Ranking my Paruresis

Just about 2 years ago (2-15-2012), I compiled a Bathroom Exposure List, that ranked my Phobia and what Scares me on a scale of 0-10.

I read that list today.

It’s All Hog Wash!

None of it makes any sense anymore, because I am NOT that same person that I once was.

The entire list was made through the eyes of one concept: STALLS!

You see, back then, those very few times that I would even step foot into a Public Bathroom, STALLS were the ONLY place I would TRY to Pee in.

Urinals were not ever a part of my Plan!

In fact, at that time in my life, before any of my Paruresis Recovery, I couldn’t even remember stepping up a Urinal… EVER!

It was either I used a stall, or nothing at all. That’s how bad I was. So Secretive and Shy!

So when I look at that list of things that I wanted to accomplish back then, I can’t even go by it… it’s all “Peeing in Stalls“, and I’ve only stepped foot in a couple of stalls in the last 4 months. So that list I created is now Useless and Irrelevant.

Ranking My Paruresis

I believe it’s time for an update… Because just look at what I was ranking 2 years ago:

  • 0 – Peeing at Home, Alone… That’s still no issue
  • 1 – Peeing in my House with someone close by (like on the other side of the door)… This is not a big issue since I now pee at home with my Pee Buddy standing directly next to me at the toilet
  • 2 – Single User Bathrooms! I barely had any problems with them then, and I still don’t now
  • 3 through 6 – were all different sized bathrooms, small, medium, large, with varying traffic, but again, this was only peeing in Stalls. I’ve been Peeing in Urinals now for over a month (and again, I haven’t really stepped foot in a stall for a long time, unless there were no other options – and that did happen twice!)
  • 7 – Intermission at a Play or Theater… YES this one is STILL on my new list (which is coming up). But I did Pee at the Theater just recently, just not during the time constraint of an intermission!
  • 8 – Airports! I have Peed in Airport Bathrooms recently (both there and back to Vegas), PLUS I also Peed on the Plane! But these are still High Anxiety Situations for me :)
  • 9 – Concerts, Arenas, Sporting Events… I Peed in an Arena on Sunday (Hockey Game). I haven’t gone to a Concert yet, but I did just buy tickets for one Yesterday (so it’s coming)
  • 10 – Bathrooms with No Stalls! This was my WORST fear 2 years ago. Peeing in Urinals!!!

To Quote my page 2 years ago, it said:

I CAN’T GO. I can’t even attempt to go. I stand there horrified, and am ashamed of having to turn around and bolt back out the door with a screaming bladder. There is no way…

Urinals are totally foreign to me and I can’t ever recall in my life using them. Ever!

Urinals are my Ultimate Nightmare!

WOW!

Now look at me… I’m Peeing in a Urinal at a Sporting Event, Peeing in Airports and on Planes. I’m Peeing with someone standing directly next to me, even staring directly at my junk…

What a difference 2 years make!

(Really, I should say the past 4 months, for I just started my change and Shy Bladder Recovery back in October 2013)

So what I need to do now, is to re-evaluate my terrifying list and re-rank my Bathroom Exposure needs!

So let’s begin once more. 0-10 (0 being the least of my fears, 10 being the MOST) things that I find difficult at this particular time in my life (now from a “Peeing in a Urinal” point of view).

You’ll see, some things have stayed the same, but the last part of the list has changed dramatically.

Bathroom Exposure List

  1. Peeing at Home Alone
  2. Peeing at Home with other people in the House
  3. Peeing in a Single User Locking Bathroom
  4. Peeing at Divided Urinals in a Public Bathroom that’s totally empty (and there’s plenty of Urinals)
  5. Peeing in a Large Bathroom, with plenty of Divided Urinals, and only one or two guys in there
  6. Peeing in a Medium Sized Bathroom, in a Divided Urinal with moderate traffic and lots of noise and commotion: Music, Dryers, Sinks…
  7. Peeing in a Smaller Bathroom that only has 2 or 3 Not Divided Urinals (Peeing next to someone and with a possible chance of someone else waiting for me to finish)
  8. Peeing with People Watching, like Bathroom Attendants, Lurkers, People Crapping in the Stalls, People Waiting Behind Me…
  9. Busy Bathrooms like Airports and Airplanes, Arenas, Concerts, Stadiums, Casinos… the fear increases as the amount of traffic and guys increase. Huge crowds send my Paruresis into overdrive. Especially if there are limited spots to Pee, and people are Waiting and Watching (seeing that you’re not Peeing!)
  10. Peeing at Theaters, Plays, Live Performances! Especially at Intermission! The time constraints of a live show really mess with me. You’re under the gun. Plus, there’s always a line out the Door, the Door’s propped open… it’s the worst stress that I could think of… Other than…
  11. Peeing in a Trough! I can’t even imagine walking into a bathroom with nothing but a big open trough (like a Metal Bin that makes loud noises when you Pee). All those Guys just Walking up around you, Shoulder to Shoulder, Unzipping and Pissing in the center just frighten me! The horrors! You’re really on total display in those bathrooms. I don’t ever see that happening. And I’m just happy to say that so far, I’ve never run across one in the States. I’ve only seen pictures of them on the internet (mostly in Europe – how do you guys do it?)

So there you go…

A brand NEW top 10 list!

It looks so different to me now. All of them could be better or worse depending on Time Limits, People Watching, Friends Peeing with Me, People Chatting, Fluid Loading, Breath Hold, Panic Attacks

But what makes it all interesting is the fact that I’m doing most of this in Urinals now. A little here, a little there, I’m accomplishing my list with mixed results. All it takes is more practice!

One thing I do know… Stalls are a thing of the past! They aren’t part of my equation anymore!

NO MORE HIDING MY SHAME!

So while I have good days, and bad, I am still making great progress.

I mean, I am walking into Public Bathrooms now. I am drinking plenty of Fluids away from Home. I am Stepping up to Urinals. I can get Breath Hold to work (most of the time). I am Peeing with a Pee Buddy. I’ve Peed with People Watching. I’ve Peed in Bathrooms with just 1 Urinal. I’ve Peed in Airports, Arenas, Casinos… I’m doing things I’ve only dreamed of.

So no matter what, I should never consider what I’m doing a failure. Far from it!

And, when I look at that old list, it really is amazing to see where I’ve come. It’s like a whole different universe. It’s mind boggling!

I still have plenty of work to do, and I’ll probably work on it my entire life, but I CAN Pee in Public now, and you can’t take that from me!

And what’s weird is…

I WANT to Pee in Public (which is changing the way I think)! I’m forcing myself to Pee in Public. Face My Fears! Squash it! For it doesn’t scare me so much anymore. I can feel it slipping away, ever so slowly…

I AM Peeing at Urinals. I’m Peeing in Busy Bathrooms. I’m Peeing for all to see!

I’m not trying to disappear in a stall anymore. I’m out there!

This is Me!

I’m Free!

Posted in Paruresis Help | 2 Comments

Paruretic at a Hockey Game

Yesterday was a most interesting experiment in Paruresis 101.

I’m fighting this Social Disorder and it’s a constant battle!

Some Days you Win, Some Days you Lose; Yesterday was a little bit of both.

It all started around 3 p.m…

I’m drinking water at home (Very Brave of Me). Especially since I’d be out on the town ALL NIGHT!

We were going to eat at Frickers, and then we were off to a Hockey Game! And before I head out… I’m drinking like usual (Like I was NOT going out and NOT Dehydrating myself).

I drank Coffee, and around 3-ish, I drank 8 oz of water.

That should help give me an “urge“, because my goal was to Pee at the Arena! (Come Hell or High Water)

4 p.m. We Leave

We get to the restaurant, me and 4 other friends of mine, and I order a Root Beer (my Favorite Soda). I make sure that I drink the ENTIRE glass!

“Come on Urge!”

By 5:30, we were full and heading towards the game. I really was excited about tonight. I Soooooo wanted to Pee at the Arena!

And by the time we park, walk the Cold Parking Garage, get in, and find our seats…

I have to Pee!

So I excuse myself, and make my way to the bathroom (it was easy since I was sitting on the end and could come and go without bothering anyone else). I walk up the stairs, turn the corner, and the Men’s Bathroom is right there.

I Head In

I was expecting to see like 20 Urinals and plenty of Stalls… But what I see about floored me. I see 5 Urinals and 2 Stalls

I could feel my heart rate increase greatly.

WOW!

Those odds are NOT good! Chances are high that some guy will be on either one side or the other as I Pee! (If not on BOTH sides!)

I take a couple of deep breaths (which was probably the wrong thing to do), and head up to the last urinal on the right (#5). Another guy was already peeing in #2.

A couple of more guys were at the sinks, and both stalls were full…

I unzip, situate myself and HOLD MY BREATH!

“I can do this” I thought

I held my breath, and held it…

I could feel my heart beating quite heavily in my chest. It was pumping madly. My head began to pulse as well. I was struggling BIG TIME!

I tried desperately to calm myself and relax…

A guy enters the John and steps up to urinal #4. I feel the pressure and more anxiety sets in. My chest is screaming for air. My brain is on fire…

My lungs are Spasming, trying to expand…

And all the while I’m still not peeing, still holding on for dear life.

“Just a little more” I think

I remember what Dominic said in his Breath Hold Advice:

“If you’re not peeing, you’re not holding your breath long enough”

I’m trying!

My chest starts pulsing, my head is about to burst.

Finally I feel my Pelvic Floor drop and a little urine comes out.

And then I lock up once more!

I can’t hold my breath anymore for I felt like I would pass out. I inhale slowly (so no one would know), and try to calm my body.

My head swoons, my chest hurts… It actually felt tender, like it was bruised.

I have NEVER felt anything like it. I would imagine that it was like some sort of Panic Attack. It wouldn’t let me calm down enough to hold my breath. My heart rate was too great.

I stood there for a minute and rubbed my chest. A couple of times before, in high anxiety situations, I have felt some discomfort after Breath Hold, but nothing like this! This was extreme. It almost scared me (Am I going to give myself a Heart Attack?)

That’s Crazy!

I washed my hands and left the bathroom with my tail between my legs. I went back to my seat with a Full Bladder that did nothing but distract me for another period.

Everyone else was enjoying the game (and it was a GREAT game), but I was thinking more about my misfire, trying to analyze it (cause that’s what I do). Was it those deep breaths I took before Breath Hold, I remember the Breath Hold Advice (linked above) that said NOT to do that. Did I have too much air in my lungs? Did I not let enough out??? Did I not produce enough CO2 (Carbon Dioxide)? What gives?

I decide to push myself further. I buy a 32 oz. soda. I drank that for the next 10 minutes… And then halfway through the second period, I decide to try again.

After all, I have been drinking all night long, and I did have a pretty good urge to go (Attempting Breath Hold actually gives me more of an urge).

I head into the Bathroom

There’s a guy at Urinal #1, and Urinal #5. Oh Crap! My heart begins to thump. There’s also someone in the stall making a LOT of noise… And there is a Father and his 2 young kids at the sink… (which is directly across from the Urinals).

I step up to Urinal #3, DEAD CENTER!

Now, no matter who walks in to Pee, they’ll HAVE to take up a spot right next to ME!

JOY!

I stand there and deep breath trying to relax my body (again the wrong thing to do). I feel tension leave my neck, shoulders, chest and body…

I expel 75% of the air in my lungs and hold it!

That’s when Bigfoot walks in!

Seriously, this guy is BIG, he’s like 8 feet tall. He comes up to Urinal #4. I barely glance his way (you couldn’t help not to), and I see he towers way above me (I’m 5’10”)

So when he’s standing there, looking down, he’s pretty much seeing everything else around him. Including ME! And, the fact that I’m just standing there NOT Peeing!

I try to ignore this!

My head starts swimming again. I’m holding my breath and waiting for it to work. 20 Sec. 30 Sec. 40…

Finally about 50 seconds into Breath Hold I pee a little…

The valve opens.

The valve closes.

FUCK!

I keep holding my breath encouraging it to continue. My chest starts to hurt again. I keep holding… All the time I also try to relax my entire body and not worry about the guy next to me.

“Let it Go, Let it Go!” I think

I pee another couple of squirts, and then I’m done. Exhausted. I have to breath again.

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

I stand there for another moment as Bigfoot finishes and leaves. Another guy comes in and grabs Urinal #2 (the other side of me).

I start Breath Hold once more!

I was determined to get this to work… For I know I HAD to go. It was so uncomfortable.

I MUST GO!

There’s no way that I could wait until I got home. No way! I’ve had too much to drink. It’s crazy when you feel like you’ll piss your pants, but nothing comes out. It’s so BS!

I keep holding my breath and relaxing my body. And then, right as the guy next to me finishes up, I start to pee.

I peed for a couple of seconds, and then it locked up again!

This is useless! I’m over it. My chest hurt. My face felt flush. I’m tired of trying… Not cool!

Why can’t I get Breath Hold to work today?

It really is hit or miss…

Well, after another 1/2 hour, a couple of more goals (with lots and lots of FIGHTS), and a bag of Popcorn later…

Paruretic at a Hockey Game

I decide one last time to try to Pee!

I HAD TO!

I was too uncomfortable just sitting there. All I was thinking about was going. And it was a long cold 45 minute drive home, so I had no choice. I HAD to Pee here!

I head to the Bathroom!

I go in. There is only one guy peeing, he’s at Urinal #2. I feel good about this since I could grab the Last Urinal #5.

And this time as I approach, I decided to SKIP Breath Hold. My chest still hurt from the last time and I didn’t want to die in the restroom. HA! (No Joking!)

Plus, it seemed like holding my breath under those very stressful situations was actually making matters worse. It increased my anxiety because I was trying too hard…

So I stood there and relaxed. 1 Minute goes by. Guys are coming and going around me, #1, #3, #4, and all the time I’m just relaxing and looking down. Trying to ease my mind and coax myself to Pee… I was so close!

The good thing about these Urinals is the fact that they have dividers between them, and those dividers are pretty large, they give you a lot of privacy (unless you’re next to Bigfoot).

1 1/2 Minutes go by…

(I didn’t actually time myself, so I’m just guessing, for all I know it could have been 30 seconds…)

And then it happened…

I Started to Pee!

I Peed and Peed and Peed!

I stood there and Peed until my Bladder was Empty!

I Peed at the Hockey Game!

I was very happy for myself. FINALLY! But I was also sad because it took me 3 attempts, AND Breath Hold DID NOT WORK!

But I Peed! And I Peed under the most stressful situation I have been in… The only thing worse would have been a line of guys behind me!

I went back to the game and sat down. We scored 2 more goals and won the game.
Now I could have Peed once more before we left the Arena (after I Pee, I can usually Pee again and again and again), but there was no way. It would have put too much pressure on me with all my friends waiting outside, plus the bathrooms would have been cram-packed… So I waited.

I waited until we got in the car… Just Mike (My Pee Buddy) and I. And I told him:

“I want to Pee again Before we go Home!”

For the last thing I wanted tonight was to have to hold it… I wanted to Empty my Bladder while I was out!

I want a Coffee anyway” he says, and so we swing into McDonalds.

As we enter, I head towards the bathroom. I go in. There are 2 Urinals here (and who knows how many stalls, I’m not really looking at them anymore), both Urinals are Empty.

I go to the furthest one, unzip, and wait.

And just like when I Peed at the game, I decide NOT to use Breath Hold, and just stand there and relax.

And within a minute, I WAS PEEING!

I peed until I was empty, and I flushed, washed and left happy.

Then I felt better about the night. I wasn’t going home needing to urinate.

So while this was a crazy night, full of set backs and successes, it is still a learning experience. I learned that I can Pee in an busy Arena WITHOUT Breath Hold!

And that’s amazing to me. I would have never imagined that. And the more I think about Breath Hold not working, I really do believe that it failed because of heightened anxiety. I was just too anxious. I need to learn to relax more. Calm my nerves (and not do Deep Breaths Beforehand!)

The more and more I practice, the more my tension will gradually disperse and fade away.

But you know what?

Maybe I’m expecting too much too soon?

After all, that is one of my highest anxiety producers on my Bathroom Exposure List.

So maybe I just need to work up to that level, instead of shooting from #6 to #10, just take it more gradually, little by little, baby steps.

It does make Sense!

But then again, I DID Pee at the Hockey Game. And that’s HUGE!

So while I’m not totally happy with my goals or the way it worked out, I still did accomplish Peeing… SCORE!

Was it a Trick Shot?

Nope!

It was just a Change on the Fly! :)

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6 Drinks at the Restaurant

You take some you lose some!

Paruresis is a BITCH!

Once you think you’ve got it licked, it rears it’s ugly head again.

I guess that it shouldn’t surprise me any. After all, I have had Shy Bladder Syndrome for OVER 40 years now.

That’s a LONG time!

But I still work on it daily, and I refuse to give in, nor give up!

Last night, I go out to eat with a bunch of my friends. It’s a favorite dive and my goal was to not only step foot in that bathroom (something I rarely do), but also to Pee in the Urinal! (Something I have NEVER done there!)

So I make sure that I keep drinking coffee before we head out the door. I certainly didn’t want to dehydrate myself like usual.

Plus, I only Peed once before I left, versus 2 or 3 times. I tell you, I’m pushing my limits to the max!

At the restaurant, I make sure that I drink a LOT!

A LOT, A LOT!

I had 2 Glasses of Wine (Moscato – I love it!) and 4 Glasses of Water!

I was drinking like a fish. Way more than my normal 1/4 glass minimum.

I was trying to force a high urgency to Pee, for I really was looking for success in that bathroom.

The weird thing is, I didn’t have a high urge (although if I was home, I’m sure I could have gone). Paruresis does a pretty good job at masking my urgency and acting like it’s nothing to be concerned about.. Just ignore it, I got you covered… (It’s been trained my whole life).

So after Dessert, I decide it’s time to try!

I Excuse Myself and Head to the Bathroom!

I go in. I’m the only one in there.

There are 3 urinals past the sinks on the right…

6 Drinks at the Restaurant

3 Stalls are directly across from them. I walk up to the very last urinal, unzip, hold my breath and wait.

I can tell that I’m anxious because for some reason, I have a very hard time holding my breath. In fact, I’m doing a horrible job at it. My heart was racing like crazy… I’ve always had a fear of this bathroom, lord knows why. It’s usually pretty busy and although it’s a medium-sized john, it still feels Small, Cramped and Claustrophobic. Plus, I feel like any second the door will bang open and someone will enter…

I Try to Relax!

I try to put it all out of my mind, but my Breath Holding is broken and patchy. I keep having to take short sips of air in order to hang on. I keep trying to Pee, I know I could, but it’s not happening. I wouldn’t have thought being alone in a bathroom would be difficult. But there’s something about this particular bathroom that really pushes my buttons…

Maybe I drank too much? Maybe I waited too long? Maybe I’m too full?

I finally get to the point where a tiny, squirt of piss comes out… And then I have to gasp!

NOT COOL!

BREATH HOLD FAIL!

I chalk it up to not a high enough urgency. Who knows? Trying to force yourself to Pee is NOT easy!

If an urgency is there, I can usually go. But without one, it’s like beating my head against the wall.

I tried once more. It didn’t work. I gave in and left the bathroom.

Not too long after that we left the Restaurant.

We go over a Friend’s House!

They have a small bathroom next to their Kitchen (just like we do). I’ve always had a hard time Peeing in that bathroom. Especially if everyone is in the Kitchen, which is a normal gathering spot.

So I tell myself that I would try to Pee there, using Breath Hold of course… Because after that 1/2 hour drive, I could finally feel an urge to Pee (I’m sure this was brought on by the Cold Weather).

So I go into the small bathroom, with barely enough room to stand…

I can hear everyone chatting and laughing just a few feet away

I Unzip, Hold my Breath and Wait!

And that did it!

Within 30 seconds of using Breath Hold, I began to Pee!

And interestingly enough, I noticed pretty quickly that I was instinctively Peeing on the side of the toilet bowl (being quiet), which is something that I haven’t done in years!

Odd!

As soon as I noticed that, I corrected myself and aimed my stream into the water bowl making loud splashing noises.

NO MORE HIDING!

So I Peed, emptied my bladder, and felt much better about the night.

And then once home, I Peed again, and again, and again. It finally caught up with me! :)

So while Breath Hold was difficult at the restaurant, I was still able to Pee before I got home.

Things I Accomplished Tonight:

  1. I Loaded up on Fluids
  2. I Stepped into a Scary Bathroom
  3. I Peed a Squirt in the Urinal
  4. I Peed at a Friend’s House with People close by
  5. I made Loud Peeing Noises
  6. I Emptied my Bladder

So it wasn’t a Total Wash…

But it does go to show that Paruresis will always be a Rollercoaster Ride (as can be expected).

I will have great times, and poor times. But all in all, I am still pushing forward, and still Desensitizing, and still practicing Breath Hold every day!

I feel a little disappointed about tonight, but I still faced my fears, and that’s the important thing.

It may take me a lifetime to Overcome Paruresis, but it’s still better than being handcuffed to home.

Wouldn’t you Agree?

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3 Big Events Coming

I must be crazy!

Or enjoying a little recovery because I have 3 HIGH ANXIETY Events planned and coming up.

THREE!

One is just in 2 days; that’s a Hockey Game where we’ll eat at Fricker’s before we go to the arena (love those Wings).

And then I have a Concert in a couple of months…

3 Big Events Coming

AND I just made plans for Opening Day at the Ball Game! (Which will probably be the most packed crowd of the season).

Those are some HUGE Events and I’m excited to see my Breath Hold in action.

Finally, I can Pee in Peace!

I’m a little nervous about them though. I’m sure things like this will always make me a little nervous my whole life. But I also feel excited as I see and feel that my anxiety is slowly dissipating and slipping away.

It has no choice to!

The more and more success I have, the more I’ll see that there really is no reason to be tense.

For I CAN and AM able to Pee in Public!

It’s just difficult to let 40 years worth of learned behavior go…

Someday I hope to look back on all this, like a distant memory, and think to myself “I can’t believe that scared me!

Because bathrooms really aren’t that bad anymore. It’s just people peeing. Who cares?

So even though those Events are already seared in my brain, and I’m thinking about the bathroom situations, I feel like I’ll come out alright.

Pee, Enjoy the Night, and shift the focus to the Main Event:

Scoring the Goal!

Up until then, I’ve been practicing Breath Hold each and every time that I Pee (Non-Stop Practice).

I’m getting used to that “Gasping for Air” and “Uncomfortable Feeling“.

I’m not fearing it so much.

I know that’s necessary and that’s the “Sweet Spot“. The point that matters the most!

Without it, there would be NO PEE!

So I deal with it!

Practice makes perfect, eh?

I talked to Mike about the fact that it’s a little bit harder for me because of my urine stream. It’s not as strong as it used to be (unless I Fluid Load).

This may be partly because I feel like have an Enlarged Prostate (welcome to life guys). So it’s not so easy for Breath Hold to get me to that “Full Stream” mode.

I have to work on it. It is what it is. And it IS working!

So I won’t complain too much about that.

I’m Peeing In Public

I’m Peeing in Urinals (I’ve lost track of how many successful times I’ve now Peed in Urinals), and I feel like my future is GRAND!

And no matter what…

I feel like my GOAL is already WON! :)

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Paruresis Recovery Day 100

I’m practicing Breath Hold more than ever.

I know I’m close to mastering this all the way. I feel like I’m 90% there, for I CAN use Breath Hold in public, and it DOES work!

I only have issues using it in very high anxiety situations, like when guys are waiting directly behind me, right next to me, or there’s only 1 urinal… Things like that.

All in all, Breath Hold is working and I can use it to pee in public without having to race back home to pee in a “safe” toilet (boy I hated those days).

So I’m much grateful for that. But the other day “Being Witnessed” was difficult!

That was much more difficult than I anticipated. I thought I’d have no issues, especially since I’ve been peeing with my Pee Buddy for 4 months now…

But I couldn’t go with him staring directly at my dickey-do.

Not that I really wanted him to (and not that he wanted to), but David Soucy made a very good point in his book “Pee Shy to Pee Free” (page 56). He says:

“I was so avid to beat this thing”

David made them stand in front of him and face him, and then stare directly as his you-know-what!

And if the guy looked away, he would tell them to look back, and he says:

“Why not go for broke in attacking your inhibition? Looking away is in itself a shame-based behavior and you do not need someone else’s shame.”

GREAT POINT!

I fully agree with that. It’s not about THEM, it’s about YOU!

And I have had enough shame to last a lifetime!

So this morning, I get up, and I tell Mike that I want to repeat that experiment once more. I want to have him stand next to me, and as I pee, I want him to look at it, directly at it!

(That’s such a scary thing to do and ask!)

I had quite an urge to go this morning (as most mornings), and within 30 seconds of doing Breath Hold, urine started coming out.

It came out slow and weak to start. Then it tapered off and stopped! WTF?

I was still holding my breath too! So I kept holding it for a good full minute before the flow finally started up again. WOW! That was difficult!

10 seconds later, I got it going full stream!

And that stream didn’t let up for 2 full minutes! lol Mike even commented on it because we were both just standing there for so long… He said “Damn you’re peeing a lot!

HA! That I was!

So then, later on that day, we’re heading out to run some errands and I decide to guzzle a bottle of water before I went out the door. (I love that I can now do that)

And by the time we get to Menards, I had to pee!

I walk into the bathroom, one guy is walking out. I’m the only one in there. I step up to the short urinal this time (just for kicks), hold my breath, and wait!

I start to pee soon, and I continue to hold my breath, but this time, I take in small, very small sips of air in through my nose (like I learned from various people leaving comments and in my Breath Hold Post here and here).

I took in just enough air to give me some oxygen so I wouldn’t GASP, but not enough to make my Sphincter tighten up again.

It Worked Perfect!

1/2 hour later, we’re now at Meijers buying vegetables and I head into the bathroom.

What a SMALL bathroom they had!

There was only ONE urinal and ONE stall! WOW! (I sure do hate these types of bathrooms!)

The odds are so great that someone will be behind you or waiting for you at any given time.

And as I walk in, some guy is at the sink… The sink is right next to the urinal! There was just a little bitty divider separating the two…

Paruresis Recovery Day 100

Oh boy…

I step up to the urinal, unzip and hold my breath.

By now, he’s finished washing and goes to dry his hands behind me. 20 seconds… 30 seconds… I hear the door open and footsteps come in. The guy drying his hands heads out. One of the new guys is talking loudly, having a conversation…

GREAT! Now guys are behind me waiting… watching…

40 seconds… I keep holding my breath and relaxing my body (it’s amazing how tense your body, shoulders, chest and arms get without you knowing)…

And then I Pee!

I hear the guy speaking go into the stall next to me (I’m not paying attention to what he’s saying, I’m concentrating on my stream). He pees loud and fast

I keep thinking that the other guy is standing behind me watching. But at that point, I didn’t care, because I was peeing and he would be able to see that.

I did have to take in small bits of air through my nose (in frequent intervals), just to keep the stream from breaking.

Which it didn’t, so I was extremely happy for that.

Taking in those little “sips” is working well and allowing me to hold my breath much longer than normal. That way I don’t lock up, and I keep on peeing!

The stall guy finishes peeing, flushes, and walks out of the bathroom (no washing?)

That’s about the same time that I finish, flush and turn around…

There’s no one behind me!

No one was waiting. I was alone in the restroom.

The talker must have either been crazy talking to himself, or he was chatting on the phone (chatting and using the bathroom at the same time, considerate for the other person on the line…)

See what your mind does to you?

It dreams up scary shit that just isn’t true!

That was a tough bathroom to pee in, but I held it together well.

Breath Hold is still highly uncomfortable for me, and sometimes it does make my head and chest hurt, but it does work!

It’s still better than NOT peeing in public (which is uncomfortable and painful as well)…

So you pick your Battles!

Discomfort for a minute?

Or Discomfort all day long?

See what I mean?

I’m certain that everyone will take one over the other.

Wouldn’t you?

Posted in Paruresis Help | Leave a comment

Beyond Breath Hold

So after a little failure in Holding My Breath Yesterday (He was staring directly at my junk), I did get Breath Hold to work, but then it stopped again. Then it worked, stopped, worked, stopped… It was crazy! When he was just standing next to me looking ahead, it worked like a charm! But in high anxiety, it was much more difficult.

So I went online and did some MORE research about this “Locking Up after a Stream Started“…

I wanted to see if there was something else that I was missing. I found some interesting info about Breath Hold that should help me out (I’m excited to test it).

Because I do feel like I’m right there, right on the verge of success!

100% Success!

Those last couple of seconds are what bother me!

So I hit the IPA Forums and read for 4 hours or so. I went through stories and techniques and questions, posts, answers… and I found such great info, unbelievable info that no doubt will help me, and help you as well.

Beyond Breath Hold

I collected some of this info. It was scattered across hundreds of forum pages, buried bits and pieces of awesome advice…

I picked out the juicy parts!

The parts that pertain to me and where I am with Breath Hold… That last crucial step!

And I see from reading, that I’m not the only one stuck in this very spot. My difficulties are common…

So common in fact, that even people now recovered from Paruresis had problems with it at first (which makes me feel better).

Read what parureticmax and many others said in the IPA Forums before they saw the light…

P.S. These Source Links may not work unless you are registered and signed up as an IPA Forum Member! (Which I highly advise you do!)


parureticmax – Mon Nov 8th, 2010

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=7711

I am still working on controlling my breathing after I get the urine stream started. I have had less than a handful of times in which I breathed in too quickly and it stopped my stream. I am working on making sure that I hold my breath long enough so I can get a full stream going.

aqu – Mon Jun 6th, 2011

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8103

I have practiced BH about 10 times so far, and I am able to hold my breath for about for 45-50 seconds to get my stream started. My main problem at the moment is when I get my stream started I gasp and take a very deep breathe of air which always cuts off my stream. Any advice on how I can begin to breathe after holding my breath and still maintain my stream?

steve85 Responds – Fri Jun 17th, 2011

It’s not the act of taking the breath that stops the flow. It’s the rush of oxygen. Take a small sip of air if you need to, until you can keep your flow going while breathing.

For many, it’s not enough to hold your breath up to the point where you get your flow going. They need to take it an extra ~10 sec to get to a point where their stream is strong enough, and they can control it.

Dominic M – Wed May 18, 2011

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=6918

It’s normal that you lose the stream. In some occasions, I can also still lose the stream. If you’re in a high anxiety situation, you really need to have a full stream, full force, before you calmly inhale. If you’re only having a very small and irregular stream, inhaling can kill it. But this is only in the high anxiety situations. So keep practicing friend, and soon you will be able to master it and fully empty whenever you want.

klapm123 – Wed Dec 28th, 2011

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8415

Hi after BH works and I get a stream …when I inhale air and breath I lose the stream without finishing urination I mean I am still full and I need to urinate more…

Any advice on how deal with it …so I won’t lose the stream until I am empty?

Dominic M Replies – Thu Dec 29th, 2011

Once the urine is flowing, put pressure on your bladder to strengthen the stream, and when it’s full force you can calmly inhale. A sudden strong inhale when it’s not strong will make you lose the stream. It will get easier the more you do it. In many occasions, just a small stream is enough for me to inhale, but in very high stress (like when I’m peeing in the open and people are behind me), I need to go to full force first. You don’t need to hold your breath for the entire duration of the restroom visit, just to get a good stream started. Graduated exposure can also help you with reducing the stress of a restroom visit. I can highly recommend you the book that Steven Soifer wrote about paruresis: Shy Bladder Syndrome

And hey, congrats on learning how to BH!


See… I am NOT alone!

That “Gasping Point” is the key to success! The uncomfortable part! (of course) This is where I am now. Right there! It’s good to know that this is the last step, the very push that I need to get me into full recovery.

I hope this info helps you as much as it does me. Having Shy Bladder all my life, and knowing that a so-called “CURE” is out there, is absolutely amazing!

So let’s get into the actual Breath Hold Instructions first (in case you don’t fully understand)…

These Instructions were put up in the Forum and they have helped tons of people out, just like you, just like me.

Take it away Dominic… (reprinted with his permission)


Dominic M – Wed Feb 3rd, 2010

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=6881

First of all you need to understand that you cannot expect it to work the first time you try it. It takes some practice, for some a little more than others. It’s all about getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. You’ll understand it when you know how to BH.

So, here’s how it works.

  1. Make sure you feel comfortable when you want to start holding your breath. So, normal breathing, normal heart rate. Maybe take a couple of minutes to relax your body and take deep breaths. There should be no tension in your body. Don’t hyperventilate before holding your breath (more about that later), it’s completely useless and potentially dangerous if you consume too much oxygen. Just calmly inhale and exhale until you feel relaxed enough and ready. Doing this will allow you to relax more while holding your breath, and should make BH easier.
  2. Take a final inhale (not a deep one, your chest shouldn’t expand), let out a little bit of air, and start holding your breath. Don’t exhale too much, because this way you will make it more difficult than it needs to be. Exhaling more could perhaps shorten BH a little bit (less oxygen in the lungs), but it’s really a lot harder and uncomfortable. Try to find an optimal amount of air so your abdominal muscles are completely relaxed when you start holding your breath. If you inhale too much, you will feel them pushing against your belly, if you exhale too much, you will feel them as well. So, look for that optimal point before you want to learn BH. Also, make sure you do nothing more than “not inhaling and not exhaling”. For example if you hold your breath under water, you tend to put pressure on your lungs by contracting your abdominal muscles (and your Thoracic diaphragm and lungs). This is something you need to avoid when trying BH. You could perhaps lay a hand on your abdominal muscles so you can clearly feel when you are going wrong. It’s perhaps hard to explain, but as long you try not to control your body, you’re probably on the right track. A distraction technique could be very useful in this case, because the only thing your really should do is don’t inhale or exhale, physically relax and stand straight. There is nothing more you should do with your body.
  3. Start holding your breath and try to relax your body, make sure you aren’t contracting or flexing any muscles in your upper torso. It’s normal that your abdomen and lungs will contract a little when time goes by (sort of spams), but you need to make sure that you don’t put extra tension on them. Don’t lean over and don’t put extra pressure on your lungs. When you feel like your lungs are going to explode, just try to relax. Swallowing can help against these spasms, but make sure you don’t take in or let out any air. Of course don’t inhale or exhale. So once again, no tension in the body, only no inhaling or exhaling and standing straight.
  4. When it really starting to get difficult, the so called “gasping for air” feeling, you need to hold your breath for about 10 more seconds, and then you will pee if your upper body is relaxed. Basically, when trying BH, try to pee like you normally would when you feel no anxiety, but just while holding your breath. What you will feel is that urine starts travelling down, and will come out a little bit at a time. Hold your breath until you have a full stream. The gasping for air phase is really the only difficult thing about BH. It’s the moment where your body is telling you that you need to inhale. It’s a powerful feeling, and if you cannot hold your breath long enough until you start peeing, you probably gave up a few seconds after gasping for air kicked in. Practice a lot, and you will get used to the feeling, and it will get a lot easier to ignore. When I do BH, gasping for air doesn’t bother me anymore.
  5. After full stream, calmly inhale. If you did everything as described, you shouldn’t even feel that out of breath. If you stay physically relaxed like I mentioned, you consume very little oxygen, and after a few inhales you already forgot you held your breath.

IPA ADVICE

The IPA Website also has instructions here, but one key thing to point out that is important is this advice that Weil, Monroe Ph.D. gives:

…Do not take in a big gasp of air before exhaling. You’ll have too much oxygen in your lungs and it will blunt the effect.


Max Succeeds at Breath Hold

These instructions worked for Max. He finally got Breath Hold to work, and you can read his success here… :)


parureticmax – Wed Oct 6th, 2010

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=7711

So I have been working on the breath hold for a little bit now (a few months), and have now been able to get it to work in even very high stress situations.

The breakthrough for me was last night (I guess 2 nights ago 10/5), when I went to a concert. I went to see Primus (the greatest show I have ever see.) Despite emptying my bladder before hand (lol paruresis 101), I had an urge to go when I got in. Even though I had relatively low urgency, I decided to try before it got too crowded. I got in there and it was a large restroom, maybe 6 or 7 urinals, and 5 stalls (don’t remember the exact numbers). Anyway I stepped into one of the crowded stalls with people in both stalls next to me, held my breath, and peed in about 40 seconds. Needless to say, I was ecstatic. I then watched Primus play and amazing set, then intermission came and I had to pee. This time a full bathroom with people waiting behind me. No matter, I stepped up with BH, and pissed.

Then today (yesterday) at school, I walked into a full bathroom this time going to a urinal, with no dividers, and peed with people and noise all around me. A great feeling indeed.

I would like to give a big shout out to Dominic M, who helped me learn the BH.

Also a message to all you paruretics: GIVE BREATH HOLD A TRY! It has been huge in my recovery process. If you would like, send me a PM and I will give you my contact information and I will help you with it.


Paruretic Max Makes His Own BH Instructions!

Paruretic Max started a blog (zenandtheartofreality) and wrote a full set of instructions here: Breath Hold Instructions (similar to Dominic’s)

But the most important step of all is the one that I’m dealing with… The Crucial Step… Keeping the Stream!

Step 7

So, taken directly from his instructions, here is his advice on this difficult obstacle…


Max – October 11, 2012

Source: http://zenandtheartofreality.wordpress.com/2012/10/11/breath-hold-instructions/

Step 7) Once a urine stream has started, keep your breath held until the stream is a full strength before you begin to breath again. If you take a breath too early or breath in too quickly, this can cause the stream to subside. When you do take a breath, try and take smooth even breaths so as not to pant or gasp, which can also cause the stream to halt.


Now let’s hit the Forums…

Many people have wrote and talked about Breath Hold. And happily, both Dominic, Max, and plenty others have weighed in and given their opinions, tips and tricks to beating this Social Phobia.

So let’s get to the good stuff. Shall we?

Breath Hold Advice From The Forums

Perusing the IPA Forums, you’ll find tons and tons of advice on Breath Hold, what to do, how to do it, how long it takes, even alternative methods…

The more you learn about Breath Hold and the more you practice it, the more you will understand and hopefully master it.

(Let’s Cross Our Fingers! …I’m right there!)

Enjoy the conversation fragments below… (It’s all very fascinating!) To learn more, follow the Source Links!


Dominic M – Wed Jul 28th, 2010

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=7607

First of all, you will start feeling the gasping for air after 10-20-30-40 seconds, depending on your condition. In the beginning it’s a bit uncomfortable, and it’s a bit like a wave during those 10-15 seconds. Your natural reflex would be to put pressure on your lungs, or your abs to counter this feeling, but it’s very important not to do that! So, then it gets a little less hard, little bit more, etc… It’s a strange feeling to describe. But most importantly, you cannot try to fight it with your body. You just need to go with the flow. Sometimes swallowing can make it a bit more comfortable. Just don’t exhale or inhale anything. So, make sure you really know what the gasping for air is, and get used to it. As long as your body stays calm and relaxed, you will not have any problems related to a lack of oxygen. So, get used to gasping for air, for as long as you can.

When you can do that for 10-15 seconds, you will feel that somehow urine started travelling down. If you’re in low stress situations, it will only take a second or two for it to make it’s way to the toilet, just like you would normally pee. In low stress (or no stress) you can even start breathing at this point, but not when you are still learning. In high stress, it can take 5-10 seconds. You feel that its going down, but that it takes a while. As long as you stay relaxed and hold your breath, it will continue it’s path. The moment you breath, everything can stop. So in those situations it’s important to hold the breath until you really have a good full stream.

Dominic M – Mon May 17th, 2010

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=7472

“Gasping for air” starts when the concentration of CO2 in the blood reaches a certain level. You CAN* start peeing if those levels rise just a little bit more than that. That requires you to bite through the gasping for air sensation for those 10-15 seconds. It has no real use in timing yourself for that sake, it’s more important to get familiar with gasping for air, and try to hold it as long as possible, while staying physically relaxed.

* If you are not physically relaxed, the CO2 level itself is not enough to make you pee! If you can stay physically relaxed with those levels of CO2, you WILL pee.

parureticmax – Sun Jul 3rd 2011

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8134

Firstly, a dozen times is nowhere near enough tries to get it to work. I can’t tell you exactly how many times that I tried it, but It was far more than a dozen (maybe closer to 100). It takes a lot of hard-work, persistence, and most of all patience. You can’t expect it to work after just a few tries. It takes a great deal of practice to not just get a hold of, but master the breath-hold. Ask anyone who has been successful with the BH and they will tell you, it is hard work.

Though it might take time and work, don’t get discouraged. When I got the breath hold to work, it was quite possibly the most liberating and freeing feeling I had ever felt. I had never felt to relieved and unrestrained in my life. I promise everyone trying to learn, it is very worth the work and time.

Dominic M – Tue Oct 2nd, 2012

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=6881&start=30

It should be very clear that BH is not supposed to be comfortable. Many people who try to learn breath hold inhale when it gets uncomfortable, but that’s the point where it get’s crucial. Everything that happens before that point is not important… The very first time, you need to understand that this uncomfortable feeling WILL make you pee, and that it’s not endlessly long. And over time, you will find out that you can decrease the time of being uncomfortable, and getting used to the feeling. It beats the feeling of walking out of crowded restroom with a bladder about to explode, and nowhere to go. But the beginning is hard, that’s why many people give up. But believe me, learning BH changes the life of a paruretic.

parureticmax – Thu Oct 4th, 2012

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8565

Just remember that when you get to the gasping for breath feeling, that means you are only a matter of seconds away from getting a stream. Once you get the stream, you will only need to hold just a few more seconds, to ensure you get a full stream going. Once you are able to do it once, you will have no problem doing it again. Its a matter of pushing through the gasping for breath feeling, and then you will know what it feels like.

Dominic M – Tue Aug 31st, 2010

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=7646

…keep practicing at a place where you feel comfortable enough or not too uncomfortable, and gradually work yourself up to the high anxiety situations. Once you’ve done those a couple of times, you can go anywhere at any time. What can help is focus your thoughts only on BH if you are holding your breath (“If I hold my breath long enough, I will start peeing. The reason why I’m not peeing is because I still need to hold my breath a little longer.”). In the end, that’s all it is. Keep the body relaxed, and don’t worry about gasping for air.

parureticmax – Wed Aug 24th, 2011

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8232

Being relaxed is the name of the game. You can hold your breath all day long but if you are not relaxed, it will not work. Just make sure that your mind is at ease when you attempt the BH, and you should have no trouble.

Dominic M – Sun Jun 17th, 2012

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8625

I only use breath hold up until the point where I get a good stream, and then I calmly inhale. Once I have a good stream, I won’t lose it again. You will get better at this over time, because your anxiety levels will drop once you get used to using public restrooms successfully (again).

Ohio-Scott – Mon Oct 31st, 2011

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8226

I found early on a way to prove to myself that the technique works was to practice at home: Load up with lots of water, stand over the bowl ready to go but hold your stream in – then, exhale some air. I found that you will have to make 1 of 2 choices very quickly: either you’ll need to start breathing so you can hold in your stream or you’ll almost uncontrollably have to start peeing. I think the main thing learned is the cause and affect you get from exhaling some air and the feeling of how it affects your control of your bladder. Then you’ll know what to expect when practicing in a tougher situation.

Dominic M – Fri Jul 1st, 2011

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8134

What most people don’t seem to understand is that it’s not just about holding your breath for xx seconds. It comes when it comes. Don’t focus on time, don’t focus on anything… Keep the body in rest, and try to think of something else. When the gasping for air comes, it becomes critical. You just need to have the faith that if you keep your body relaxed, you’ll pee in a matter of seconds. But if you never made it work, it feels like every second gets harder, and you’ll give up before something happens. If the motivation is not really big, and you’re not comfortable with the feeling, you’ll never learn BH.

parureticmax – Sun Dec 9th 2012

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8825

The most important part of the breath hold technique is being able to keep yourself at ease. I understand that the breath hold can be rather difficult when you are gasping for air, but it is key to success. When you are holding your breath, try and focus on how your bladder is feeling. Once you get to a certain point you will begin to feel your bladder loosen up, in which case you are close to a stream. Once you get to the point will your bladder is beginning to void a bit, just keep holding your breath for a few more seconds, and a stream should start.

Learning the breath hold can be a rather onerous task, believe me I can relate. Just keep working at it and focusing on how your bladder feels, and you should have a success with a bit of practice.

Dominic M – Sat Dec 31st, 2011

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8418

I don’t think there is much harm in breath holding. Normally you will only “gasp for air” for about 10 seconds, and then you’ll pee and you can calmly inhale.

parureticmax – Fri Mar 22nd 2013

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8936

The best advice that I can give you in regards to using the breath hold with high urgency is to make sure that you have a full stream going when you breath in again. There have been times in the past that I have used the breath hold in which I had a partial stream going, but took a breath before the stream was at full strength. With the BH, it may take another few seconds after the initial stream for it to reach full strength, after which you can take a breath.

Dominic M – Sun Aug 8th, 2010

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=7618

Just practice, that’s really all I can say. I truly believe that anybody can physically be able to learn breath hold (maybe people who get panic attacks from breath holding is a different story). So, just give it all you got. Yesterday I was at a concert that was a 120km drive, I could drink beers, and just three times I had to use BH without being uncomfortable or thinking about it. It’s only the 6-7 second delay when you stand in front of the urinal, and that’s just the time the body needs to be relaxed enough to pee. BH changed my life, and it can also change yours. Just practice practice practice!

klapm123 – wed Sep 4th, 2013

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=9117

I think its better to inhale through the nose and not through the mouth.

parureticmax – Wed Sep 1st, 2010

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=7646

…when doing the breath hold, your perception of time will be off. For me to get a stream started, I have to hold my breath for about 35 seconds, but feels more like well over a minute.

Dominic M – Thu Jan 20th, 2011

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=7874

I don’t really see BH as holding your breath, more like: don’t inhale, don’t exhale. I don’t force air in my lungs. It’s just there and I leave it there. It takes very little effort, which makes it not that hard to do. What works good for me is holding my breath while I approach the urinals. The moment I’m unzipping I start relaxing my body, and because of the walking my body was using more oxygen and this way CO2 levels will raise more quickly. This reduces my BH time significantly. But still it takes about 5-10 seconds in high stress situations to start a stream, probably the time needed for the body to settle down and give in.

nodumbo2008 – Thu May 12th, 2011

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8057

I started practicing at home and found that it was mastered fairly easily. Yes, it took some time but one needs to just stick with it on a daily basis. Hey, you need to practice if you want to master anything–guitar, math, etc. Then, I started using it in public restrooms and WAS VERY IMPRESSED WITH HOW WELL IT WORKED. I can even start the process as I’m walking to a bathroom and by the time I’m near the urinal *I’m rushing to get my fly unzipped because I need to pee so badly*.

Here’s the test of how powerful it is for me. If I use the breath hold process either as I approach a urinal/toilet or when I practice at home *and then deliberately try to hold my pee*, I find it impossible. I can actually feel my bladder (or bladder floor, or whatever the anatomical structure is) begin to spasm and at that point I can’t hold the urine in.

Dominic M – Tue Jan 18th, 2011

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=7874

You need to understand that the initial discomforts don’t bother most breath holders anymore. For me the biggest clue that I’m going into gasping for air is the tightening of my abdominal muscles. After that it’s a matter of 5-15 seconds depending on the situation, but staying relaxed is the key. It’s all about staying cool and moving your thoughts to something else. I always think about the same thing: “If I’m not peeing yet, I’m not holding my breath long enough.” Keep thinking about that until I pee. And as long as you stay relaxed, believe me, you’re not going to faint. I did the BH in an MRI, and had gasping for air for over a minute. I’m talking about major discomfort. BH is all about the skill to fully ignore the urge to inhale and not let it freak you out while doing so. Once you’re able to do that, you will be able to pee in any situation.

corryjeffe – Thu Mar 22nd, 2012

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8530

I came across the breathe hold technique and was very confused as I had no idea that that could possibly work and couldn’t for the life of me even guess at any of the science behind it. I read through a lot of Parureticmax and Dominique M’s posts and videos and thought I might as well give it a whirl and of course it did not work because I didn’t know what I was doing yet. But after nearly giving up, I (at home of course) held my breathe as long as I could, I got past the gasping stage, I got past the eyes blacking over stage, I got past the point where I was sure I would die if I did not take a sip of air, and I just kept holding my breathe and then it hit me… my “pelvic floor” (as I’ve heard it referred to) dropped so to speak and urine literally exploded out. I can’t describe how elated I was, it was quite possibly the best moment of my life to date.

csnoke – Sun Aug 1st, 2010

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=6881

It’s funny to think the difference that 10 seconds of discomfort could make in my life.

dale deutsch – Fri Jun 22nd, 2012

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8653

The “breath holding technique” is not a breath holding technique as you may be familiar with from when you swam underwater or held you breath when you were a child. In those situations, you inhale large amounts of air. Here you expel most of the air in your lungs and then hold your breath. It should be called the breath expelling technique or hypoxia technique perhaps. Furthermore, after expelling most of your breath, you do not inhale again until you pee or give up because of the pain. Sometimes it may take two or three cycles to work although you can feel it almost working the first time. It works quite miraculously in my situation in that it is a treatment for my paruresis.

parureticmax – Sun Dec 9th 2012

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8823

I can use the breath hold technique regardless of my urgency. One thing I have noticed, all things being equal, is the higher my urgency level, the less time it takes for me to get a stream going. In a moderately difficult situation, I may have to hold my breath 35 if I have low urgency, whereas it may only take 25-30 seconds of breath holding. For myself, urgency seems to have an impact on how long I need to hold my breath.


Another Success Story From Breath Hold

More people follow these steps and succeed! Here’s one of them…


zombie – Mon May 17th, 2010

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=7475

Just a few days ago I got BH to work for the first time. Been practicing holding my breath and making it through the gasping sensation a few times a day and feeling the “pelvic floor drop” sensation I’ve read about. Panic attacks have become more mild and I feel like I’m reaching the drop sensation more quickly now due to being slightly more relaxed.

I have noticed that I get some muscle spasms mainly in my fingers right before I feel the drop which makes me keep holding out.

I’ve also found that trying to keep my mind distracted thinking about something unrelated seems to help. I’m really happy with my progress so far and it’s a big relief to know I have something that can help me out in a jam!


Testing The BH Method

Don’t believe Breath Hold works? Test it, like Scott did…


Ohio-Scott – Dec 14th, 2012

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8766

  1. Load up on a lot of water and wait for a really good sense of urgency
  2. Stand over the bowl ready to go
  3. Exhale almost all of your air
  4. (This is the most important part) DO NOT PEE! Resist as much as possible by holding it in with your pelvic muscles
  5. 1 of 2 things should happen – One, you either will have to inhale to catch your breath (and please do this if you feel faint). Or two – you will start peeing almost automatically. You won’t be able to do both – at least I couldn’t

Alternative Breath Hold Technique

Take a look at a different way of Breath Holding…


beserkpencil – Fri Jan, 18, 2013

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8864

…you can use a method of letting off the BH just before it starts peeing with a tiny breath in order to give yourself the assuredness that you can relax without a worry in your mind about failing. If you can’t relax with a full bladder at a urinal when you could almost let yourself pee in your pants otherwise it’s just because you’re nervous about messing up. But if you let up a small breath at that moment before the pelvic floor drop you can honestly try an easy stall situation or solo urinal and try to ease up at that moment of letting up. After that it’s easy. Also make sure to speed up the BH by walking up to the plate for 10 seconds while holding your breath at 25% lung capacity. It won’t kill you and it’s easy to do after practicing 3 times a day for a week muahahahaha lol.


Last Notes Regarding Breath Hold

More great words of advice on this crippling disorder…


Dominic M – Tue Feb 1st, 2011

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=7895

The moment you are “gasping for air”, it all begins, and in most cases with inexperienced people, it ends. This is the point you need to get over. You shouldn’t care about that urge to inhale.

parureticmax – Sun Sep 30th, 2012

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8739

What many people don’t realize about the breath hold is that the most difficult part of it is the las 5-10 seconds. However, once you get over that hump, the breath hold becomes something you can always rely on.

Dominic M – Mon Aug 09, 2010

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=7624

…for those about to learn breath hold, the message is: don’t try it, but work on it until you can do it.

wlosi – Sun Aug 14, 2011

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8220

Please, all of you who cant live their life because of paruresis – just spend a few minutes each day and train, even if you don’t believe that it can work. Believe me – I was thinking exactly the same as you and after a few tries I just did it, and you cant even imagine how much my life changed.

Dominic M Responds – Mon Aug 15, 2011

(One quote from Dominic’s Response sums it all up)

…BH really is a miracle for paruretics.


Paruresis Exposed Channel

Be sure to check out Dominic & Max’s Paruresis Exposed Channel Here!

The Videos are very cool to watch, and they give you a ton of more info about this wonderful and life changing technique.

Make sure you check out one video in particular…

Common Questions about Breath Hold

(Paruresis Exposed Channel)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5khV9aee5Zo

That’s a great Video Max put up, it’s amazing to watch and learn (he’s a very good speaker).

In fact, just watch all the videos!

They are all worthy of watching and will help you immensely.

Dominic even went so far as to create a video for me (I wanted to see his face during Breath Hold). Which he did here:

And I wrote about this very video here: A New Breath Hold Video

Dominic posted this Video in the IPA Forums and this is what he said:


Dominic M – Wed Jan 4th, 2012

Source: http://ipatalk.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=8425

A video that shows my face when I do a BH. As you can see, I swallow once half way, because when you start breath holding, there is still saliva in your mouth, and that gets a bit annoying when holding the breath. After that, you see my face and eyebrows twitch a few times near the end, that only happens in the “gasping for air” stage. It was not an easy breath hold, because I felt the urine travelling and stopping for a moment near the end. In a hard BH, this can take up to 10 seconds. This was somewhere in between. I almost immediately had a good stream and inhaled without losing it again. Hope it helps. Stay motivated, practice a few times a day, keep the body relaxed, and you’ll learn the magic of BH too.

The moment you get the first drops, you need to keep holding the breath and put pressure on your bladder to strengthen the stream. Only when the stream is at its hardest, which can take up to 10 seconds, you can take a very slow sip of air and keep putting pressure on the stream. After a few times, you will recognize when it’s ok to inhale again.

I always do breath hold at the urinals, and I’m pretty sure nobody ever noticed this, even while standing right next to me… And even if they did, it doesn’t matter much, my only goal in there is to pee :)

I’m pretty sure you story will be a success story too Richard (referring to me). The first time I read about BH was a year before I actually learned it. I gave up after a few lousy attempts. Stick with it, stay motivated, and soon you’ll be a pro breath holder too, and take life into your own hands again.


Thanks Guys!

I want to Thank Dominic and Max for helping me learn all that I can about this technique (as well as the IPA Forums). I can use Breath Hold most of the time now with no issues. The high anxiety situations are still the tough ones that I’m working on. I just need to keep my flow from locking up! That’s all! I’ll get there! I have faith in myself.

I’m 95% there… Just a little bit more. Seconds really do make a huge difference!

No matter what, I won’t give up, and I don’t expect to fail! Ever!

The things that I take away from all this is clear:

  • Relax my entire Body, Shoulders, Chest, everything…
  • Know that I am just Seconds away from Success
  • Once a Stream Starts, keep Holding my Breath
  • Take in little Sips of Air Slowly through my Nose
  • After full stream happens, carefully Inhale and Breath normally again
  • Enjoy the Feeling and Empty my Bladder!

And to recap what Dominic said that really hits home:

“If I’m not peeing yet, I’m not holding my breath long enough.”

That’s my goal. I’m off to Practice, Practice, Practice. :)

Thanks Much!

Posted in Paruresis Help | 8 Comments

An Experiment Gone Wrong

So tonight, I decided to experiment more with Breath Hold, really TEST myself!

The results are interesting, and a little disappointing!

I was talking to Mike about peeing next to guys, and how hard it would be to pee in a Trough.

It was a crazy conversation because I told him that was still something I wanted to accomplish…

“Peeing with someone facing me!”

“And not only facing me, but staring right at my…

(And I couldn’t even say it, I just kind of waved my hand over my groin area)

Mike sneered at me!

I know” I said “I feel the same way!

And that’s when I told him about David Soucy’s bookPee Shy to Pee Free“. On page 56 in his book, he talks about having a friend Witness him, by not only facing him, but staring directly at his dick while he peed.

As I told Mike this, he just kept looking at me like I’ve lost my mind. I could read the horror! lol

I told him that I wanted to try that. Have him face me as I do Breath Hold to see if it would work.

You want me to stare at you…?” he said and his eyes dropped down to my pants and back up.

I smirked!

“Just so I can really test Breath Hold. That would be the ultimate test, the most extreme situation that I could probably face.”

He stood there for the longest time. I could really hear the gears turning in his head. What line am I crossing???

He finally sighed. “Okay, Fine! But I’m not too happy about it!

HA! I wouldn’t expect anything less.

Mike has stared in my general direction before, and even looked me in the eyes as we’ve talked during urination. But this is different! This is putting direct focus entirely on my shyness. No way around that!

I laughed “That makes two of us!

No one wants to do that, ask that, nor be put in such an awkward situation.

No one hears about this” he said “EVER!

No problem there! (except for the whole internet).

So I grab my timer and head to the bathroom. I unzip as Mike stands in the doorway. He’s facing me, but is really battling this manly ordeal. He looks me in the eyes, frowns, then looks down and stares at “that“.

I see him crack a smile… probably out of nervousness or idiocy. But he’s trying not to laugh.

A Shy Bladder Experiment Gone Wrong

I was already holding my breath and I have to look away because it’s making me laugh.

I try to ignore him and keep my composure. For anyone who has ever tried this technique (Witnessing), it is NOT EASY!

30 seconds go by. 40…

Right about 45 seconds in, I realize that I’m right on the verge of peeing. I’m RIGHT THERE! But I’m also fighting against something else…

My Sphincter!

You see, all of this Breath Holding is not only beginning to loosen my Pee Sphincter, but also my other Sphincter… The one that is holding back a fart!

(And just so you all know, I often fart when I pee)

So I’m holding my breath and struggling at not farting at the same time. I don’t want this to happen. That would be embarrassing!

50 Seconds in…

Right before I pee, I feel a fart starting… I can’t let that happen. So I inhaled… And once I inhaled, everything locked up again.

Damn you Sphincter!

I was only seconds away from success. That sucked!

Farting is actually a fear of mine. If I did that at the urinal I would be mortified!

2nd Attempt

A couple of minutes later, I tell Mike I want to try again (I didn’t tell him that I failed because I wanted to fart). And, I also really had to pee! Plus, holding my breath that long relaxed my Sphincter and was making me want to pee even more…

So… we try again!

I will say it is so difficult to pee when someone is staring directly at your junk. (It’s a good thing I have nothing to be ashamed of)

40 Seconds go by… Then 50…

And there it is again… That FART!

I feel like I could fart again because my Sphincter is loosening up. FUCK!

(That’s what I get for eating Onions)

This is why sometimes it’s taken me minutes to pee with Mike around… I’ve had to fart and I was holding it back.

(I’m sure I’m not the only one)

So I decide to ignore the fart, and keep holding my breath (I really wanted to piss). I was so close…

60 seconds in…

It happens.

I FART!

Not a big rip-roaring fart, more like a little dog fart. But it was enough to break all concentration. I instantly started laughing, which caused Mike to laugh and leave the room. NOT RIGHT! (it’s a good thing it didn’t stink)

DAMN! I was so close to peeing… and I still didn’t pee. ARGGG!

This really blows!

So we talk about it, and he reminds me that I have no problems farting any other time. True True! (I chuckle)

But this is different. Usually when I fart, I’m alone in the room (although he can still hear me). It’s not with someone standing right next to you with their head down there…

People fart all the time at Urinals” he says.

“Yeah, but it would make me laugh” I say.

It would make me run” he says.

More laughter!

So we try a 3rd time!

This time, after 60 seconds a little pee comes out. But as soon as it came out, I locked up again. I totally expected this, and that’s why I continued to hold my breath. I wanted success!

70 seconds go by. I pee a little bit more, then lock up. “Come on” I think!!!!

I certainly thought that if I kept holding my breath through the start it would finally flow. But NOOOOOOO!!!!

I STILL keep holding my breath. This has GOT to work!

80 Seconds go by…

After 80 seconds I peed a little bit more, then it stopped once more. Are you kidding me?

Finally I can’t take it anymore and inhale. I had to! I was dying for air. 1 Minute and 20 seconds is a LONG time to hold your breath.

I really did think that after the first lock up, that it would work. But it didn’t!

I was tight and clamped down for good. Peeing under these circumstances was tough. Not what I expected.

I’m not happy with those results!

I’m also quite dumbfounded. I don’t see why it didn’t work.

A couple of minutes later, I told Mike I wanted to try again. 4th time has gotta work… But it didn’t!

I peed a little bit more, then it locked up. I pee a little more… then it locked up once more.

Son of a…

This is frustrating!

Do I have an extra tight Sphincter or what? (Don’t answer that)

So ten minutes later, and a couple more chugs of water, I’m ready to try again.

“This time” I tell Mike “Just stand there next to me and face forward (not looking at my Johnson).

He does. I Pee!

Go figure!

I peed at 50 seconds into Breath Hold. That’s nuts! And, I peed until my bladder was empty.

So while Breath Hold does have some success with me, I can also see that I still need work.

There are just some things that are out of my reach right now. Maybe in another week or so… who knows?

Right now, I guess I’ll take what I can get. It works half the time, so it’s not a complete failure, nor a complete success. It is what it is.

I was able to pee a little with Mike as a “Witness“. But that’s not good enough for me. I want 100% success!

Breath Hold, don’t fail me yet!

Posted in Paruresis Help | Leave a comment

I Broke the Guy Code

I’ts day 99 in my Pee Shy Recovery!

It’s also Movie Day (Moovies!)

I told Mike that after the Movies, I would go to the men’s room for a little desensitization.

My plan was to use Breath Hold to Pee!

Breath Hold has worked in the past to allow me to Pee in Urinals. So today, I felt good about achieving my goal.

We go with 2 of my other friends to see Jack Ryan (Great Movie).

I Broke the Guy Code

And after the movie, we are all leaving the Theater and I see the bathrooms on the right.

Everyone is walking by them and I say “I’m going to use the bathroom“, they all stop and wait as I head inside.

When I enter the restroom, I see 3 urinals on the left. The first one is a short kiddie urinal, the last two are regular size. There is a guy planted at urinal #3.

I pause for a second because I so dislike peeing in those short urinals, they always feel so awkward to me, like you have to point and aim downwards to pee…

And even though it is totally against the Guy Code, I passed up the first urinal and stepped up to the center urinal (I know, I know…).

I did that for 2 main reasons:

  • I don’t like short urinals
  • I really need more practice peeing with strangers directly next to me

So “Sorry Dude!

I step up to the Urinal, Hold my Breath, and Wait…

All that I can hear is him peeing loudly, plus the occasional grunt and shuffle from some guy in the stall behind us.

He pees and pees. I’m silent. 20 seconds… 30…

I’m looking down and trying to relax my whole body. “Come on Breath Hold!

40 seconds, 50…

I feel a little anxious with him right next to me. And just as he’s finishing up, I finally start to pee. I pee very slowly, and then I inhale… and of course, my urine locks up again!!!!

Damn it!

It’s probably because either I didn’t have a strong urge to pee, or I didn’t hold my breath long enough (or I’m just to old and you can’t teach me new tricks).

Maybe a little of everything!

I flush, wash and leave.

Holding my breath beyond the peeing point is the hardest part for me. I can get it started, but by then I have to inhale, and it’s gone. Lost! “POOF”

So I know that I’m close to success. I’m right there…

Just a few more Seconds should do it!

All I need to do is to practice more and learn to relax.

I have total faith in myself.

Do you?

Posted in Paruresis Help | Leave a comment

Hockey Time

My friend Kay calls me this morning.

“Want to go to a Hockey Game Sunday?”

I pause for just a brief second and say “SURE!”

The bathrooms at a Hockey Game will be very busy! And while they normally would intimidate me and scare the shit out of me, I’m actually looking forward to them.

Paruresis During Hockey Time

What a great way to Desensitize!

I actually believe that they’ll be easier to pee in than the Theater. Where’s my logic coming from? Let me explain…

In the Theater you have time constraints. You have to either pee before the show, during the show, or after the show. And that 15 minute intermission is quite busy, there’s normally a long line…

Plus, if you try to go during the show, you have to stand up in the dark, block everyone behind you, push your way out of the isle “Excuse Me” “Pardon Me” “I’m Sorry“… Everyone knows you’re leaving (and a pain in the ass). Everyone sees that you’re going pee! (and they know how long you’ve been gone)

And then, to get back to your seat, an usher with a flashlight has to lead you back, interrupt everyone in your row, make them stand… distract the entire theater just so you could “Try to Pee“.

That’s Nerve-Wracking!

But, when you’re at a Hockey Game, things are so much different. You can just go pee anytime you want. No one is watching. No one cares. People are up and moving the entire time. It’s no big deal!

So even though the bathroom will be busier, and there may be guys waiting… There are more bathrooms (the Theater just has one), and the turn over is FAST!

No one will notice me. No one will see me or even know I was there.

And if I have to try again in a few minutes, it won’t cause a commotion and I’ll be able to pee in peace.

Or So I Think!

So I do believe I will be successful!

Just like today’s Urinal Visit…

I don’t pee an hour before we left. I drink half the water, and then I take the rest of the bottle with me to drink on the way.

We are heading to Costco for groceries (restocking after our Vegas Trip – which was monumental).

By the time we get there, my water is gone, but weirdly, the urge to pee isn’t strong. Why is this? I know I COULD go, but it’s not DYING to go.

So we shop first.

1/2 hour later, as we’re checking out, I head to the bathroom.

As I walk in, some guy is drying his hands. He looks at me. I ignore him and turn towards the 3 urinals. Some other guy is standing in the center urinal.

“THANKS!”

I step up to the first urinal, hold my breath, and I can see, even though I’m looking straight ahead, he turns and looks at me.

And it wasn’t just a quick glance sideways, it was like a good 2-3 seconds of checking me out…

I don’t look at him back, but I am thinking to myself “REALLY DUDE ???

He finally faces forward again, and within 10 more seconds he was finished and moved off towards the sinks. “See Ya Jerk!”

I just stand there locked up. But I am still holding my breath. Sometimes those 40 seconds seem like forever.

As he’s drying his hands…

I finally start to Pee!

And this time, as I start, I keep holding my breath longer. I’ve had problems in the past where my urine locks up after Breath Hold, and I believe it’s because I didn’t hold it long enough (I think I read that somewhere).

So I hold it about 10 seconds longer… And as I pee, I could feel the stream weaken (right where it would normally freeze up again), but because I continued to hold my breath, it fought the contraction and kept the flow going. It didn’t stop!

Once it finally started to come out in a full stream, I slowly and carefully inhaled again. I took small, gradual breaths to calm my body and screaming lungs. Plus, I didn’t want to gasp and be obvious!

And I Peed!

I have to give it up to Breath Hold. For if you hold your breath long enough, it will and DOES work!

Pretty much 100% of the time!

And if I can continue to hold it, to exhaust all of the oxygen in my Sphincter muscle, then it has no choice but to open the dam and let the urine flow!

Flow until my Bladder is Empty!

This is what I’ll keep practicing this week. This is what I’ll be doing at the Hockey Game Sunday.

This will be my Goal!

My Shot!

My Score!

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The Theater Bathroom

We get to the Theater tonight 1/2 hour before the performance.

4 of my friends are already there, and there’s 2 more on the way (they don’t show up until 1 minute before curtain, nice going guys…).

So my goal tonight was to walk into that bathroom. I’ve come to this Theater probably 40 times in the last 10 years, and I’ve never once stepped foot in that John.

Until Today!

I told myself that I was going to do it, and it almost didn’t happen…

My Paruresis was on high alert!

The Theater was packed. The Bathrooms were busy. Always a steady flow of guys coming and going…

At 6:45, Mike excuses himself to pee. I almost followed him, but I couldn’t…

Jeff was there!

Jeff is a Big, Macho, He-Man Guy. He can be pretty Intimidating. I’ve known him for about 7 years, and he’s a nice guy, but I don’t feel totally comfortable around him (he’s dating Christine).

And there he was. Drinking beer next to her.

And the reason I didn’t excuse myself to go to the bathroom, is because I feared that he would hear me and say he should go as well. After all, the show would start soon, it’s either Pee Now or Never!

So I waited to see if he would Pee first. Then I would go AFTER him. I waited and waited. I didn’t want him in there with me. He would probably want to chat! And we all know, you can’t do that AND Breath Hold at the same time!

So I Waited!

I know he WILL go before the show, it’s just a matter of WHEN!

And that’s just about the time that Jeff said he was going out for a Smoke (Smoke and Pee is more like it).

SWEET!

I had time to make my move.

I told the girls that I was going to the restroom. I excuse myself and head towards the door. I can see guys all around the entrance. In fact, I have to maneuver through them to get to the door.

I Head In

There are sinks on the right side of the wall. 3 or 4 guys are washing up. To the left are about 15-20 urinals… with NO dividers! (and about 5 guys Peeing)

The Theater Bathroom

As I head towards the end of them, I see Mike in there. He was finishing drying his hands and he glanced at me as I walked by. His eyebrows raised and he gave me a little smirk. I tried not to smile back. He’s surprised that I’m desensitizing in here (so am I).

I walk up to the 2nd to the last urinal, unzip and stand there. I had no urge to Pee since I Peed before we left, so I wasn’t worried in the least about going or not.

But I decided to test my Breath Hold anyway. I wanted to see if I could force some Pee out.

I Hold my Breath and Relax

40 Seconds later, I’m Peeing!

I didn’t Pee much, for as soon as I began to breath again my bladder locked up. But I did Pee some.

I Peed in a Theater Bathroom!

I was happy about that.

I went back to my seat, enjoyed the show and loved it.

And once I got home tonight, I talked with Mike about the experience.

I told him I believe it cuts off because I’m breathing in too quickly.

I tell him I need to practice more on holding my breath longer. Maybe another 10-15 seconds or so. That might keep my Sphincter from locking up?

So that’s my Goal for this Week!

I’ve got it down where I can Pee with Breath Hold. Now I just need to maintain the stream.

And if I can do that…

Then Paruresis will be NO MORE!

I feel like I’m very, very close to mastering this method.

Let’s see what this next week will bring me. :)

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