 4 months ago, just the sight of Mike or a simple glance from him would be enough to lock me up. And now a bomb pretty much explodes next to me and I’m still peeing. HAHAHA! Gotta love that!

Practice and Continuous Desensitizing Works!

Now, if only I could go back to bed…

I don’t know if I’ll ever be fully “cured” from Paruresis, but days like today give me great hope.

I did my normal “Fluid Loading” before I left the house (16 oz. of water), and by the time I get to Costco, I have to pee pretty badly.

I walk into the bathroom and see that the bathroom is empty except for one Employee who is using the last stall. I can tell it’s an Employee because the whole time I was in there his walkie-talkie kept going off!

RUDE!

No matter though, I started to pee pretty quickly. I peed for at least 2 full minutes. I’m sure the employee was trying to figure out if he was alone or not (to push or not to push?) because I stood there for so long quietly… I couldn’t even hear myself peeing. Some urinals are noiseless!

After that, I shopped and then right before I leave…

I decide to Urinate once more!

I walk into the Men’s Room, but this time I see one guy drying his hands, and another guy, a young masculine guy, combing his hair in the mirror.

Usually young guys really intimidate me (must be from all the bullying in High School). He glances at me as I enter.

I move up to the first urinal and try to put it out of my head.

I also hold my breath for I know I’m nervous and intimidated and need all the help I can get…

I stood there for 15 seconds quietly trying to calm my heart rate…

And then I Start to Pee!

YES!!!

I casually glance sideways a little (because the guy was quiet as well), and I see him still looking into the mirror fixing his tie.

I relax, look down, and just continue to pee.

Finally I can hear his footsteps behind me, he’s leaving the bathroom.

I’m proud of the fact that I was able to pee under pressure. And I peed the entire time he was there. That’s cool!

I’m actually a little Surprised at this! ;)

And, as I’m finishing up, another guy comes in and goes to Urinal #3. I empty my bladder, shake, and move to the sink.

If only all days were like this one!

I just need to get to the point where I can do this without Fluid Loading! That’s the true test!

Like Last Night for Example…

Last night I went out to eat at my favorite restaurant. The one where I’ve not been able to pee yet in that bathroom. Well, I didn’t have an urge to pee, which sucks, but I also didn’t want to just sit there in my seat and not try. I hate that feeling because it’s Paruresis pushing it’s thumb down on me.

And since I always need to desensitize (especially in bathrooms that scare me), I got up and went to the Men’s Room.

As I enter I see one guy at the sink, and one guy at the first urinal. I walk by them and go up to the very last urinal (in the corner).

I knew I probably wouldn’t be able to go, since I really had zero urge, but I wanted NEEDED to stand there and soak it all in.

Why does this Bathroom Intimidate me so much?

I just don’t know!

I stood there for 3 minutes, all the other guys left… And then I finally zip up and leave.

I’m hoping that by desensitizing in there that eventually I will be able to go. It just wasn’t in the plan for tonight…

No urge. No luck. Not going to happen!

So you see, I still need some work. I was going to Fluid Load before I left the house, but I ran out of time, something pressing came up and I darted around right up until the last minute. So I was NOT Prepared!

Another Day, Another Time Perhaps!

Tomorrow I will have some fun though. Tomorrow I’m heading out all day to a Mall an hour away, and then a nice Steak House (which was planned 2 weeks ago and fell short because of the horrible weather).

So I’ll be out all day with people that don’t know I’m Pee Shy. And, what will make it interesting is the fact that I do plan on Fluid Loading, for I really want to pee at the mall and the restaurant. I just need to be sly about it so it’s not too weird or obvious… “Why are you guzzling bottles of water?” LMAO!

Either way, I’m looking forward to it. New places, new chances to Pee in Public Bathrooms!

Because I do LOVE Peeing in Public!

Don’t you?

I read something today that made me stop and re-read it.

Is said:

Comfort is the Enemy of Achievement!”

See it here…

It really hit a nerve with me!

It’s so true!

It’s something that any Paruretic should remind themselves of each and every day.

Comfort IS the Enemy!

If you want to succeed, to achieve your goals in life, you’ll need to push yourself beyond your limits. You’ll have to take yourself into uncomfortable territory… Where fear resides!

See, staying “comfortable” with oneself, is staying “safe“, which means, avoiding the issue. Staying in your seat versus getting up to go to the bathroom is saying to yourself “I feel good staying right here, I can hold my urine for another 2 hours… no problem!” This is staying comfortable. Not wanting the discomfort of having to act!

Because Actions = Results!

We all say to ourselves “There’s no reason in the world to put myself into uncomfortable situations!“

And that, is the root of all Evil!

Because no one wants to ADD discomfort to your life… BUT YOU MUST!

If you want to truly overcome this scared feeling. This uneasiness. This trepidation of Peeing in front of guys in a busy bathroom… Then you MUST face that demon every chance you get. You MUST keep trying until it becomes second nature to you.

You can’t let your shyness manipulate your future!

You can’t be comfortable. You won’t make progress that way. You must feel the nervousness and confront it!

Only then will you surpass those issues and make them fade away, dissolve into the past.

It’s comfort!

It’s your Worst Enemy!

So if it feels okay, or good, and you’re fine with that… Then you’re really never recovering like you should. You’re taking a back seat to your Paruresis.

So all those times when I still sit there in the restaurant and DON’T go to the john because “I don’t have an urge”, “I don’t really have to go”, “I can hold it”, “I didn’t Fluid Load”, then it AVOIDS it once again.

Those are the times where I need to push myself even more. Force myself no matter what. Don’t listen to the Paruresis talking… Just do it!

Go for it!

Even if I don’t have an urge to pee, I should still enter the bathroom. Keep desensitizing. Keep facing reality! I don’t care if I think I’ll fail, if I think I won’t be able to pee… Because that in itself is making you fail. But if you get up and go anyway, pee or not, you’re still forcing yourself out of your comfort zone and into recovery.

I need to work more on this!

To Try! To attempt to stand there at the Urinal every chance I can, just to squash those fearful moments. To let my anxiety calm down. To relax. To breath. Too see that there’s nothing to be scared of. It’s all in my head!

I may not have to pee, but I can pretend. And maybe then I will pee. Who knows? I could surprise myself. But as long as I avoid it, I’ll never know, and my Shy Bladder WINS!

It’s a Problem I face every day!

It’s comfort. It’s tough to make yourself step over your boundaries. But you need to push yourself. It’s hard. You won’t like it. You’ll want to fight it every step of the way. After all, you’ll have to go where you don’t want to go!

But “Comfort” really means “Fail“, and that’s something you don’t want!

So be “uncomfortable”, and eventually, you will “succeed”! :)

So today, since we’re heading out to Walmart, I figure it’s the perfect opportunity to Fluid Load while we’re out.

I start drinking water. I guzzle 1 bottle in about 5 minutes. And then about 1/2 hour later, I guzzle another 16 oz. bottle of water.

The only thing that I dislike about drinking so much water is that it makes me feel like a fish. I’m bloated, swimming, and sloshing around in liquids. It makes me feel quite full!

But hey, it makes the urge to pee great, and that urge overpowers the timid, scared feeling that Paruresis brings. So it’s all good! :)

By the time we leave the house…

I already have to Pee!

We get to Walmart, I tell Mike “I’m going to the bathroom” and he says he needs to go too.

So we head towards the john. He walks in front of me and as we walk in some dude is walking out and just about runs into us. “Watch where you’re going!“

Walmart has 3 urinals with dividers directly opposite the sinks… and all 3 urinals are empty.

Mike looks at me and says “Which one do you want?” (not knowing what my desensitization requires). I nod at the first one. He takes the last.

Within a couple of seconds, I can hear him peeing already.

I’m holding my breath and putting slight pressure on my bladder by pushing down… it works quickly.

10 seconds later I’m Peeing as well!

Mike finishes and moves to the sink. I can see him in my peripheral vision, he’s a couple feet off to the side…

I keep on Peeing!

He leaves and I’m still peeing. lol

In fact, I must have peed for a good 2 minutes, and all the time, not one other guy came in.

Which surprises me!

I could hear lots of noise in there since there are no bathroom doors (just open entrances). You can hear the cashiers ringing people up. You can hear talking in the ladies room. Toilets flushing. Sinks, Dryers…

And all the time I peed until my bladder was totally empty.

Ahhhhhhhh!

After shopping for 1/2 hour, we check out and I tell Mike “I’m going to pee once more!“

(After all, I had 32 oz. of water to dump!)

I head into the Bathroom!

There’s a big black guy at the sink (looks like the Incredible Hulk). He looks at me as I come in. I glance at him and shift my focus to the urinals. They are empty again. I step up to the first one which is just feet beside him.

I hold my breath as he washes his hands.

20 Seconds later, I finally begin to pee.

Another guy comes in as the Hulk leaves!

This guy goes up to the third urinal. He starts to pee quickly and I just keep on peeing without skipping a beat.

Finally I finish and move away.

It’s the best feeling in the world to be able to pee in public. To be able to pee in urinals with other guys behind me, coming and going, is beyond all comprehension.

I love it!

Now, if there was a way to do this 100% of the time, without Fluid Loading, then that would be a miracle! :)

This week has been Murder on me!

I pulled a muscle in my back on Wednesday and it pretty much laid me up all week.

That Sucks!

I went out on Monday, Peed Twice at Costco, then I haven’t Peed in Public since!

I never expected to be laying in bed, it hurts to even sit at my computer. I’m not very happy about that! But there’s not much I can really do about it, except heal.

I told Mike that I was sad because this is the first week this whole year that I haven’t successfully Peed 3 times in Public Bathrooms.

But, the more I think about that, the more I realize that’s wrong anyway.

You see, last year I wasn’t even Peeing in Public at all.

My New Year’s Resolution was still to Desensitize in Bathrooms (enter at least 3 of them), but my Goal was to actually only Pee in ONE of them!

ONE!

So even during my worst week, this week, I was still able to Pee Twice!

So should I be complaining?

No! Not in the Least!

I’d love to Pee at least 3 times in Public a Week. But I have had weeks where I’ve Peed 8 or 10 times successfully, so it all balances out in the end.

Plus, I can’t help that I can barely walk now. I’ve had a bad back my whole life and sometimes it just gives out. Could you see me walking into a Restroom grunting and groaning? Wobbling my way up to a Urinal just to Piss? lol

That’s Not Going To Happen!

What I should do is to revamp my current situation and goals.

Mentally I guess, I’ve switched to Peeing in 3 Public Bathrooms a week. It just happened that way, and now every time I enter a Public Bathroom I’m Peeing, and that I kind of enjoy.

The whole concept of Public Bathrooms is still new to me. Last Year, up until I started to Desensitize (in October), I’d probably stepped foot in maybe 5 Bathrooms the entire year. It was something I just couldn’t do.

So for me to get to the point where I am now, where I can walk into them and Pee at Urinals with other guys around, is beyond all my wildest dreams.

It’s Incredible to Me!

I still Pee with my Pee Buddy at home, although I only make Mike stand there once a day now, versus every single time I pee.

Having someone near me as I urinate doesn’t feel so frightening anymore. I just try to think about other things. I know I still have a long way to go, but I’ve also come a long way.

I’m not worried about the future, I’m looking forward to it.

The future looks bright to me!

And that’s something I couldn’t say a year ago.

So don’t get too down on yourself.

This too will pass! :)

So I thought that I’d take a moment and discuss some interesting aspects of my Paruresis Recovery.

While sometimes it seems like I’m stepping backwards, other times it feels like I’m making huge leaps and bounds.

I suppose it will always be this way, and it doesn’t discourage me in the least. I actually expect it!

So here we go…

Twice in the last day I’ve passed up an opportunity to desensitize.

Once was at the Movie Theater. After the movie, Mike went into the bathroom to pee. I on the other hand didn’t have any urge to pee, so instead I waited outside for him. I could have gone in and just stood there, but what fun is that?

And last night, we went out to eat at Outback. And at the time, I did try to give myself an urge to pee. I mean, I drank 3 glasses of water and a glass of wine, but nope!

No Desire Started!

I find that if I’m in public, starting that “Must Pee” feeling is quite difficult. My Paruresis has been well trained. It automatically wants to look the other way… Avoid the topic.

If I’m at home though, I can trick it. I can get that “Go To The Bathroom” feeling, that happily sticks with me then until I finally pee. But in public already, it’s a whole different story.

So I’m still dealing with retraining my brain and getting the desire to pee when I’m already out and about. You’d think that 2 hours and 6 drinks would do it, but No-Sire-Bob. It’s good at masking and suppressing those urges.

And as I sit in the restaurant, hoping an urge would present itself, none did. RATS!

That Sucks!

For I know that if I don’t have an urge to pee… then actually being able to pee in public is pretty difficult… Even with Breath Hold. My anxiety is just too great and I expect failure, or at the least discomfort!

That Scares Me!

Eventually, with more practice and more attempts, I know I’ll be able to overcome these silly little behaviors, but until then, it’s still hit or miss.

Granted, it’s so much better than it ever used to be, it used to be I couldn’t go whatsoever, no matter what!

Now I can at least pee half of the time. :)

One More Interesting Tidbit…

Even though it’s still tough for me, without Fluid Loading and preparing ahead of time… I know that on some level, desensitizing is working!

Like Sunday for example, I’m standing in the bathroom peeing with the door open… I leave it open when it’s just me and Mike at home, that way I can desensitize more. He does the same thing, it’s no big deal. We’re Guys! We’re just Peeing! Who Cares?

So I’m standing there peeing Sunday and Mike happens to walk by. Usually I would freeze up and stop peeing, even for a couple of seconds… especially if it startled me, which it did.

But I Didn’t Lock up!

I just kept on peeing! That’s cool. My stream didn’t weaken in the least.

And then yesterday, it happened once again.

I’m peeing and he comes walking by with a load of laundry. I don’t stop pissing, I just keep on going.

That’s awesome to me!

These are the things that would normally stop the flow. I would do that standing at the urinals when guys would come and go and pass by me. So it seems like being around people as I pee is becoming more normal to me. I’m not so “JUMPY”!

Progress is still all over the Board!

I know that. I can still see and feel My Old Paruretic Ways, but not as much as before, and I am still having grand success as well! I’m Peeing in Public, at Urinals, with other guys around. I couldn’t ask for more!

So even though it feels sometimes that I’m back tracking, I’m still moving forward. Little by little. I suppose it all balances out in the end.

Someday I’ll have a 99% success rate. I can see it happening. And someday I won’t even have to think twice about peeing…

All good things to come!

As long as I never give in.

And never give up.

And that my friends, is something I don’t plan on doing.

Cheers!

So today, I load up on liquids before running out on errands.

I love to Fluid Load and it really seems like it works well. It makes me not only HAVE to Pee in Public, but WANT to Pee in Public!

It’s a Great Feeling!

By the time we get to Costco today, I have to Pee (I’ve only drank 32 oz. of water).

So as I turn the corner into the Men’s Room, I have to walk around some guy coming out (Hey, look where you’re going!) I can also hear the dryer’s blowing so I know the bathroom has more guys…

As I come around the bend, I see one guy at the dryers, one guy at the sinks, and believe it or not, but all 3 Urinals are empty!

Sadly, the Stalls weren’t!

Some guy was in one of the stalls making lots of gunfire commotion. Ratta-Tat-Tat! The place stinks like all-get-out!

I step up to the first Urinal, relax, and happily hold my breath.

I start to Pee within 10 seconds!

That’s about the time when a guy walks up to the second Urinal and starts to Pee.

I don’t look over, but I wonder why he picked the center Urinal versus the last ???

I finally finish peeing, and as I turn around I see that the 3rd Urinal is occupied as well.

Now I get it!

I didn’t even notice that some guy went up to the 3rd Urinal because I wasn’t paying attention to what was going on around me, I was looking down and thinking about peeing.

I wash up and leave, and after shopping for 1/2 hour, I decide to pee one more time before we leave.

I head to the Bathroom and walk in…

I see a guy, who looks like he was 15, standing at the center Urinal. He’s looking down and fidgeting…

The other two Urinals are Empty!

I walk up to the first Urinal again, and I walk up with zero hesitation… I act like I own the Urinal and I’m a man on a mission (I need to pee, get out of the way!)

I unzip, relax, and let the air out of my lungs. I hold my breath and settle in…

In about 15 seconds I start to pee. The kid next to me is still looking down, but he’s pretty quiet over there. I don’t hear any sounds.

Some other guy comes in and goes to the last empty Urinal. He starts to pee pretty quickly.

I stand there and pee for a good minute, I didn’t want it to end, it felt so good.

Finally I finish and notice that the kid is still fidgeting around, like he’s trying to get it all situated in whatever fly or contraption he has… ha! I briefly wonder if he’s also Pee Shy? Who knows?

I turn towards the sinks and get a little surprise…

There are two guys standing at the sinks, facing us, waiting for a Urinal…

Oh! I hadn’t even noticed!

The thing that I’m finding interesting is that I’m slowly being able to re-adjust my focus and thoughts while I’m in there. I’m no longer so worried about who’s in the bathroom, who’s coming and going, who’s watching and waiting…

I’m able to just clear my mind, relax, let my brain wander and think about something else as I pee.

It’s a pretty wild thing!

Desensitizing like this really does wonders, and I highly advise it!

I was originally scared to Fluid Load, and especially nervous about leaving the house with a Full Bladder, but it really has turned my entire world around. It works! It allows me to Pee in Public, and believe me, there are no words that can truly express that.

It’s like a dream come true!

If you haven’t tried Fluid Loading… TRY IT!

It can change your life!

Tonight we’re off to an Italian Restaurant, but not before Fluid Loading!

I started drinking 1/2 hour before we left. I drank a 16 oz. bottle of water, and then, right before we walk out the door, I guzzled ANOTHER 16 oz. bottle of water.

I didn’t have a big urge to pee yet, but yes, I could have peed. So I knew it was just a matter of time before all that water was going to hit me. :)

We get to the restaurant 1/2 hour later and they sit us down. I order a glass of Wine and MORE water!

Drink Up!

The funny thing is, they sat us close to the bathrooms. I could watch people coming and going all night, and what’s interesting is the fact that even though it was 6 pm, they still weren’t very busy. But then again, it was Thursday, and the Weather wasn’t nice… (Which is why the trip to the Mall up North and Steak House were Cancelled!)

And even though traffic to the johns was light, I was still apprehensive about using them. I always am in restaurants for some reason (maybe it’s because the people that pee in those bathrooms are in the same room as you, and may be facing you, or watching you. They know what you did in there, whether you Peed or NOT!).

I’ve been in that bathroom before. I remember hiding in the stall trying to Urinate… But I have no idea how many urinals there are, so I was nervous at what I’d find.

I asked Mike how many urinals this restaurant had earlier, and he said “I don’t know, I don’t even pay attention“.

That was No Help! lol

Not that I could say much, I don’t (or didn’t) pay attention to them either. Back before recovery started I never even looked their way. I never thought in my life that I’d be peeing in them.

By the time appetizers were done, I could tell that it was time for me to pee. It was on my mind and I was thinking more and more about the bathrooms, so…

I made my move!

I excused myself and headed for the Men’s Room.

As I pushed on the door, I could see that there’s an old guy, a really old guy (who can barely walk) drying his hands at the sink. He looks up at me as I walk by him. I see on the left that there are 2 Urinals. One short and one tall. The thing that’s cool about this set up is that the urinals are recessed into the wall. So when you’re standing at one you’re partially hidden by the dividing wall that sticks out. It gave you a lot of privacy. Very cool! (All Urinals should be like this)

As I step up to the tall urinal I happen to glance at the stall. The door was wide open and I vaguely remember sheltering myself in there and taking ten minutes to pee because I was so scared of someone else entering…

I push that though aside. That was something that I used to be!

I step up, Unzip and Wait!

I hold my breath a little, but the old guy finally exited the bathroom and it was just me. So I relaxed, exhaled, and concentrated on Peeing.

It didn’t take long!

15 seconds later a stream started. And the entire time that I peed not a single guy came in. Just Me, and the Urinal, and my Bladder being Emptied! What a relief!

I stand there and think about how often I find myself alone in public bathrooms. Much more than I would have ever thought. Probably about 80% of the time! Generally the only times when the bathrooms are busy are places like Airports, Casinos, Theaters and Arenas. Other than that, it’s pretty quiet stuff. One guy here, one guy there. No biggie!

I’m sure it’s because I’m not in the bathroom a long time anymore. I used to take 5-10 minutes trying to go… but now I’m in there in just under 2 minutes most of the time. I’m quick! I can Pee in Peace!

It actually floors me!

When I would lock myself in the stalls, I always had the impression that the bathrooms were so busy. I never felt alone. Just the sound of footsteps, or a noise outside would startle me enough to lock my bladder up. But I see now that most of it was all in my mind. It was Paruresis creating nightmares and making me scared. Every creak, every voice, every thump would spook me.

Not to mention the time frame!

It took forever for me to pee then. So of course many guys would come and go…

Not anymore! I get in, I get out. There really isn’t too much I need to worry about.

And as I experience that, I find it very refreshing. It soothes my mind and chips away at those frightened little behaviors and feelings. It breaks down my wall, and everyday, like today, that I achieve great success, it brings me one step closer to my goal: Freedom!

For I really do feel like a brand new person. I like the guy that I’ve become. I Like being able to Pee in Public. I Love Peeing in Urinals!

I still can’t wrap my head around that concept. I’m doing it! I’m there!

I’m Beating Paruresis!

I couldn’t ask for more!

Except for another round of drinks! :)

The plans tonight are to go out to eat at Chilis (I crave those Boneless Buffalo Wings), and so an hour before we leave the house, I start drinking water.

And by the time we head out the door, I’ve not only finished 1 bottle of 16 oz water, but I grabbed another bottle and chugged it.

Then we’re picking some friends up and off to Chilis we go!

By the time we get to the restaurant, I already had a small urge to Pee. It wasn’t a huge urge yet, like “Get outta my way I have to Pee!“, it was more of an urge that said “I could Pee, or I could wait!“

And that my friends, scared me!

That was Paruresis Talking!

So as soon as we sit down, I start drinking MORE water. I drank an entire glass in the first 10 minutes.

Appetizers came.

Another refill of water and a glass of Moscato.

Bring on the Liquids!

After the wings (really they are to die for) came, we finished them off and I knew it was time to make my move…

I still had only a slight urge to go, but I knew that if I waited much longer, the urge would dissolve and fade away. I didn’t want to have that happen.

So I excused myself and made my way to the hallway and the bathrooms in the back.

I pushed on the Men’s Door and entered!

There was no one in there. I had NEVER been in this restroom before, even though I’ve probably eaten in here about 50 times in the last 5 years.

Never once had I ever had the courage to go in…

Until Today!

There are 2 urinals and 2 stalls.

And the urinals were not nice. They were probably the Grossest Urinals I have ever seen. Both of them were full of Piss and other crap. I stopped and looked. Really? I almost walked away, they looked so bad and dingy and disgusting.

I don’t know if they were plugged, broken, or if people just didn’t flush them (they weren’t automatic), but they certainly made you think twice about using them.

I sighed, felt my heart begin to race more, stepped up to one of them (avoiding eye contact), unzipped and held my breath (holding my breath for Breath Hold, plus I didn’t know if it smelled or not – the Stench of Urine is Not Polite!)

I looked straight ahead and ignored the gross feelings… And within 20 seconds I was peeing.

I kept taking small sips of air while holding my breath because I wasn’t at full stream yet, and I feared I’d freeze up if someone were to walk in.

Finally I got going full steam and I peed for probably a good minute. I relaxed, exhaled, and enjoyed the feeling of voiding.

After my bladder emptied out, I flushed (not watching to see if it went down or backed up more), washed and left.

Keep the Drinks a Coming…

As I ate my meal, I drank my Wine and ANOTHER glass of water.

For I knew one very important thing… Once I start Peeing, I can keep on Peeing…

And my goal was to Pee one more time in that Bathroom (even though it needed desperate attention).

And so, right after our meal…

I made one last visit to the John!

Again, as I enter, I was the only one in there. Which is odd because the restaurant was packed. All the tables were full and yet, once more, I’m able to pee in silence.

How cool is that?

And yes, the Urinals were still full of Urine!

They had to be clogged…

Yuck!

No matter, I add more to the mix and Peed again.

And right before I finish, the door opens and some guy walks in. I didn’t look, but I could hear him go over to the sink, turn the water on, then dry his hands (sticky barbecue sauce maybe?).

As I flush and turn towards him, I see he’s looking at himself in the mirror. I briefly wonder if he’s Pee Shy and waiting for me to leave??? I always think about that now when I see other guys lingering in the bathroom… You never know!

So the bathroom at Chilis was a Success; 2 Urinals, 2 Pees…

I couldn’t be happier!

And as I left the restaurant I could hear myself say…

“I Want My Baby-Back, Baby-Back, Baby-Back Ribs!“

Now I got you saying it! HA! :)